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To The Monster

Originally wrote in 2018

By Haley WallsPublished 3 years ago 4 min read
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To the monster that shared my bed.

Do you remember the fear on my face, and the words you mumbled? Because I do. I remember the stinch of your breath as it hit the nap of my neck. Raising all the hairs, like an electrical current surging through my body.

Do you remember the crying, and pleading for the reaccuring nightmare to end? The feeling of constant sickness, and heartwrenching pain that I carried around, and still see lingering in the deepest parts of my eyes?

To be captive in your own mind. Fighting so hard to believe that you would wake up and it would all be just one big nightmare. To watch yourself change from a corky, little girl to a fragile, broken shell? To see everyone your age being able to be theirselves and feel normal?

To paste that mask on, and pretend that you’re a happy person. While on the inside dying with each laugh you fake. Do you remember the cuts I made into my arm? Hoping I’d get the courage to hit the right spot. Praying that the numbness, and bitterness would just go away.

I tried every way I could possibly think of to self medicate. Before I knew it the weed and pills weren’t helping, the alcohol just made it worse. Than sobriety sets in and you’re back on the floor in the bathroom trying so hard to make that perfect angle and it would be over.

Do you remember the days drug on and I felt so alone, because it had gone on so long. If I told, who would believe me, if I shared the secret that was suppose to be yours who would believe me? Every move I made it felt wrong, I actually convinced myself that it was my fault that maybe I did something to bring this on. I didn’t want to ruin the situation that I was in. WOULD ANYONE BELIEVE ME?

The situation I lived in made me feel as if there was no way out. I couldn’t breathe with every door knob turned, and cover pulled down. I couldn’t breath. The tears stopped and the numbness set in and before I knew it I was hollow. Completely out of touch with my soul. I felt as if I was watching from a distance and I could not help that girl.

I lost myself. Fearing everything. Trusting no one. Do you know what is like to truly like someone. I mean really like them but you could not even go on a date because the fear of being alone with that person out weighted the spontaneous feeling you get when you go out with someone you like.

Do you know how it feels to shove pills down your throat because your anxiety and depression is so bad. You have to force yourself to get up in the mornings.

Those memories haunt me every day. If I could have spoke up. If I could have stopped it. If I could have protected myself better.

I still smell your skin sometimes and it sickens me to my core. There are words I can’t hear without reliving every single thing you put me through. Sometimes, I smell that same old body wash or deodorant you used and I lose myself in anger and pain. Sometimes I freeze when someone touches me.

Do you know how hard it is to fall asleep in a bed with a man who loves you so much. Just for him to roll over to hold you tight through the night and I wake up crying.

The nightmares still are so vivid that I wake the man who loves me up with screaming and hitting. Do you know what its like to have to explain every action you do with an explanation that people look at you differently with?

How hard it is to talk out loud about, to put into words. To make sense of. I lost myself in the darkness.

Do you remember what you were doing? Do you remember the pain you caused? Do you remember the faint eyes of the little girl you ruined? Do you remember?

To the monster who shared my bed; do you remember it now?

Childhood
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About the Creator

Haley Walls

Hey everyone, I am Haley. I’m 27, and like a lot of other people, I absolutely LOVE to write. I have a vass verity of what I enjoy writing about and sharing my views. I appreciate the love and support from each and everyone of you.

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