Time is like a River

Time is like a River,

it only flows in one direction but there are some things in life that are not and that is what is called life's rhythm or pattern or circle. It's called the relationship of the tide, the ripple effect.

Our lives decisions one after one, creates that flow of chaos or harmony in our life. We can decide to make the decisions based on comfort, the temporary solace of our heart, the fulfillment of our desires and momentary pleasures or the decisions that have a long lasting effect and impact on our lives. I used to love and embrace the chaos. I wanted to live life aimlessly and unapologetically,I had no responsibilities and no goals until I had realized that I needed to find my purpose and fulfillment outside of myself. This is not to say I was selfish, in fact it was entirely the opposite. I was more focused on being a kind and empathetic human living for others and their pleasures; giving people what they wanted rather than what they needed and ultimately neglecting myself and the screaming voice within.

I was happy coasting through life trying to find my purpose and piece together the meaning of things feeling as lost as a young girl wandering in a forest. I cannot say that I didn't find myself, but I lost a lot too.

In loss there is a greater gain that can be found and you might just find that it is you.

In all the pieces of the painful journey, the ones that fit together were what was missing in each story. All those pieces helped me find my true sense of belonging and what I wanted.

In 2014, I was an aimless, nomadic hippy traveling from VT to NH to NY trying to find myself getting lost in the world and hoping some truth would suddenly reveal itself to me. I lived with the lies that things happened for a reason so therefore everything was out of my control. The truth was the decisions I made without thought were causing a spiral that had to be stopped. I thought I had found my purpose in a relationship with another “nomadic hippy” who had long blond hair and blue eyes, but in him I found a dream of a life I wanted that came to me in time; The young girl with no destination wanted a destination, a home and a life where she could nurture and love. During that time I dreamt of my son and I saw him in a vision and I knew that he was my future. I wanted the aimless hippy to be my partner but God had other plans and that is now okay.

In 2016, I found a conceptual partner, one who I loved for his sense of adventure at that time, his willingness to be lead rather than to lead. His ability to be free and uninhibited, but this had its life span and then I realized it was a feigned and very convincing enthusiasm he portrayed. I was told by my husband's father before we married that to be successful in a marriage you needed to be "On the same sheet of music," and what truth that has held to this day.

This free spirited stallion with the long dark hair, tan skin and muscular exterior and external beauty a girl could only dream to be loved by, was only a love for a season and the season had expired when we began to compromise too much. There are limits on what we can give and take until that "supposed love" continues to take from you and essentially who you are. There are times where no one is at fault and looking for blame is more destructive, this was one of those cases. He could hold me in his arms and I'd feel safe and loved but there was always an uncertainty of wondering when this was going to end.

It ended in 2017, after my car broke down and I think that was just a sign that I was going to be parting ways. As the season was over for my red truck destiny, it was time to take a new journey and regrow and rebuild myself spiritually and find a new path. I had been working as a life coach and essentially a therapist and my truck was my life and that life also revolved around the handsome charming case manager (not mine, to clarify) and after we had gone through a series of misunderstandings we reached the ultimate conclusion which was made out of love, not spite, and out of the reconfiguration of our recourse. The direction we were both headed in was no longer the same and he wanted me to have things he couldn't give; it was an unspoken denial that we had from the spring of 2017. He had gone through a cancer scare. I had gone with him to the oncologist for the appointment. I remember the fear in the waiting room of losing him and wondering why it was happening. My love for him would have outweighed any outcome. It was thankful it was only a scare but he did have a low white blood cell count and an autoimmune disorder diagnosed from a young age, for this reason he did not want to have children of his own. So our rhythm went back to my first relationship, the dream and then God or the universe saying "This is not the one '' whispering in my ear tantalizing me because I wanted the timing to be then and I wanted that future with him, but God wanted his timing and ultimately who was meant for me. It was a cycle happening all over again but in different ways. The first time it was a factor of religion, the blue eyed blonde hippy saying we can’t raise children with our differences, now it was a factor of "You are going to have all of your dreams even if I have to break your heart, again."

One of the big misconceptions is that we will always want the same thing, our desires, hopes or dreams will never dissuade from the course they had at the beginning of the initial journey. The core of who we are will remain the same and our wants will become our needs.

In 2018, only months later I have given up on dating. I was tired of trying to find love and find the perfect fit. I was either a game to guys, a conquest or I was something to pass the time. The 4th of July 2018 I go back to NH, to visit my family and I meet my husband. I wasn’t ready to go back to relationships filled with uncertainty, and that wasn’t the case. I ran into him in the parking lot of a gas station with my siblings after we had decided to get ice cream, a totally spontaneous decision on my part. He had been driving a silver yukon and upon seeing me, his old flame from the past, he took no missed opportunity to make sure he followed his heart. He told me his night had taken a shift and had gotten much better after seeing me and asked me my plans for the rest of my trip. I had my hesitations being we hadn’t seen each other in so many years and after a bad dump opening my heart again seemed less than appealing. I opened my heart after days of us being together, exploring the dirty back roads on four wheelers, the water scapes of New Hampshire and being together after so long. What I thought was a summer love became my forever love, here we are now years later loving and growing a family in a little country corner of upstate New York. Through many trials I have realized my purpose in sharing love and stories with others as I mother my dream baby, my blonde haired blue eyed child (miraculous since his father and I do not have blue eyes) and we welcome a new miracle on the way. Life doesn’t always give us what we want in that moment but ultimately the purpose we are made for will be fulfilled if we open our hearts and allow the good and the bad to take their play. The journey will be full of disappointment, pain and loss, but in it we will find greater gains and the ultimate purpose of who we are and what role we play in the grand scheme of the universe.