Turning point

The one moment that was the turning point and changed my life forever was when I attempted suicide.

My life before was O.K. I did have depression and intrusive thoughts. I was never officially diagnosed with depression. That was part of the problem. Do not wait to get help. If you need help, please get it.

There were two incidents that contributed to the depression. Both were being taken advantage of sexually by guys. One was with someone my age. I did not tell anyone because I thought it was normal. Two friends hanging out exploring their sexuality. At 13 and being tied up I should have realized something was not right.

The other incident was with an adult. It was a little different. They did not touch me directly, but they did watch me touch myself and I watched them touch themselves. Again, I did not say anything. I know now that it was wrong, and I should have said something then.

This really screwed me up because I was also in the process of figuring out if I was gay or something else.

That was the other source of my depression. I did not know it was a big part of it at the time. I would have periods where it would last for months at a time. This is the part where I stress again that if something is wrong seek out help. I needed help a long time ago and am finally getting it, but it will take years of therapy at this point because I waited so long.

During the long depression episodes, I was never suicidal. Occasionally, I would have thoughts of what if I did not stop at the red light or if I just ran into this dirt bank at a high rate of speed.

I finally came out later in life and the depression went away for a while. That is how I knew it was causing me to have depression.

When the depression came back it was in the form of intrusive thoughts. Some of them were things like, you do not even know who you are, you do not belong, you are damaged. At this point I was still trying to figure out who I was. I did not belong in the gay category. I was closer to the bisexual group, but I did not really like sex. Eventual I figured out I was asexual. Even after I figured it out the thoughts were still there.

Eventually the thoughts became too much. I had never really considered suicide. I did not have a plan. I just wanted the thoughts to stop. I rented a hotel for a staycaction. This is something I do every year. I got some alcohol and some ibuprofen and melatonin. All of which I have used before. This time once I started drinking, I did not stop, and I took a little over what I usually take of the medicine.

I woke up the next morning very hung over. My first thought was that was stupid.

I am going to include a poem about my thoughts right after it happened.

What now?

I was never the person that

Would ever attempt suicide.

Through all the depression

I never seriously thought

About it.

The question is what now.

I lived those last few days

Like they were my last.

Which it was supposed to be.

I spent a lot of money.

I survived but it does not feel

Like I did.

I am not supposed to be here.

It is like I am living

Someone’s else’s life

What now?

What do I do now?

The reasons I tried are still there.

They didn’t magically disappear

Because I survived.

What now?

No one knows I tried

Which is part of the problem.

I needed to put on a

Psych hold.

What now?

I truly believe this world

Is better off without me.

What now?

How do I go on and try to

Life my life knowing

I am not supposed to be here.

I needed to be locked away

A long time ago or at least

In therapy a long time ago.

After was rough. It changed me. I finally sought out help. Eventually with help the thoughts have almost completely disappeared.

To those of you reading this I just want to say again if you feel like you need help seek it out. Whether it is from a parent, friend, professional. I would have been a different person if I would have gotten help sooner.