When I was 13 years old I met my first love

When I was 13 years old I met my first love. It was the kind of love where you see a stranger across a crowded room and say to yourself "that's the one"

His name was Nick.

Of course, I was 13 so I don't have to spell this out for you, it didn't work out.

You're probably thinking "oh, I thought you said he was the one"? and he most certainly was but the thing about soulmates is that you can find many of them.

He was the one in the way that he loved me deeply,honestly and passionately until the day that he died from a heart attack in his sleep at the young age of 21.

Our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend didn’t last much longer than two months but that short amount of time was enough to know that I loved this man with all of my heart always and forever. Hell, 2 minutes was enough.

We went on to talk to each other off and on for four years after our breakup. Each time I saw his name on my phone the rush of feelings flooded back to me like a tidal wave hitting me in the heart that he once called home. Every conversation better than the last, never wavering, never unsatisfying. It was like familiarity.

I had a boyfriend during this time whom I also loved with all of my heart. He didn't like it when Nick and I talked. He didn't like it when I did a lot of things though, like dress a certain way, act a certain way, talk a certain way, feel a certain way.

I know what people mean now when they say there are different kinds of love. There's the kind that makes you love being in love, but there's also the kind that makes you hate it.

The kind that makes you hurt because you miss them oh so badly, and the kind that just makes you hurt.

The kind where you know that that person could find you in the darkest of rooms, and the kind where you'd hide from that person in the darkest of rooms.

When you're blinded it's very hard to tell the difference. Such a strong drug should have a warning label of the side effects.

I live with something called "depersonalization disorder" and to put it lightly; everything to me feels like a dream. I have to put myself in places I'm familiar with or else I start questioning if what's happening is real or not.

When I meet people who I know will have a major impact on my life I like to describe them as soulmates,because no matter what impact they had; good or bad, they made a mark on me. They helped shape me into who I've become and I gotta say, I like who I am. I'm not ashamed to say that I stuck with a guy who treated me like the trash he never took out, I’m not ashamed to say I let people use me and hurt me. However, I am ashamed to say that I didn’t care enough about myself to stop it.

You might have noticed in my earlier sentence I said "I like who I am" when I should have said "I love who I am"

Because the truth is, until you've found the person who makes you love who you are; you haven't found the real "one".

You don't have to love yourself before loving someone else but you do have to find someone who wants nothing more than for you to see your worth.

Find the person who makes you want to get up in the morning and be the best you can be. Find the person who not only builds you up but would hurt anyone who tries to break you down. Find your familiarity. Find the person who makes you say "If this is a dream, I hope I never wake up"

And find yourself in the process.