This Writing for An Audience

I have no real purpose behind this writing except to state that when you write for an audience (whether a small one, such as I am currently writing for, or a larger one if you are trying to be published or keeping a blog) the process can be down right frightening. Does anyone else read constantly over what you have typed/wrote, and imagine someone reading it to your horror?

I think it's mainly because this platform serves as a stage of sorts. Get me in front of an audience where I know my topic and I'm comfortable in what I am 'speaking' about, and I am alright. Nervous? Sure, but not a debilitating fear. Of course, in high school and college this was the case, but as you get older, and more confident in your knowledge, it's not the case anymore.

However, with writing something for the sake of writing, especially when I turned in several fiction pieces for challenges, there was a part of me who worried if my audience would enjoy what I wrote, or if I came off as a complete fraud.

Imagine my delight when I realized that 'imposter syndrome' is a real thing. Where was this information when I was doing my first student teaching in a school system, and I could not find the correct words to let my instructor and mentor teacher know that I felt like a fraud. I had gone to school to learn methods that may help me to teach, but the moment I had over twenty real faces turning towards me, expecting me to help them understand, I was terrified and felt anything but worthy of the title 'teacher'. Had someone took the time to explain to me that this was completely normal, would I have taken a different career path?

I'm not sure. By the time I was finished with my first student teaching I felt like such a failure that there was no redemption even though the very next semester I was placed in a veteran teacher's classroom and she told me time and again that the very skills that worried me, were things that I would learn as I had my own classrooms full of students. By that point though I had been offered a job in a different area, and I took what I figured was the easy way out at the time.

Those feelings are things that I still struggle with as I type for my imaginary audience. Like has anyone else read back over some of the things you've wrote, and wondered why you just did not delete that story? Or does anyone else physically cringe when reading over your own work? I think when they say you are your own worse judge nothing could be truer.

So instead, I just leave my little stories. Maybe as I keep clacking away at the keys, I will be able to see an improvement in my writings. It encourages me to think along that path. Of course, there are some pieces that I know are far from perfect but that I am so glad that I wrote, so maybe I can hold on to those memories more clearly, like when I wrote about the mission trip I took.

This is one of those times that I don't want the memories to fade. Therefore, even though I stutter even reading over some of my phrases, and I think I really should have found a way for my writing to come out smoother in prose, I leave these writings along because I do not want to change the feeling, or emotion behind what I wrote at that moment in time, when I really had that memory on my mind.

Which is another reason why I sometimes cringe at my own stories, because even in a few of the fiction pieces, I put parts of my real heart or my real story. Therefore, what you are reading is not completely fiction, but sometimes a glimpse into my very heart.

And that is the most thrilling and chilling part of the whole process. To be real enough to be read and understood, or related to, but just enough separated to not bare your whole soul.

Unless you are one of those tell all folks. Which is cool. I envy those types often. But honestly even though types will have some way that they go about the writing process to keep themselves safe. Best example of this is humor. Let me write my heart out, but inject lots of jokes and humor along the way so if you end up laughing at me, it's cool because I was laughing first.

Just some random thoughts as I click and clack away at the keys and figure out what is the next great topic I should broach in my writings. :)

Thanks for reading.