Thoughts

I have felt the bitter sting of betrayal in many aspects of life,it cuts deeply when there doesn't appear to be a reasoning behind it.

I have always been a champion for people that have mental health issues and illnesses,sometimes sitting up all night to suppourt complete strangers online that ust needed a response from someone,anyone.

I've never charged for my time believing that if I could change the way one person looks at the world that they are in and see some beauty in their part of it than I have helped make life that bit better for myself too. I believe in this so whole heartedly that when my own children told me that I was making them ill too and then cut me off I accepted it. I didn't like it at first but knowing that they are each able to continue their lives in their best way with or without me was something to be proud of,no matter how ashamed of myself I felt.

One thing I can't reconcile in the world is the recruitment factor,people will be nice to your face and then spend time making up stories for other peoples entertainment where they are a victim and you? Well you are the pariah and become shunned.

Spending days imprisoned in your own home but not able to enjoy the peace because of the circumstances of your own mental ilnesses leaves you on edge with your head on a constant swivel waiting for the next onslaught of harassment wether it is your washing being sprayed with a hose, dogs constanty barking, complaints being made about you sunbathing or listening to the music too loud once in a blue moon. You become weighed down with trying to be silent, not using your gardens or your washing line,even giving up the use of your living room because of the banging on the walls or the dog barking. Eventually you retreat to your bedroom and solitude. You no longer try to justify your existence and just accept that your part in the world is to be out of the world. No one notices you are gone yet they continue to spread rumours and make up stories of you bullying and harassing even though there is none of that at all. No contact in fact ever! Yet each week you get to hear new stories about how you are making someone's life a living hell,at this point it would be purely by breathing and you start to wonder. Then you get to a point where you are so tired with it all and you spend time trying to change it by relocating away from the problem and even that ends up becoming a battlefiel as you didn't realise hwo many complaints that you didn't know had been made against you that are attached with your references and suddenly it hits you like a tonne of shit,that this person really does want to see you kill yourself,they want you dead.Then you find yourself really thinking....What's the point?

Why do you keep fighting to stay alive?

When there is only one person that truly values you and the rest of the world shows you everyday that it would be a better place without you,why do you not give in?

I don't know. I don't know why after mutiple attempts a few nearly successful,I am still here when there are others more deserving that should be.

I have no clue how to move forward in a world that doesn't want me to exist when all my attempts fail. I can't even get that right.