War Of Hope

The smell of Christmas is in the air and I’m getting ready for Santa! Wrap this wrap that and a smile consumes my face. Dancing angels were sure in my head. Mom says it’s bedtime for me now and I retreat towards it. From the living room through the kitchen and here I’m at the bottom of the stairwell. As the first step creeks my second foot is on the second step and that’s when I see him! Come here little girl, and with one arm he grabs me. Swoops me up like feathers in space. He proceeds to grab at me and touch me and I can’t fathom for the life of me what’s going on. I know it’s wrong though and I try to run I get a couple steps away and he rips me back down the stairs, now I’m scared. He finishes with me and for some reason I floated up to my big brothers room. I grab my blanket and I lay on the floor, I go over what just happened and I can’t help but feel like I did something wrong! All I can smell is his old spice it clogs in my nose. I didn’t remember when I first woke up I was just a little girl still with Christmas ahead of me! Then I roll over and the thought floods my memory and I’m sick to my stomach so I run to the bathroom and I throw up. What was that he said if I tell I’m gonna get in to trouble. I weigh this over in my little mind and take the first step. Creek down one I go quickly looking around to make sure I avoid the monster from the night before. I make it to the bottom step and as I turn into the kitchen “Steve!” I run to him and this feels like safety. He grabs me up and puts me on his lap so I begin to tell him the events from the night before also telling him that I didn’t want him to tell my mom cause I would get my but spanked. He set me straight on that part of it but still my innocence would forever be lost to that night on the stairs. He changed my life and set me down a path that I may have done differently had I the chance and opportunity! That night echoes still to this day. It haunts me so much so that I had became a drug addict and been to prison not once but twice. I’m happy to say that I’m in recovery from souless fellows, also drugs don’t put me to sleep no more! God put me where I needed to be and I got the classes I needed to start the journey of healing. Thank you to Steve Conrad who listened with great concern. He was laid to rest not to long after that he was ran over by a car one winters night. But he started my life back in the forward motion. I have him to thank for giving me the courage to speak up!

Struggling everyday is a part of me. Flashes, images, they go invade my thoughts leaving surreal damages left in the wake. Sometimes I feel hopeless and empty. I’m trying to push on and I tell myself all the time that I’m doing better and then I see him. Scarring everything I have tried to do. Taking my adult hood like he stole my childhood, and I don’t want to give him this but I can’t quite figure out how to stop him.