To Pimp a 6th Grader's Butterfly

My middle school had 3 PE teachers who all taught in tandem- for some reason I remember all 3 of them watched over us during PE class sessions. I was assigned to Mr. Wiles's class during 6th grade. Mr. Wiles was this beefy, bearded man with a bit of a paunch, and I don't remember much about what he was like as a PE teacher. I remember two things about what he was like as a teacher. The first is that he was fired for being caught with porn on his work laptop, which happened after I graduated from middle school. The second is that he left a comment on my first trimester report card- "James has leadership potential". When my dad saw that comment, he said it seemed like I could be a role model for other students in the class. I didn't think anything about my conduct in class was remarkable or out of the ordinary- all I did was try to follow instructions and not half-ass the exercises, even though I wasn't particularly athletic and was one of the slower people during the mile run. During my middle school career, I figured he must've mixed me up with our family friend who was in Green Hall (this had happened to us before when we were in the same swim class in elementary school). That kid was the bossy and commanding dude who commanded respect from the other kids of Chinese immigrants in our family friends' circles; he seemed like much more of a natural leader than me. But for whatever reason, the designation was stuck on my report card, and that's basically my only positive memory of Mr. Wiles.

Fast forward over a decade later, and I still don't feel like that much of a leader, at least not compared to the people I went to high school with, or the people I went to college with. Part of this could've been because I was raised to compare myself with people who were better at certain skills than me so I could learn from them- a typical mindset for upwardly mobile immigrant households I guess. One example of this was when an acquaintance I knew randomly nominated me for the Husky 100 at my college- which was to recognize 100 undergraduate or graduate students who made the most of their time at the University of Washington. I was in a quarter-life crisis at the time, so even though I had accomplished some things during my undergraduate career, I didn't feel like they were that noteworthy or impactful to others. Imposter syndrome was making me feel like my career was inadequate, and the nomination made me feel like I was being compared to other nominees who presumably had more notable achievements and were on track to do bigger and better things with their post-college careers.

But in hindsight, as I went through my twenties, I came to realize that Mr. Wiles' pronouncement may have indirectly affected my propensity for civic engagement and possibly being more civic minded and do-gooder-ish than I otherwise might've been. This shift in perspective came as I realized how much the idea of public service and being a part of the broader community was imprinted on me, even as I gradually became less connected with my high school and college peers. Somewhere along the way, I realized that I needed to actively seek out my own community, especially as the COVID-19 pandemic disrupted

I also feel like this could've influenced my willingness to be the go-getter in my Boyos-era friend group, even if it meant being the awkward loner who always had to reach out to other people to stay connected with them?

Thinking more seriously about the potential impact, I do think it could've impacted how I conducted myself with my schoolwork and trying my best with a sense of integrity. I do feel like this is something people said about me when they posted those chain email equivalents ("truth is" things on Facebook and whatnot), and I'd like to think that rubbed off on how I saw myself- having a strong sense of right and wrong and the like.

(Idk how/why this got more than 1 read, I just published this for the sake of getting clicks lol. Still a work in progress!)