Trapped

It has become an endless cycle of ups and downs everyday. Today I have decided to write about my schedule of having depression in my life. Some may be able to relate, other's may not; either way every person is unique and individualized towards their mental health. I started therapy when I was in middle school and continue to go to therapy today as a college student. The time between middle school and college, I had went to already three treatment centers, one emergency room visit, and over 5 different therapists. Was it a struggle? Yes. Was it worth going through each treatment? Yes. Do I still have negative thoughts and feelings? Yes. Do I want to give up? No.

In my head, however, I continue to have words telling me to just give up. Deep down, especially during my worst nights, I really want too. But something always stops me from giving up. After going through episodes of depression, I reflect back from my previous choices I've made like bad coping skills. Each of those moments I choose to act on the bad coping skills, I always end up regretting it. Having bad coping skills can defer from person to person and it can be exhausting to keep staying positive and choose to do the healthy coping skills. For me, choosing to act on the bad coping skills were my quick easy route of staying "alive", instead of facing my feelings or thoughts head on. That's the struggle for me, and that struggle makes me feel trapped and hopeless.

I have a great family, two close friends, and someone I really love. I attend a great school and I have a job. Many of the times I end up hearing comments of why I'm depressed when there's really nothing that should make me feel depressed. I guess that's the thing though, depression is an illness. So it's very difficult for me to answer the question of "why are you depressed?", when really there's not a clear answer. If I could magically press a button in my head to be happy, trust me, I already would've done it. When I do have the episodes of depression, I get thoughts of feeling like I'm not good enough or there's nothing I should be depressed about. I cry every night, wake up in the middle of the night, and sometimes I do get bad dreams. I feel guilty for the times I choose to do bad coping skills and to be caught doing them by my loved one and family members is not something I'm proud of. I see the expression on their face and can feel the sadness they're feeling because of what I've done to myself.

I wake up in the morning and I have two options; one, I get something to eat for breakfast (the healthy option) or two, I continue to stay in bed and skip breakfast (the bad option). For the first two weeks of every cycle I tend to do my very best to start the day right and pick the healthy option. But then slowly, I edit that option and maybe I get out of bed, but I don't eat breakfast, or I do eat breakfast and end up going back to bed. After that it's just a down hill and the rest of the month I go with the bad option.

Considering I have already chose the healthy option in the morning, it's just trying my very best to keep up with the good choices. Other things to consider throughout the day would be:

will I get ready, brush my teeth and shower?

will I start meal planning for lunch?

will I go to work today?

will I study for school?

will I express and talk about my feelings to someone I trust instead of faking my happiness?

will I choose to do my healthy coping skills (listen to music, read/write, call a friend, do crafts/art, play some games, drink some tea, go for walk, do some yoga, etc.)

will I have dinner?

will I go to my next therapy appointment?

will I brush my teeth and get ready for bed?

Some day's I just skip all of it and instead of choosing to do my healthy coping skills, I end up doing my bad ones. Getting through one day is very difficult for me, because through every next thing at any time, I still have bad thoughts, feelings, and a negative force driving me down.

I am the biggest critic of myself, I do get negative comments from other's, and I want to be the best that I can be. I try to make mental plans and stick the schedule the best I can (unless I have to modify it), I try and get myself involved by hanging out with friends, volunteering, taking care of my family, learning new skills. I have good grades and I'm almost ready to graduate college. I consider and reflect back on all of my successful moments and memories that make me happy. I treat myself to some desserts or snacks, go shopping once in awhile, take an adventurous hike and travel. Even though I know the right choices to make in my head, depression forces me to choose the bad ones. When I listen to stories or see that someone else struggles with depression, I try my best to just be there and listen because I know that that's what I'd want when I have the bad episodes.

"No one wishes to have dark days, sleepless nights, grumpy mornings and this endless dark tunnel with no sign that it ever ends. Depression is not a choice." -Davis Macron