Three Flashbacks

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Flashback 1 – Silent Conversation with Luc Delannoy; June 2026

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Lately there were two questions that I was asked in a group, whose main purpose is to reflect about experience. What is experience? was the question that drove the discussion from the moment in which we experience for the first time to the ever-present philosophical mind-body problem.

I shared part of my work with Dr Froese, some of my notes on enactivism as an approach that somehow still makes sense to me (but that was unfortunately disqualified for being “materialistic”, I wonder now what exactly was meant by that). And yet, once the topic of the out-of-the-body-experience was brought to the table, I stated: “the body is the condition of possibility of experience.” In meditation, while climbing all these experiences have come to me only because my body has been taken to some sort of extreme. Senses were led astray (Distant echo: drugs and the role of triggering the experience faster), and so the perception and interaction with reality as well.

[Having experienced a healthy body, able to take me everywhere I wanted, to cope with harsh situations (a shoulder out of place while rock-climbing, maniacs and what not), I know what it is and know how it shifts your experience, your perception of the here-and-now when it is not a 100% alright.]

At some point, I was prompted: What is life?

I remained in silence, somehow surprised by the whole spectrum I have used to qualify it: “Beautiful, good, real” to lately “a flagrant bitch”. (What should you and shouldn’t share?) “I know it’s early in the morning for you…” It wasn’t that. (What should you and shouldn’t share?) Memory was toying with me at its whim.

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Flashback 2 – Silent conversation with Tom Froese; May 2026

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Still the voices piling up. Still the uncalled coincidences. No matter how much I try to avoid going back again to that chapter. (Feeling close to myself today, after running, after dancing, after listening an academia lecture.) Einverstanden. I’m here. I’ll cope with it now.

Love, love is a verb. Love is a doing word.

I started listening to Froese’s conference. Still dealing with the mind-body problem. The toujour incognita: the problem of mental causation and the problem of consciousness intertwined. “I act because of my experience and these experiences change because of my actions.” Terra incognita. Glad to see that we are still an unexplored universe to ourselves.

“An agent’s behaviour is undetermined by its material basis. Motivation makes a difference to the material’s basis of the agent’s behaviour”

And after HG, I say: an agent’s behaviour is determined. Motivation doesn’t make a difference to the material basis of the agent’s behaviour. To think that I am for determinism now; not necessarily my/by choice.

[Brief parenthesis: so much noise. The problem with today’s world is all this noise. A filtering criterion: does that (whatever x is) really deserve my attention? I attend to things in my own terms and gift my attention; but, then again, not much. And suddenly, a murmur that makes sense (Nick Cave’s). Back to the memory’s turmoil again.]

It seems to me, that if we love, we grieve. That’s the deal. That’s the pact. Grief and love are forever intertwined. Grief is the terrible reminder of the depths of our love and, like love, grief is non-negotiable. - Nick Cave

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Flashback 3 – Three poems; April 2026, December 2025, September 2025

I remember I made the promise: sharing the three poems I wrote after the treatment I picked up for my disease. (I could only write poems for a while, perhaps due to PTSD.) Expression came out first as a sonnet (For you), later as villanelle (Had I) and, finally, in free verse (Let).

[And yet, if I want to be loyal to the form of this whole text going backwards. I’ll deliver the texts from the end to the beginning.]

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Let

Back in spring

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Let the shift adrift and tease.

Let life blend it past with time.

Let me sore and breathe and hiss.

As if there’s no time behind.

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Let the koivus die and leave.

Let the sun shine up and high.

Let the house stay white and clean.

As if we were still alive.

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Let the flowers claim their place.

Let them bloom, find grace, untie.

Let our tears get swept away.

For no’ more can go awry.

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Let us dwell and hail and pray.

Let us linger in the sky.

For when it’s all gone, it’ll say,

“They could never say goodbye.”

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[April, 2026]

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Had I

A recap

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Had I just let you stay with me,

what would’ve been?

For in mind you’ll always be.

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Our dream, our wish, displayed with glee,

portrayed our scene.

“Had I just let you stay with me…”

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You just showed up and we could see

a glowing skin…

“For in my mind you’ll always be.”

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Yet far from pain, I could not be.

“Please don’t be mean!”

Had I just let you stay with me…

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Before three months, we could break free –

I had no grin.

For in my mind, you’ll always be.

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They say, “There was no guarantee.”

What does that mean?!

Had I just let you stay with me!

For in my mind, you’ll always be…

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[December 2025]

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For you

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“For you, my dear, my child, I’ll give my life”

I swore and claimed non-stop to all the stars.

Who would’ve thought with it we’d end up rife?

Shall I foresee it’d leave just pain and scars?

“You’re hope and dreams, a path for us to go”

“You bring just joy to me, to him, to us”

But Life, that flagrant bitch, condemned us both.

“It’s normal”, doctor said, “Don’t make a fuss!”

While try’n to cope with vomit all day long.

The day yet came, before it was too late.

The choice of life or death just came along.

My mind betrayed our love, “Dictate our fate!”

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Shall I, perchance, attempt to dream no more?

For it was you, my love, who I adore(d).

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[September 2025]

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S I L E N C E

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