Turning Fat During The Pandemic

Everyone's worse nightmare or maybe it's just mine... but I've gained over 10 pounds since this pandemic started and I hate looking at my body now. I was once a track and cross country girl who always looked good in a bikini and could pull off bralettes.

Now I just feel fat and disgusting when I look in a mirror and see what I've done to my past self. I look at old photographs of the fit, beautiful younger me just 2 years ago. The girl has clear skin, is physically fit, and is actually happy with who she is and where she was at.

Now not only have I gained 10 pounds, but I also got mask acne and am no longer as socially connected with friends my age.

I feel like I am in a rut and I want to change! But how?

I have just started a remote job, my first one during this whole pandemic. And I must say, I really miss working with people in person. Now I understand what everyone meant by how hard it was for them during the pandemic.

I had a quarantine boo who actually left 6 months ago and I've been relearning what it is to be myself and I don't know if I like it.

I'm used to occupying my time all the time and have even looked to craigslist to fill this void. I did a research study for some extra cash, started a cleaning side gig, and am planning to work a farmers market for the first time.

I had an interview with people who work at a management company for staffing and that is actually the job I wanted prior to covid.

Before Covid, I was always the friend who would find unique events to go to with her friends. Covid may have made that side of me die down for a bit, but today was one of the first days that I remembered her.

The one good thing Covid has done for is force me to save. I am in a much better financial stand point then I would have been had covid not happen. For that I am thankful for.

At the moment I am trying to decide what I want from my life.

I have an old lover who we agreed to see where we are at the end of the year to see if we would like to be together.

But if I didn't decide to move with him when I had the chance 6 months ago, what makes me think I will be able to in 12 months?

I tell myself that the reason I didn't leave was because of financial reasons- but the reality is if I really wanted to, I could have.

I just didn't want to pay rent, gas, ect. This year alone I was able to grow my investment account by 25k since December and that was because I decided to stay when my lover left.

I relearned what it is to be alone and altho I still feel lonely when I come home to myself at night, I am more comfortable in it then I was when we first ended things.

I've learned to go about my day without contacting him. And I've learned that I can really hate dating sometimes.

Honestly I only put myself out there during vacation because that is when I feel like it is necessary. Tour guides who have been born and raised from that city know all the best spots that I wouldn't have been able to find on my own.

I still think about them. I constantly have random flashbacks to my previous life experiences- is this because I am not enjoying my own at the moment? So much so that I must transport my mind elsewhere to avoid the current moment?