This Wasn't in the Brochure!

When I was a young teenager in the 80s, I would dream about being an adult. I could eat what I want. I could go where I want. I could stay up as late as I want. And I could watch whatever the hell I wanted to on TV or at the movies.

Now that I am an adult in my 50s, what the fuck happened?! I've got doctors telling me I can't eat this or that. With the price of gas going as high as it is, I'm having to travel less. I have to go to bed earlier because I have to get up for work at the butt-crack of dawn. And there are now so many stupid-ass subscriptions, I can't afford to watch what I want on TV.

Back in my teen years, I had a part-time job and made a little money. I used it to buy cool stuff like RC cars, action figures, and LEGO sets.

Today, I'm making a lot more money than I did when I was a teenager. However, as soon as I make it, there is always somebody with a hand out wanting my money. Bill collectors, doctor visits, subscriptions, groceries, and the list goes on. Hell, I've got to go sell plasma to afford to buy a LEGO set! Where the hell was any of this in the brochure?!

When I wished all those years ago to be an adult, it was because I didn't want to eat another Brussels sprout. I wanted to stay up and watch SNL or the new soft-core porn channel dad always watched. I never once saw anything written or heard anything told to me about what I would have to exchange for wishes to come true.

I swear, adulting is like an old, broken-down amusement park. The commercials are all wonderful, bright, and flashy. People are dancing with the park's mascots, and the plates are overflowing with delicious-looking food. You then get to the park, and the rides suck, the food options blow, and one of the mascots is over at the food stand smoking a cigarette while he scratches his balls. And there's no refund on the tickets. We got sold a bag of goods. Adulting is a sham. If I didn't know any better, I would say adulting is some twisted pyramid scheme.

And to top it all off, my mind thinks I'm a year out of college, my body is screaming at me with different pops and clicks, and I still have the sense of humor equal to that of a 10-year-old child. None of this shit was in the brochure! Adulting genuinely sucks.

I also don't feel I was properly trained and qualified to be a parent. It's all fun and games leading up to the time of birth. Picking out onesies, blankets, and such. But when it happens, what do I do now?! No one told me that babies can't drink straight apple juice, or when the right time is to go see the doctor if your baby will not stop crying. I read the birthing books. Not one page tells you how to get baby puke stains out of a business suit.

I've had friends ask, "When does it stop?" The problem is it doesn't. Sure, there are times when it sucks less than others. But all in all, it sucks. We can't change it. We're caught up in it, like it's a huge walking juggernaut, and we're just caught in the gears inside. I feel like this juggernaut has a hatch in its backside somewhere, and when it's done with us, we are shot out of that hatch. I hope when that happens, I've done my best to make the most out of this adulting crap.

My advice is to stay young, never grow up, and eat your Brussels sprouts. If you don't eat them, you will eventually have a doctor telling you you have to eat them. So, if you already like them, then you're ahead of the game.