To my first

There’s still a part of me that wonders if we are soulmates. It’s a childish, naive sort of dream, the kind that gets me hurt. A lot of dreams that have to do with you often get me hurt, but they hurt because you’re my first true love. It was ugly at first. I wasn’t ready. That first time we got together, we didn’t think it through, we were just two lonely 16 year olds and we fell in love in a time of hopeless, desperate need. I thought I would always look back on that first year and wish I’d never done it. And when we broke up, for the longest time, thinking back on that first year hurt.

It’s been a full year and two months now since that first year together, and I’ve learned that time truly does heal. Even those memories that surface, ready to stab me in the gut, they don’t anymore. It doesn’t hurt anymore. For once, I remember the beauty.

But, right now at least, I just miss you. It’s barely been a week since we broke up for the second time, so of course I miss you. But I’m handling it significantly better than the first time. Despite that, you have a hold on me so strong that if you told me to stop breathing… I would. I know a part of it is because I have this relentless fear of being alone. And as much as I’ve healed from that now, the fact that I met you at a time when I wasn’t healed, when I didn’t know how to be alone properly, being with you sometimes reawakens that fear. It’s not as intense as the first time we got together but in a way, I feel like I need you again.

I’m learning to love myself again. Maybe love isn’t the right word. I’m learning how to respect myself, how to hold myself at a higher standard. How to keep my promises to myself.

Promises like, “You won’t get back together with him, you won't work.”, “You will ask for space, you will keep that space, it’s good for you.”, “You will accept that you need to fall out of love with him if you want to be happy.” “You will make those boundaries clear and you will respect them.”

I know you must be going through a hard time too, but sometimes I question if you love me as much as I love you. Or maybe love simply can’t be measured or compared. Everyone loves differently.

I’m writing down how much I love you–how intensely–because I feel like it should be immortalised with words. Because some day, maybe I won’t feel this way anymore, but I’ll always remember that I did. I’ll always remember that once upon a time ago, I would trade a lifetime of happiness with myself, for a fraction of it with you. I’ll always remember that even though I had never experienced love from anyone else before, I always believed that love from you was all I ever needed. All I’d ever want. That’s the stupid, blind beauty of the first love.

I’ll never look back on how I acted and think, “How stupid” because I know that I loved you with every fiber of my soul, in every way I knew how to and I will never regret loving someone. Giving my everything to someone. I truly think, if someone chooses to love another person, they should with everything they can. Give everything they have. Their entire mind and soul. Let it defy reason. And I think that’s how we should love ourselves too. With every single part of us, every insecurity, every flaw, every bad decision. Let everything we do be towards that wholeness of loving ourselves fully.

I have to choose myself this time. If I’m to have you, it will be when I am whole. If I am to have you, I will not accept a fraction of your heart, only all of it. If I am to have you, it will be when I don’t have to sacrifice a part of myself to keep you. If that can never happen, so be it.

I’m saying goodbye, not to you, but this version of my feelings towards you, this relationship and this shared chapter of our lives. It’s not really goodbye, because I know you’re always going to be a part of my life, and I want to make new memories with you. Better memories. I still love you wholeheartedly, because it’s more than the blind romance of the first love, it’s more than the kisses, the gifts, the shared and hidden glances, the fleeting moments and the empty promises. I love you in the way that I think I must have in a past life. Eternally and unconditionally. I guess, in a way, that makes us soulmates.

But I have to withdraw the part of my love that tells me it’s okay to put myself aside to be with you. Because I want to love myself the way I love you.