When You Don’t Know Gay

When I was growing up there were certain things that were taboo. I was brought up in a very southern Baptist family. My grandmother had taught Sunday school for 40 plus years at that point. Believe me, my family was and is a loving family but there were many things we did not understand or were even familiar with.

I remember growing up in the church and learning about right and wrong. I just trusted my parents and my Christian beliefs. I was taught many life lessons but I was not prepared for the one I was about to learn my junior year in high school. It was shocking and embarrassing, to say the least. The main thing was I was ignorant to, or never was exposed to what I was about to hear or learn.

A Little Background

When I grew up in elementary school I had many friends. We played in the streets and learned many social skills. We would play sports and pick teams. It was like an early age voting process. You pick the best team you can.

Masculinity was only a thing of the future even though we were just emulating our fathers. We wanted to be tough and be ladies' men. None of us knew what that was but we knew we wanted the girls.

That “girl thing” followed right into high school. We knew we wanted that first kiss or a first date. Holding hands with a girl was awesome too.

High School

Going from eighth to ninth grade as a freshman was scary enough for me. I was in Boy Scouts and the band. We even had a term for us back then and it was “Band Fag”. It was meant to put the members of the marching band down and degrade us. It never really worked because we had a great family of friends in our organization. We loved marching at the football games and having that comradery.

The backstory is that I was in football in junior high but I was about a buck twenty-five. I was 125 pounds and just got beat up. I mean I had heart but the band was a better life-extending choice. I was kinda shunned and an outcast in the football community.

Back to the Story

In my sophomore year, I met Gary. He was a French horn player. He was nice and we hit it off as friends at school. I could tell he was not all that popular but neither was I. We would hang out at lunch occasionally and talk about band politics. I know, It seemed important then. There is a lot of serious stuff at age 16.

The Confrontation

One day, Gary and I were sitting in the middle of campus at lunch. It was a common area and everyone was having a normal day.

From afar I heard a voice yelling in our direction. The voice was yelling” Get off our campus you fag!” I, being a band fag, did not give it much thought. Gary got up and turned in the direction of the voices and said some words I was not allowed to say at home.

I told Gary not to pay attention to them. I told him that they did not know anything and he was far from a fag. I mean I would have picked up on that right?

Then they got closer and were yelling “faggot” at him in his face. I went into defense mode and yelled back ”Gary is not a fag”. “Leave him alone” left my lips. Eventually, they all left.

Well, Gary looked at me and said, “William, I am gay”. I looked at him and said, “Your not a fag”. Then it hit me. He was serious. I had never met anyone or at least knew of anyone with this condition. Why would any man be attracted to a man? Then my brain and mouth just shut down. My silence after that spoke volumes.

He looked at me and I looked at him. I had become speechless. I got up and left as the people began to lose interest in the controversy.

The 20/20 Hindsight

The rest of the day at school I wondered what happened to Gary. I abandoned a friend because of my lack of understanding or ignorance. I knew I had to apologize but at the same time, I was not ready to have that conversation. What did I know about being gay except that it was wrong?

I did not learn that from church or my parents. I just thought it was an insult. I had no idea.

The Apology Attempt

After much guilt and thought, I sought out Gary. I went to him and asked him why he was gay and why did he set me up that way. I know it was not the best way to put it.

He told me that he thought I already knew. Then I asked if he thought I was gay. I was worried about what everyone else thought. He said that he knew I was not gay.

We talked back and forth for a while. In my mind, I thought it was just weird and not right, but he was always my friend. It was terrible what I did to him. I mean leaving him there. I was more concerned with myself still and not really listening to him. I was doing it to him again without the physical act of leaving.

After School

After my horrible attempt at apologizing, I rode home on the bus and my mind was racing. What was it like for him to be gay? Was he confused? Was it a joke on me? Was I wrong for not realizing he was a fag? I mean gay. This was nothing I had to deal with before.

What in the hell was I going to do. If I associate with him, will I look gay? All of the sudden because of one big sexual orientation change in my mind for a friend, I was having doubts.

It was almost like he had been lying to me but he was not. I was mad at him and disappointed in myself.

At Home

Supper was on the table and the family gathered to eat. My sister, my mom, dad and I said the blessing and started to eat. I could not hold the story of my day in. I told it as if it was a friend of mine who had my day. I said something to the effect that my friend has a friend that says he is gay.

My dad nearly choked on his spaghetti and my mom nearly spits out the tea she was drinking. My sister sat quietly to watch the show.

There were two points of view. My dad's point of view was that gays are sick and my mom's point of view was God loves everyone no matter how screwed up they are. This really did not help.

My parents also told me to tell my friend to stay away from people like that. I was mortified at what I was hearing but still agreed to keep the story believable.

I knew everyone, including me, was not handling this correctly.

That Night

I prayed for some kind of answer. I needed to be able to look at my friend without judgment. I decided to just treat him as my friend again. He is who he is, gay or not. He is my friend. That was never an issue for me until the truth came out. That truth never kept him from being kind and a good friend. After hours of thought, I fell asleep.

Next Morning

I woke up not all there. I might have had two hours of sleep. I had to make it to the school bus.

On the way there I thought about what I would say to Gary. Did I need to say anything to Gary? I was prepared and as ready to be his friend as was the first time.

At School

I got off the bus and went straight to the band hall. All us band people hung out there in the morning and talked. I knew Gary would be there. I looked around and asked where Gary was. Many people did not know because he as well as I were not in the popular crowd. (even for band fags) Finally, my band director came to me and told me why I could not find him.

The News

Gary’s parents told my band director that they had pulled Gary out of school because of the bullying. He was going to be homeschooled out of state. I never got to talk to Gary again.

Afterthoughts

Thirty-seven years later I still think about Gary. I think about how special he was in my life. I wish we could have talked or exchanged phone numbers. We might have if I had handled things better. I was just sixteen at the time. We passed notes and talked then. There were no cell phones, just the one connected to a wall.

Gary and I had a moment that taught me a lot about myself. I just wish he knew how it changed me.