Trauma Awakening Ch.1

"I know why I have come …

I will decide when I will leave... This is my Human Experience."

Prologue

I knew something had gone wrong from the moment I woke up.

I went into surgery positive and smiling. I remember feeling happy and secure in the knowledge that everything was going to be okay.

You see, before surgery, I had decided that I wanted to die. Yes, die.

When I woke the nurse told me that my abdomen might be distended because the anesthesiologist intubated my stomach instead of my lungs.

I brushed it off, thinking that I was fine, everything was fine; I was wrong.

Chapter 1

The Catalyst

My husband opened the door for me and I gingerly climbed into the car to head home from surgery.

It was a routine surgery, I wasn’t in pain, but I knew I had a 3rd degree burn on my cervix.

Regardless of whether, or not I could feel the burn, didn’t mean my body wasn’t in shock and I was determined to give it the rest it needed, or so I thought.

We arrived home, I climbed in bed, took my Tylenol with Codeine, and tried to relax.

As I lie there, I thought of why I had come back instead of dying.

I told the Universe that I wanted to get answers and if I didn’t come back with the answers for my life, I didn’t want to come back at all.

I wanted the near death experience I had read about.

(My parents always sent me this kind of stuff to read, or watch on youtube)

You know, the kind where they see the afterlife and come back with the cancer gone, or the ephiany for life.

I didn't get that.

I felt peaceful and was looking forward to falling asleep, but almost immediately the 9 hour journey of pain began.

It felt like I was on a rolling sea and every time I crested with a wave, the pain was sharp and crescendoing.

The nausea peaked with the pain and the bile spilled forth like a fountain into my mouth, bitterness coating my tongue.

I croaked to my husband that I was going to throw up. He ran to find something for me to empty the nothingness that was in my belly and bitterness in my mouth.

I floated with my face in the stainless steel bowl I recognized as one of my favorite mixing bowls. The lines lightly scraped into the sides in criss crossing patterns.

I am vaguely aware of something coming out of my mouth and going into the bowl.

The bed is warm and wet, all around me..

My thoughts floated un seemingly disturbed by the torment by body felt.

Was that urine? “Who cares, I thought”

I drifted again, vaguely aware of bile and belching escaping my lips.

Blackness was a void I craved, but my body kept pulling me back as I fought for consciousness.

Is that my husband talking to me? Am I talking? I could feel my lips moving and I fought to understand the words coming out of my mouth.

He is telling me something, Oh we need to go to the emergency room, but I don’t want to go.

I don’t have the strength to get up; I am trapped in my body. I want to fight, but I can’t, so I drift again..

There is two of me, one lying in a pool of urine on the bed and the other one angry that I can’t get her up.

“I am never broken, I am never weak. I plow through the mountains, I am a force to be reckoned with; how am I not able to get up?!”