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The Urge to Pull

My Hair Pulling Euphoria

By Baillie BakerPublished 3 years ago 3 min read
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The Urge to Pull
Photo by M.T ElGassier on Unsplash

Stress. A simple word for such a complicated emotion

At 16 years old I was diagnosed with Trichotillomania. If you’ve never heard of this disorder before it’s ok, I didn’t know anything about it either.

Let me introduce you to my nemesis;

Trichotillomania (pronounced trik-o-till-o-MAY-nee-uh), also referred to as “hair-pulling disorder”

There are so many healthy alternatives to alleviate stress in your life. Exercise, meditation and journaling are just a few outlets that calm the mind and ease the soul. Unfortunately for me, my mind would override those options and revert to more of a self soothing technique, which in turn would be to pull out my hair.

Now, self soothing is a natural way the body reacts to an emotional disturbance. Babies self soothe when in distress. Sucking their thumbs or making noises to distract themselves from becoming overwhelmed until they are comforted and secure. My mind was obviously mimicking those same techniques just on a different level.

To be honest with you, I didn’t even realize I was pulling at the start. Trichotillomania is a mental disorder that falls under the Obsessive-Compulsive umbrella.

The Beginning

It started with my eyelashes. Whenever I was bored, anxious, stressed or tired my fingers found their way to my eyes. I’d completely zone out the entire time, as if my mind was protecting itself with distraction. There was never any pain, only pleasure. Hypnotic euphoria.

As time went on the sensation to pull grew. All of a sudden I wasn’t just pulling out my eyelashes, my fingers made their way into my eyebrows and the hair on my head.

By this point I was pulling all the time. It didn’t matter what I was doing either. I could be driving down a highway or having dinner out with friends. Nothing was off limits. Members of my own family would see me pulling and say things like “what the hell are you doing?” or “stop it, you look ridiculous”. As soon as they’d call me out, my fingers would drop. I’d smile out of embarrassment and for the fact I got caught, then proceed to laugh it off...Only to dive right back in 5 minutes later. I have to add. These pulling episodes didn’t just last a few minutes. They lasted hours sometimes. My arms would literally be so sore from pulling at my hair. Talk about addiction.

I've tried different techniques to deter my picking. Wearing an elastic on my wrist so I could snap it, sporting a ball cap with my hair tied up all day, or clenching my fists till my hands got tired. Nothing worked. My mind went on autopilot and off I went.

Present Day

I have accepted the fact that there is no cure for Trichotillomania, and still to this day I struggle with the constant urge to pull my hair. In fact, whenever my fingers come off this keyboard, they’re in my hair. The difference from now to then, is I am much more mindful of what my fingers are doing. I have trained myself to feel the strand of hair instead of pulling it out automatically. Mind you, if there’s a wiry hair in there, it’s gone. I get such an overwhelming sensation to pull it, it has to come out.

I have also come to terms that not everyone around me is going to understand this disorder, and that’s okay. Here’s the good part...Support groups online are filled with people just like me. People I can connect with and share my stories with. People who do not make me feel guilty for something I have absolutely no control over. People who can relate to how I’m feeling and essentially lift me up when I’m feeling down. There are so many wonderful websites out there that provide the tools to ultimately take control of your life (and your fingers) so you too can get on with your day.

I'll leave you with this funny little pun; Hair today...Gone tomorrow!

So...You Gotta Get Out of Your Pajamas Girl!

Bad habits
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About the Creator

Baillie Baker

Happiness is an inside job. Trying to maintain peace within myself by writing. Thank you for reading.

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