Too Critical of Myself

I guess I should start by saying, the whole decision to write this bit came from the intrusive thought I had while searching Google “this will look suspicious sitting in my recent searches. Even though I’m looking it up about a friends kid, it could get used against me.” This thought happens often with Google and DING! You guessed it, I’ve had my search history checked by my significant other. Not even two hours ago, I found myself thinking about the fact I had spent a little too long on Facebook, better watch it! Why? Because although he claimed he didn’t also monitor that, my phone notified me of screen time. Could have been innocent enough being just that, but can it EVER be JUST THAT? Nope. I spent THREE HOURS on Facebook, thank you for that reminder today, Apple. It has now been weaponized against me and my productivity for the day, in the most innocent of ways, of course. I can hardly ever allow my sink to fill with dishes anymore. Is it because I’m OCD or a neat freak? Honestly, I never used to care either way. Now my internal dialogue does. No one is here to tell me what a waste of space I am in the flesh, but they never really leave your mind. One of my kids acts out and I instantly feel guilty like I’ve failed as a parent..is it because I believe I’m a failure? No. Is it because I expect them to be perfect? Nope. It’s because that seed of doubt was planted and watered for years. It’s flourished into one of the biggest plants in my head and now I’m trying to drown it. Do you know how hard it is to kill a flourishing plant with years and years of roots? You might as well tell me good job breathing because at this point, I have to remind myself that it’s okay to take up space. It’s okay to have a voice and feelings. It’s okay to mess up. It’s okay to relax on the days you’re feeling exhausted without playing that tape in the back of your mind that you are, indeed, lazy and a waste of space like you’ve been told in the past. I think someone who is overly critical of themselves is like a divine piece of artwork that has had a lot of effort and manipulation and thought and time put into it to mold it into something that stays. Stays stagnant. Compliant. Doubtful. Hesitant. Insecure.

As a child, how do you grow up with confidence if no one has ever intentionally planted that seed for you to nurture and grow? I’m sure it varies from person to person, but I grew up not feeling very special or wanted and that’s a feeling that’s stuck with me throughout my whole life. That’s something predatory selfish people can pick up on. It makes me the perfect target or shall you say, doormat. I battle it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I’ve made it my life’s mission to become the best role model I can be for my babies and part of that is teaching them confidence. How do you teach children confidence when you’re constantly battling your own and allowing your inner dialogue to mirror that of the ones who planted bad seeds? KIDS MIMMICK YOUR BEHAVIOR! So I’m gonna fake it til I make it, essentially. Now don’t get me wrong by being honest about this, my self doubt isn’t all encompassing. I’m proud of the woman and mother I am, without a one single doubt. But my mom guilt is fed by the urge to be the perfect mother. I’ve endured many hardships and I’ve always managed to soldier through and I think it’s made me more resilient. I haven’t let my bad times harden me but I’ve allowed some of the bad seeds too much space in my head and I’m working on it one day at a time. Acknowledging an issue is the first step towards fixing it and healing yourself! I want my children to feel strong and confident WITHOUT having to fake it but to also know it’s okay to feel weak sometimes. Doubt is a feeling we all experience from one time to another but it’s not letting it dig a big enough hole in your mind to be able to grow. When you put positivity out, you welcome more of it in and open more doors for yourself to grow and heal and be happy! Affirmations have always been an extremely uncomfortable thing for me. At first, I defensively brushed them off as corny. Then I began to question my need to dismiss affirmations so easily and started to realize it’s because I’ve been watering those seeds of doubt that were planted in my head for years and it’s time for those mothertruckers to DIE. I’m writing this to begin to help myself to change my inner narrative. I’m acknowledging it’s there and it’s not what I want it to be and I’m checking myself to proactively work towards healing it. Just because I grew up believing I wasn’t special, doesn’t mean I’m not. Just because someone told me I’m a waste of space doesn’t mean I am. Just because I have a bad day or 3 bad days, doesn’t make me a bad mom. I matter. I’m here for a reason. I’m tired of wasting precious time doubting myself and my capabilities. Maybe I can help inpire others to do the same. You CAN change that voice inside your head that tells you that you’re not enough. You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to mess up without being a failure. You’re allowed to exist without being picked apart and if that person is no longer in your life who did that to you, why feel the need to carry on that job for them!? If they are still in your life, you don’t HAVE to accept their words. You don’t have to listen and you definitely shouldn’t believe them. Don’t allow the bad seeds in anymore. If it doesn’t bring you peace or happiness, shield yoursel from it.