What is the point of love if it always ends in heartache?

And here I am again crying over somebody who was never mine and who will never be mine. I wonder if my pain is showing through my eyes and that's why they're all looking at me like something is wrong. I would like to say I'm strong enough to handle it and just move on but I don't think I am. I'm going to have to be though because I don't really have a choice and I am sarcastically, ironically laughing at myself for how fucking stupid I can be and how stupid I continue to be.

I feel like I'm watching my life in slow motion on repeat making the same mistakes as before. I cant for the life of me figure out how I got to be so weak and draw back into the same pattern as before. I thought it was different this time and that's where I messed up. I thought for some reason that I could love them both and they could love me. I was wrong... so stupid and so wrong. I yet again fell for somebody who was never mine, never going to be mine even in part, and the worst part about it... the part I'm kicking myself over is that they told me all along the way that this would be the ending. They dropped hints and told me up front over and over again with both their words and actions that it was a no. That the answer will always be no and there isn't hope for anything further.

I, being the idiot that I am, somehow believed that things could be different and they might be able to love me and let me love them the way I wanted it to happen. But I guess that's the ironic sad part, its all what I wanted to to happen. It's not that I forgot about what they wanted but I don't know. I thought I would be different... I thought for whatever reason that I would be enough. Enough to change things and break the cycle and be happy. I was clearly wrong about that and it just keeps being proven again and again.

I never had a chance in hell at being a part of their relationship and I should have recognized that from the start. I once again fell sickeningly in love with somebody who will never love me the way I need to be loved.

I once again just have to sit here and realize that once again I am a dumbass and need to listen to what people are telling me at face value. I feel like screaming and crying but at the end I'm kicking myself internally because I LET myself fall in love with somebody knowing it was going to end. I really hoped it wouldn't end and it would all work out but in my gut I knew it was doomed after a while. I deserve somebody who will show me they love me and I have learned I don't want to have to fight for the smallest form of affection.

I see what they have and I thought I could maybe be a part of a small piece of that, something we could share and make work. I was clearly wrong. On paper it makes sense, it all fits and sits into place and I know the second I see him again I am going to lose it. The second I see them together and am reminded of how I will never be a part of what they have, I am really going to lose it.

Because I tried, I really tried, the only thing that would have changed would be the title of being their partner and the final physical piece. Other than that, it was all I could give of myself to another person without physically ripping out my soul and giving it to them.

Cycles seem to be never endingly repeating themselves which fucking sucks for me. I think I am constantly damned and determined to be heartbroken at all times. Just when I think I'm happy and in love or when I actually am happy and in love, something or somebody just has to come and say "oh wait, that's not right, she doesn't deserve that... time to take it away."

So I don't know how much longer I'll be able to stay here and do this. Everything looks so different now and every touch just hurts my soul a little bit. I'm trying to push things down and not feel so much but its hard. It's so hard knowing I'm going to have to start again. Because I cant, and wont, sit here day after day and torture myself. I just hope it doesn't hurt so much as time goes on. I've never had such a nauseous feeling in my stomach where I'm about to throw up from sheer pain.

I cant help but ask myself... what is the point of love if it all leads to heartache?