Umm...Did That Really Just Happen?!

It took me a very long time to figure out what to write for this challenge. My memory bank is absolutely full of embarrassing moments, it was way to hard to decide which one to share. Should I write about the time I fully participated in a Mardi Gras celebration, and my modesty free display to earn the beads? The time I was trying to be a wing man for my buddy and ended up puking all over him, the bar and the lovely lady he was trying to hook up with? Or the time I found out that I had been calling my favorite bartender, whom I also had a little crush on, at my local bar by the wrong name....for over a year. Just a few examples of my embarrassing moments, and yes, I was slightly drunk for all of these. And though they weren't my finest moments, they were drunkenly executed, so I don't think they really count all that much. No, the most embarrassing stories are the ones that happen while completely sober. Of which I have dozens upon dozens. This one in particular, that I am going to share with all you random fellow writers, is by far one of the ones that will forever haunt me and has made me truly believe in Murphy's Law. Now, I thought I would take this story to my grave, however, with a possible grand prize win, I figure it's worth having a bunch of strangers laugh and more than likely judge me a teeny bit.

This story involves multiple incidents, with the same person. A series of unfortunate events if you will. All of which has happened in the past 10 months. A record has been achieved for most embarrassing, face hiding, unable to look at myself moments in a single relationship, in under a year. If I weren't so mortified, I'd almost be impressed with myself. I warn you, you will more than likely share my embarrassment when you read this. Second hand embarrassment, as I like to call it.

Here goes. For 5 years, I had the biggest crush on someone who started as a co-worker, and than became a friend. Last year, we started flirting, and he seemed to finally be reciprocating the feelings that I had already had for him. Naturally, I was absolutely ecstatic. We were both finally living in the same city again, so had been making several attempts to spend time with one another. However, him being the boss at his place of work and me being a single mom, it was quite difficult to co-ordinate schedules. As both of us are anxiety ridden, socially awkward human beings, when we finally were able to make it work, we both ended up being quite nervous. So I turned to the only thing I could to help me loosen up, liquid courage. On every single occasion where liquid courage had joined our dates, I ended up a mess, him taking care of me. That was the start of things for us. Embarrassing? Sure. But not what this story is about. This has all been a segue, to ease you all in to what is about to happen next.

Months go by, we are official at last. We've become intimate, as adults do. Picture if you can, every possible worst case scenario, literally the worst things you can think of that you pray will never, ever happen to you in those moments of intimacy. And that is what this story is about. Mind you, none of what I'm about to tell you, has ever happened to me before. Not a single one of these things. So how was I to know they'd ever happen now. In the relationship I wanted for so long, of course. Murphy's Law.

Let's start with the time I bit him. Yes, exactly where you're thinking. No idea how it happened. I drew blood. That's right. Blood. This poor guy I tell you. I've elbowed him in the face, knee'd him where it hurts the most, bit him. All of these things by accident, but huuuuge mood killers forsure. Again, just easing you in.

No, no. My Pies de Resistance my ultimate "I will never feel comfortable trusting my body during intimate times ever again" moment was the time my bowels....yes my bowels, decided to relax a little too much, and ended up all over us both. It was absolutely devastating. I had to do some research from that point, just to figure out why in the world this had just happened to me. I'm a good person damnit! Like why?! Just why?! I had never had control issues in that area ever before in my life. My research is the only thing that somewhat satiated my humiliation, not by much of course. But still, every little thing helps right? And what I discovered is that 1 in 3 woman have this happen at least once in their lifetimes. Now whether its true or not, I will hang onto that information until the day I die. And it especially common amongst woman with diabetes, something I do in fact have. Has to do with nerve endings in that particular area of the body.

Luckily, I am with possibly the most patient, understanding man in the history of the world. We are still together, and completely in love. Can you believe it?! I definitely can't. He's made jokes about it of course, I don't need to tell you, but I've definitely given him quite a bit of ammunition for jokes over our past almost year together. As I said before, I have so many embarrassing moments I could have chosen for this challenge, but this one by far, is as bad as they all get. Definitely the last thing you'd ever want to happen.