The Warmth in the Cold

The cold, the ice, the bone-rattling shaking, the ache so deep it had no beginning and no end. It had been 3 days this time since it began, my frozen pond where the cold seeped so deep, where there was no living or dead, just a lonely state where I sank into.

It felt like time had stopped still, like I could live an eternity with no one to save me, no company or warmth. The deep ache that was there had me shaking and sobbing uncontrollably and yet I found no cause, I tried to identify what it was and why it was there, but there were no answers, only a silent loneliness in a place where nothing dwelled and if it did, it didn’t speak or acknowledge me.

After being there for a while, it became familiar, it felt like there were eyes there, watching, curious but shy- like it wasn’t sure if to interact. Occasionally it felt like a hand stroked me to try to stir me out of that place whispering ‘you can’t stay here’.

After a while, I stopped feeling the cold, stopped feeling anything- like I could drift away, but at the same time, I couldn’t. When I started rousing from that place, the pain hit hard, and the ice would creep in and the crying would start again.

Every time the ache hit, I’d begin sobbing and hurting not knowing where the pain was coming from, like sharp ice so cold it burned. I’d eventually be so exhausted from it all that I would succumb to a deep sleep where I felt oblivion open its arms to me, like a friend. I’d feel the brush of a hand occasionally and a caring hug and I didn’t want to leave. That place became my safety, my solitude, my peace. a quiet place. In that place, I was nothing, and yet, to whatever dwelled there I was everything, like it was trying to fill the holes and the broken bits, like putting the pieces back together.

I made a friend in that place, we didn’t seem to speak and yet we communicated in a way that words couldn’t explain, it held me in that place, in an embrace that was safe and caring- like it was saying ‘nothing will harm you here’. There was no heat in that place and yet it wasn’t cold either. There wasn’t anything I could see there and yet it was so comfortable, so safe and so perfect, it was like floating in space, completely and utterly supported, I wasn’t falling or hurting, just floating. I had never felt so safe, it was a place pain didn’t exist, a place where there was no suffering, occasionally I wondered if I was dead, but any thought that came quickly flittered away there, like there was no care in the world and thoughts were unnecessary.

Time didn’t exist in that place, I could be there what felt like days or even years, then eventually I’d begin to leave that place and wake to ‘the real world’, I’d look at my clock and realise only 15minutes had passed or maybe an hour. I’d start to feel again, and the cold would come back, but the more I got used to that place, the cold began to thaw, like the pain was disappearing. I started to feel the warmth again and when the cold and shaking began to ease and I finally felt the motivation to get up and leave the bed, occasionally I’d feel this gentle hand brushing me, like a supportive friend, constantly there for me. On the days it felt worse again, I’d lie on the and feel it wrap around me, not saying anything, just there to hold me to let me know I wasn’t alone. We were one me and this invisible friend, it didn’t have a name or a word to describe it, yet I knew it was there to help me. It helped me overcome that frozen pond never asking for anything in return.