The Opera

Dear Vincenzo,

That lance that I had chosen to use in the not so well-known opera, 'La Soffrenze Di Un Pagliaccio' by Antonio Bellicini, wasn't supposed to be a real lance, it was supposed to be made of rubber. But I thought that maybe, if there were a little more realism on the stage, things wouldn't be so chincy.

I bought two real flintlock pistols too. I thought that during the dueling scene, the shot would sound so real that it would startle the audience and they'd come back to see the opera again. I believe in realism.

I had thought I had the right position for the lancer, but as you can see, when Elonzo hit that high note when the business end of the lance jabbed his left butt cheek, everything went awry.

But, like the professional that he is, he made it look like it was part of the scene. The curtain closed on the scene, and we had to call the EMS workers to help poor Elonzo, but he swore he would return before the opening of the next act.

The curtain opened and the duelers appeared on stage. They recited their lines perfectly, sang their parts skillfully, and then aimed their pistols. The blast from the pistols was loud indeed. It did exactly what I hoped it would do, startle the audience.

The smoke from the pistols covered the stage as the ball in the chamber of the first duelers pistol shot off the second dueler's three-cornered hat. The ball from the pistol of the second dueler tore through the lapel on the first dueler's right shoulder. The orchestra kept playing while the two of them stared in disbelief. The crowd loved it. I believe in realism.

Against the wishes of the doctor and the EMS workers, Elonzo returned. Someone had told him about the pistols, and he stared at me in disbelief. Elonzo recited his lines beautifully and sang his part as if Pavarotti had channeled through him. With each note, he clutched his butt cheek, and limped in time with the music, how ingenious.

The courtship scene was amazing. Leonora and Paulino were splendid. They expertly waved away the bees that hovered around the flowers, oh, I used real flowers, I believe in realism. Oh, what professionals Leonora and Paulino were on that stage. Paulino was a trooper while Leonora sneezed. I didn't know that she was allergic to tulips, but I will be sure to remember it next performance. Leonora executed her lines just like the artist she is. She sneezed through her solo and even made the sneezes and sniffles a part of their singing duet. Paulino pulled out a silk handkerchief, allowed Leonora to blow her nose along with the blast of the trumpets and with the roll of the timpani, and then placed it back in his pocket with the tremolo of the oboes.

This realism is what I longed for. I had hoped that it would enhance every performance. Everything was going as planned, it was so beautiful. The lighting was perfect, the scenery was divine, and everything was at its zenith, so I thought. I was preparing them all for the finale. Where all the characters come out and sing together in wonderful harmony. This, I thought, would be the epitome of perfection, the joie de vivre, Le Grand Finale. I planned it, and I knew that it would be tremendous. Unbeknown to the performers, was a cage full of doves. Just as they hit the high note together, I planned to let the doves loose.

They all sung together in perfect harmony and hit that wonderful high note. I opened the cage and let the doves free! They all flew from their cage and over the performers. But suddenly there was a rain of bird droppings as never has been or would ever be seen again in this lifetime. It fell over the audience too just as the orchestra reached its crescendo.

There were droppings everywhere, everyone was running for cover. Oh, what a musical mess. Oh, what a tragedy for the stage. Oh, those poor performers. The orchestra pit got hit too, and they kept on playing.

I quickly found my way to the nearest exit and an awaiting cab. Maybe tomorrow they won't be so upset.