The Worst Date Ever

This is a story not just to tell you about the worst date I ever went on but also to tell you that even the most crappy situation can be easily turned around and used in your favor. It taught me that no matter how hard or terrible things seem, there is always a way to flip it and make it work for you.

It starts the night before the date. I was with my friends and we were at a Thai food restaurant. It was quite exciting for me because I had never eaten Thai food and couldn’t even imagine the dishes I would be served.

My friend, who is well-traveled and now owns his own Asian fusion restaurant, ordered some Pad Thai, Tom Yum Goong spicy shrimp soup, and something called Gaeng Tai Pla, one of the spiciest curries from Thailand. I had no idea what any of it was at the time but I was hooked.

The aromas, textures, and tastes of everything were so different from anything I had ever had before and despite my tongue burning from all the exotic spices, I couldn’t stop eating. It was definitely one of the best meals I have ever had in my life.

The next day I had planned to meet a girl named Tomoko for a date in downtown Nagoya, which is a big city in Japan. I met her through a friend and she was a local woman who agreed to show me around her town which I had just recently moved to, for my new job.

We made plans to meet late afternoon so we could do some shopping, grab some dinner and maybe hang out at a bar or cafe. I am an early bird so I took a train from my suburb and arrived in Nagoya City almost two hours early.

I decided to go to the local internet cafe and check my email, watch YouTube, and wait until my date arrived.

And that is when the trouble began.

At first, it started as a mild discomfort. I started feeling hot and perspiration started forming around my face. As time went on though, I started feeling a very tight feeling in my abdomen and my insides were cramping up. It happened so quickly but I progressed from enjoying a nice time lounging in a cushy computer chair to having contractions in my stomach.

I am a guy so I don’t know what pregnancy contractions feel like but I am pretty sure what I was feeling was close

I realized it must be the exotic, spicy Thai food I ate yesterday not agreeing with my body. So I decided to go to the bathroom and hopefully feel better. But the stall was occupied.

The internet cafe is only one floor, has only a single men's and women’s bathroom with only one stall, and leaving the cafe means forfeiting the 2-hour pack I had purchased in advance. So I waited for the stall to free up.

I was standing outside that stall for probably 15 minutes but it felt like hours. Not only was my stomach in full pain mode but my bowels were not happy and were trying to quickly remove all the toxic contents from my body.

My sphincter was doing its best to hold it in until I could get to the stall but it was being pushed to the extreme.

I considered leaving the cafe and heading outside to find another bathroom but most public bathrooms in that part of town are not Western-style and therefore are squatting toilets.

And not only is it difficult for overweight people like me to squat over them, but I was afraid that the pressure and flow of my bowels would probably miss the target and I would end up spraying the entire floor with feces.

So I stood outside that stall and cursed whoever was in there for so long. What the hell did they eat?

I was at the breaking point and it was either run for another bathroom or knock on the door and pressure the person to leave the stall. Both options seemed tough but in the end, I didn’t have to choose either.

My body went numb and the lower half of my body just gave up. I stood outside the men’s bathroom as a torrent of semi-liquid crap filled up my underwear and started running down my leg.

I ran to my computer, grabbed my jacket and bag, and left the cafe. Luckily I had prepaid so I could just get up and go. I half ran half wobbled down the street with panic in my mind and poop inside my pants.

I came across a shop called Daiei, which is the Japanese equivalent to a Walmart. I ran to the men’s clothing aisle, grabbed some underwear, towels, wet tissues, deodorant, hand lotion, track pants, and socks. That’s how far it had reached.

I bought the items and headed to their bathroom (which as I imagined had squat toilets). I just got in the stall, removed all my soiled clothes, and used the wet tissues and towels to clean myself off the best I could.

I used deodorant and hand lotion to further get that rancid smell off my body. I put on the new underwear, socks, and track pants and wadded up all my soiled clothes in a plastic bag. I then dumped the bag of offending clothes in the garbage like a serial killer would dump his blood-soaked clothes to hide from the police. I didn’t want anyone linking me to this crime.

After all, was said and done, I still had about 15 minutes to kill before Tomoko arrived so I went and bought some gum. You know, to make a good first impression.

Tomoko arrived, we started walking and I realized that despite the cleanup and new clothes, I still didn’t feel 100% right. So I did something I would never ever do on a first date.

I told her that shopping and cafes were fine but I would rather take her to my place, cook her a nice meal and relax watching a movie or listening to music on my couch.

Now I know when a guy invites a girl over for a date at his place, he is hoping to get laid. But in my case, I just wanted to go home and take a shower. With or without her.

I was shocked when she agreed without hesitation and we took the train back to my suburban town. I got some groceries from the supermarket outside my train station and we walked back to my place arm in arm.

Putting on some music, I left her in the living room and told her I needed a quick shower. It was the best shower I had ever taken. Soap never smelled so good and a loofa never felt so cleansing.

After my shower, I changed into some house clothes and cooked her dinner. We ate, listened to music, had some wine, and she ended up spending the night.

Wow.

I went from a shitty situation (literally) and turned it around to a charming and romantic night. Had I given up and either canceled our date or just not shown up, all I would have had was a long, squishy ride home alone.

The moral of this story is shit happens. Rather than giving up and only seeing the negative side, if you can clean yourself off and revise your approach, sometimes you achieve more than you ever imagined.

This article by me also appears here: https://medium.com/fml-or-bust/the-worst-date-ever-b9fc6b6d961f