To the Boy Who Broke My Heart but Helped Me Find Myself

Dear Jason Momoa (sure, that‘s not your real name but that of your hero),

The day you told me that you weren’t feeling it a piece of me died. You said that something was off, that your former relationship ended abruptly and left things unfinished, making you wonder if there wasn’t anything left to do, a fire to rekindle. You confessed on that arctic winter day that you owed it to yourself to try. As the harsh winds froze the tears on my cheeks, my heart contracted painfully. It was all so sudden, so unexpected. I thought that everything was wonderful and was looking forward to discovering more about you, to experience our many carefully laid out plans. But you thought differently.

Our story started like many others. Colleagues in the same advertising firm, with a four-year gap between us, we clicked almost from the beginning and became fast friends. We spent almost two seasons in a beautiful camaraderie, built on common interests and a shared sense of wicked humor. Both of us geeks at our core. I always sensed a spark bubbling beneath the surface, but didn’t act on it because of the relationship you were in for some years. Your first love. I knew from your stories it wasn’t working anymore, that it was more of an on and off thing, but still, I valued honesty and integrity above all else, and getting between two people was a big no-no.

Then, on Halloween, you invited me to a stand-up show, just the two of us. It was a bit odd, but I was so firmly planted in the status quo that I didn’t question it much. When the gig was over, you offered to walk me home. Do friends do that? They must, but I didn’t risk it, politely refusing the invitation. Your face looked too eager, too hopeful, and it unsettled me.

More than a month passed before I found out it was finally over between you and your girl, and our casual flirting took up a new meaning. Nevertheless, there were things holding me back. Mainly us working together and your young age — you were just out of your first relationship, green to the ways of the world and of the heart. But the pull was there. It didn’t help matters that you were so charming and funny, always there, making me feel like the most exquisite woman in the world. We made our own special bubble within the group, spending every cigarette or lunch break together. And finally, the inevitable happened. It was the birthday of one of our buddies at the agency, a real party animal, so alcohol was flowing freely, music was blasting in the speakers, the atmosphere was loose, conducive to muting one’s reason, paving the way for baser needs. A time for imagination. We danced the night away and it felt so right. We fit perfectly, which is why when you kissed me I threw caution to the wind and responded in kind.

The next Monday I was torn, the rational part of my brain back in full swing. But you managed to placate all my arguments and convinced me to give us a try. And so our easy friendship morphed into dating and we spent the next two months in a whirlwind of emotions. It was all so exciting. Once I let down my guard and committed to this tempting possibility, I didn’t hold back but gave it my all. It was some time since my last relationship and I was ready to build something again. Whereas you seemed intoxicated with me and what we were experiencing together. Hungry for more. Understandable, considering your limited background with just one partner.

You were my best friend and closest confidant. And, somehow, you wrangled an “I’m falling for you” after just one month and a half. At this point, my brain was in reserve, happily letting the heart lead. For once, both sides seemed to be in agreement. It was puppy love and I couldn’t be happier. We spent the holidays more or less together, went on a trip to the mountains, sampled mulled wine in several pubs back home, and enjoyed two amazing, intimate weekends with a Harry Potter marathon at my place. Being a huge Potterhead, it meant a lot to me to be able to share this with you. In short, everything seemed perfect.

That’s why the following conversation seemed surreal. Who were you and what have you done to my gentle, kind, loyal, awesome boyfriend? I felt cheated and robbed, completely blindsided. It was like dropping from the clouds. For the life of me, I didn’t foresee such a thing. Not when you were the one who pushed for the relationship in the first place and when everything that happened next was textbook happiness. Or so I thought at that time, in my naivety.

At first, I didn’t want to believe it, thinking that maybe you got cold feet, that things were moving too fast and you wanted the safety of the familiar. Perhaps I had been too much and scared you, but you’ll come around. You must. So I put myself in limbo, seemingly distancing from you, while nursing a wicked hope that you’ll soon knock at my door and tell me how foolish you were, begging for my forgiveness. Not gonna lie, many nights were haunted by versions of this same dream. The shitiest part? In losing our relationship I also lost my best friend. This was a tough pill to swallow and I missed our banter so much, missed the good ol’ days when we were just friends enjoying each other’s company. But there was no going back. It was all too complicated.

The following months were among the hardest of my life, made infinitely worse by our working together. What was I thinking? In plain terms, it was hell. Despite my best efforts, you were always nearby, always hovering, but never putting into action my fantasies. I knew you felt bad for how things ended, that you didn’t mean to hurt me, but I needed to protect myself and salvage as much as possible of my shattered heart. So I increased our distance even more when it was clear my scenarios were not going to play out in real life. And you? You got back with your ex, prolonging the toxic circle of your relationship. But it was not my business to make you see the truth, you needed to find that on your own. And eventually, you did.

In this time of great unrest and gripping emotional pain, I hit rock bottom, so the only way was up, right? Indeed. You unwittingly gave me the opportunity for real soul searching and with the help of my wonderful therapist I built myself up, bit by bit. This time, on a sturdy foundation. Through heartache, I discovered myself. Before we took the plunge together, I longed to fall head over heels, to finally experience all-consuming love, and the Universe obeyed. Now I had realized the importance of knowing my own mind and heart first and not pursuing idle daydreams. Of discovering the unhealthy life patterns that were holding me back, to avoid repeating them over and over again. I found out what matters most to me, what I truly need in a relationship, and what I cannot stomach. I picked up the pieces of my broken shell and remade them, stronger and more authentic than ever before, so they could contain the real me. And I was more cautious of my intentions, of the wishes thrown in the Universe. This time, I wished for a meaningful connection, for stability, for truth, for a love that completes and soothes, that gives not consumes, for respect and safety, for building together.

And what do you know, the Universe obeyed again and gave me all of these things and more in the man I met three months after that fateful encounter, in the dead of winter. Having learned my lesson, I approached the situation differently, stepping before leaping, assessing before jumping. Committed to taking the time needed for things to progress naturally, steadily. And they did. Three years have passed since and life is good — not all milk and honey, as nothing is perfect in this world apart from nature itself, but it’s honest and true, it’s real and oh so rewarding. It’s what was meant to be. And it couldn’t have happened without you.

I only hope that our experience together made you grow as well because the potential was there. You’re a remarkable individual, but our roads were not meant to bridge, just cross. Shortly after I met the co-tenant of my heart you broke up with your ex, finally realizing there was nothing there anymore. You’re with someone else now and I wish you nothing but happiness, self-awareness, and constant growth.

From the furthest recesses of my soul, I thank you. Nothing happens by chance, this is obvious. I forgave you long ago, but I didn’t realize how much I owed you. By breaking my heart, you helped me find myself. And that’s a treasure beyond compare.

Blessings to you,

Ana

This was long time coming. I honestly wish that someday “Jason” will read this letter, but it matters less. I wrote this for the closure we never got in real life and with the hope that someone out there would find it inspiring, jumpstarting their own soul searching.

My heart is light.

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