To thine own self be true

In this video Johnny Paycheck says he feels like an old violin soon to be put away and never played again. How many times have you ever felt this way? Or how many times have you felt like you don't belong no matter how hard you try? I have felt that way many times but the most uncomfortable was at church. I didn't seem to fit in with the congregation, oh I was accepted just didn't feel welcome. That can really be unnerving and intimidating. There have been numerous times in my life that I felt like this. I will discuss a couple of them.

One such time I definitely knew I didn't fit in was the eighth grade. I had just been sent to live with my father over the summer so I was coming from public school to a private school. I was arriving with nearly fifty-thousand pounds of emotional baggage from all forms of abuse. My mother decided I needed my father after I was brought home in a squad car because they caught a man video taping her twelve year old son having sex with him. The beating was bad that night from my mother's boyfriend. But this was the second such incident of this nature.

I never fit in at school either. If a child can't fit in there then life is hard on the child and opens them up for being bullied, which was the case for me. I knew between ages eight to nine that I was gay. I had a boyfriend by age nine, my mother's first boyfriend after my dad was the one who really started the grooming process. Because I was smaller, gay and effeminate I was bullied quite frequently. Because I didn't wear the latest fashions I found myself being harassed. I couldn't afford field trips so the teasing was unmerciful. Not many people took an interest in me at school, but since my aunt was the school crossing guard she kept her eyes open for trouble.

I was teased or questioned when I came to school with a black eye, bloody open welts on my back, ass and legs. I refused to answer their questions out of fear of being found out. All of this caused me to isolate myself even further. Sometimes, I looked like Muhammad Ali worked me over for five rounds. Not having my school supplies was another source of frustration as was our school fees not being paid until the entire first six weeks was almost up.

There was another time in which I didn't feel comfortable in my skin or environment. Knowing I was gay and being married with two children caused a lot of stress on me. I felt uneasy and out of place with my wife, but equally so at the gay bath house. I was too afraid to be honest with everyone, including myself. I was afraid to stand up to the pressure being applied by my parents to get married and have a family. At the gay bath house I felt like I was too straight for the LGBTQ community, but too gay for the straight community. I didn't know where I fit in, if anywhere and that depressed me. I couldn't talk to my spouse about it because I was miserable in marriage, but equally lost without someone in my life.

After my wife left in 2005, instead of feeling anger or sadness, I felt relief. The relief I felt was that finally this nightmare is over. Elton John said finally he couldn't live a lie anymore and decided to end his marriage, because he too was gay. I took a job with a regional airline in 2007 and found that some of my co-workers readily accepted me while some didn't. My experience showed that I knew what I was doing, which took some of the pressure off of me. My first shift bid after being hired had me out on the ramp. It was a particularly brutal and cold winter. I was assigned to work the smaller Q-400 turbo prop aircraft. I was good a t loading, except with one lead who hated me and would speed the belt up just to watch the bags fall at the top. He was ultimately fired. I still felt out of place and not accepted. I went home to my lonely one bedroom apartment and simply went to bed. I had only one or two true friends and I was feeling isolated at church, so I quit going.

I threw myself into my work but my depression was worsening. I still felt unwanted, some co-workers started with bullying tactics. I told my supervisor that they changed my password without my permission to redneck48. This didn't go unpunished. It wasn't until I went to work on the ticket counter, then did I truly feel accepted. I was one of three male agents on the counter, I was supported and helped.

I found I was accepted by my Arab co-workers more than anything else. I felt accepted by them more so than I did any other group, then again when you work your ass off, they want you on their team. In my last relationship, I didn't feel comfortable at all. She was hard to get along with and also a female, I didn't want to commit to this relationship and didn't. I was finally glad when it ended.

Now I am in a relationship with a wonderful man, who truly appreciates me and accepts me for what and who I am. He loves my grandchildren and enjoys their company. I am now more comfortable for finally being true to myself. In the bible, John 8:32 (KJV) says And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. Reba said in her song Fancy, to thine own self be true.

Linda Ronstadt said it best in this song: https://youtu.be/9iBgTqz_-vY