The Undertow

I remember distinctly getting caught in the under tow when I was little. I want to say that I was around six years old and it was at the ocean. Growing up in CT we often got up early on saturday mornings and would all go off to one ocean or another. I had heard of the under tow, even my absent minded parents warned us like all other children were warned.

I wouldn't say that I fought against it. I don't think that in 35 years I have ever really fought against what pulled me under. I think back to that experience with the undertow a lot. I remember reaching for the shore. The sand that I grabbed shouldn't have held me but it did. I remember the first breath of air I took after coming up and realizing that no one was even looking for me. I can't say that anyone has really looked for me since.

I don't spend a lot of time complaining about my life or comparing it to the trajectory of what should have happened compared to what did. I am 35 years old now. My mother divorced the man that she was married to at the time of my encounter with the undertow and married the man whom she convinced that he was my biological father and lost all faith in the DNA that proved that was never true.

If I never become anything in my life other than not my mother, I will take that as more success than most people would. I am now a mother myself to a child who is forever fighting his own mental under tow living at 12 years old with Autism and Schizophrenia. With him I watch the undertow but always make sure he knows to never go completely under.

Maybe our idea of the undertow is all wrong. Maybe it doesn't pull humans down to the depths of the ocean because it is trying to hurt us maybe it wants to take us someplace better. Sometimes I wonder if I ever really got myself out or just came up in something parallel to the life that I was living. Maybe that is why so many people feel called to the ocean. Maybe that is why so many people go under and don't come back.

I don't know if the ocean or life itself is really what drags us all down. I am not sure that anyone has ever really figured it all out. I do know that it all goes back to the vast unexplored ocean. Whether it is aliens that only want to take a few or the ocean really is the only connection between all realities and all worlds, we may never know.

There is so much that is unexplored and that we do not know. What we do know is that a force exists that tries to pull people under and why anyone really fights it I am not sure there is reason. Maybe the answer to everything is just to return ot the ocean not to drown or to end though many people who do feel drawn to jump into the water. They found signs of alien life in the ocean but maybe it is us that are the real aliens to them. If there are any life forms in the ocean with an internet connection and you find this just know that I would really love to have a chat about all of this. Send up a diary if you would or some way that most of us here currently stick with the state of dry land could find a way to communicate with you.