The Salty, Sweet, & Shit List

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I've always really wanted to use profanity in a title, maybe it started when I was ballsy enough to write "bastard" on my Grade 11 English exam. In university I wrote also wrote "fuck" multiple times to answer a question about literature and the Holocaust on an exam. But I digress, as an elementary school teacher I have to stay "professional". Though this is not the classroom. Thank fuck.

So why am I starting off this article with a sidebar discussion about profanity?

Well reader, it is because I have been challenged by Courtney Capone to write a list of ten things I love and ten things I hate. Now personally, I don't like the word "hate", it's too harsh for me and I don't need that kind of energy in my life. I get enough of that from others and I don't care to spread it.

Instead, you're getting the salty, sweet, and shitty list. A list of 5things I'm meh about, a list of things I love, and a list of things I'm beyond done with. Yes, that's right, five things, because I'm tired and this will be too damn long.

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The Salty.

1. I am hella salty about all the dog fur in my house. Vacuuming every two days is not my ideal activity. I mean, it's not the worst, and I know it's not my dog's fault. But fuck, every goddamn morning waking up with dog fur clinging to my mouth is not exactly sexy.

2. You know that moment when you want to redecorate your place but you don't really have a lot of options? So you angle a chair different and try to be content about it? Well I'm salty about that. And the angle of the chair is not helping.

3. Dishes. I'm just as surprised that this isn't in the "beyond done with" list, but when I get really stressed, I do dishes. So it's not the worst thing. But damn, there's just always dishes waiting for you, eh?

4. The smell of cheese baking/cooking. As a lactose intolerant folx with synesthesia, the intense smell just irks me. After a few minutes I adapt, but in the beginning, fuck!

5. The cat taking naps in the sink. It's cute, but not when you want to wash your hands or brush your teeth. And he gets like right in there and stares at you like he knows he's cute.

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The Sweet.

1. I absolutely love my wife playing with my hair. Talk about goosebumps and gooey good feels. I am the biggest mush when she does that. I'm also just the biggest mush around her in general.

2. A damn good book. One of those books you can't put down, that you just binge on and time and the world around you just doesn't matter. Let's start with "Moon of the Crusted Snow" by Waubgeshig Rice and end with "Keeper 'n' Me" by Richard Wagamese.

3. Snow. And walking on the frozen ice. And the winter. And everything to do with the freezing wind icing your faces and frosting your eyelashes. The feeling of your nose hairs screaming upon inhale. The steamy breath upon exhale. All of that.

4. Spices. If I could explain my love for the smell, sight, taste, feel, of spices, we'd be here a while. But it lights up my brain and makes my heart bloom.

5. The feeling of family lately when my wife, dog, cat, and myself are all together hanging out on the bed. It's been only a few months, but gosh, it feels so nice to have my own little family. I don't feel alone.

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The Shit.

1. Conflicts that have nothing to-fucking-do with me, and are just about someone's own ego/pride/superiority complex. I fucking hate that. Like grow the fuck up.

2. Ungratefulness. And it's not just the youngest generations, it's everyone, we've just become so ungrateful. And if you don't understand gratitude, then there's no way you'll understand respect. And that's a whole other can of ugly-ass worms.

3. The Climate Crisis. Yes, I said CRISIS. Because the way we treat the Earth and the environment is disgusting and we should all be damn ashamed about it. Yes, a lot of it has to do with big corporations, but it ALSO starts with you. Look around. Do better.

4. Lack of communication/playing games really grinds my motherfucking gears. Why do people have to be so fake and superficial? It's just a waste of time and doesn't make anything for anyone any better. Again, grow up.

5. The goddamn legal and social regulation of female bodies by men. For fuck's sake, why do men still have so much power? I'm not just taking about what's going now in the States in regards to abortion laws. I'm talking about hecklers, workplace harassment, crude comments, grooming, femicides, sex education, etc. Why are women still seen as inferior? We need to do better. Men need to do better. And if you're a man who thinks they've never contributed to institutional sexism, have you been talking to other men about this problem? Have you been fighting against toxic masculinity and egoism? Have you been directly support women around you (not just in your life but in your day-to-day?) Have you even thought about it? If not, then you're just a passive bystander who's contributing to the problem. Yeah, I said it, bite me.

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In Summary…

This was a lot easier than I thought once I got started. Maybe I did need a list of ten so I could expand my likes and dislikes more; but this is what you're getting. Be grateful for it.

To sum up the salt, the sweet, and the shit:

1. I need to clean my house better.

2. I am so grateful for my lil' family and nature.

3. Don't be a fucking shithead.

This article was originally posted on Medium under my pseudonym Poet-In-The-Arctic.