THE LONG ROAD TO A HAPPY LIFE

The definition of happy is 1. feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. Or 2. having a sense of confidence in or satisfaction with a person or situation or arrangement. The road to find this in my own life was a long one. I spent many years thinking if I could just make enough money, find the right person, or have enough material things I would have happiness.

The thing is I never really felt I belonged anywhere. I grew up in a home where my parents loved us enough, but our family was full of disfunction. Our home at times was full of violent outbursts and hours of shouting matches. And most of that seemed to be centered around me. Popular opinion was that this was my fault. My mom had gotten pregnant with me right after she married my father, something she had not planned. I believed most my life she resented the unplanned introduction into motherhood. She often told me I was an accident but my two sisters where planned when she got angry. This made me feel unwanted and like I did not fit into the family. I often wondered if I was adopted, I remember going to restaurants and looking at all the other families, wondering which one I really belonged to.

Granted I was a troubled child when I was young. I often acted out in outburst especially at school. At one point during my first year of kindergarten I picked up a desk and threw it at my teacher. I would have many outburst in class and would have to be separated from the rest of the kids. My parents both worked at the school. You can imagine this was difficult, to say the least for them. My behavior at school and problems at home climaxed by the third grade. I meet my teacher Mrs. Browne who had no patients for my antics and her ruler often landed across my hand. I was diagnosed with a learning disability that year. And then placed into special education.

I stayed mainly in special education classes until high school. This separated me from most of the kids in my class. Needless to say I never felt I fit in at school. I was considered to be weird and had very few friends. The friends I did make my parents did not approve of. So I was not allowed to keep them. Because I did not feel I belonged anywhere, I typically hid in my room at home. This isolated me from the family, unless our house was embattled in one of our frequent 3 hour long shooting matches. So you see from a young age I didn't really have much happiness . I spent much of my adult life searching for it.

Starting out in life I meet a man at a dance that I thought would make me happy. I was 18 years old and he was about 7 years older than me . His name was John Alberts. He was tall and handsome, while we where dating he treated me better than most people had. Opening doors for me buying me presents and dinners. It did not take me long to decide he was the love of my life. In just a couple of months I became pregnant with our son. And we moved in together. For a short time I had thought I found happiness. However he never really got over the love he had for his first wife. Truth be told he resented the fact I had gotten pregnant and he was stuck with me. After the birth of our son the violence in the relationship got worse and worse. Our home was exactly like the war zone I was used to. John would loose his temper, go into violent rages over anything. At the end of the relationship he decided he wanted to go back with his first wife, I did not beg him to stay.

I started the life as a single mother and found myself living on my own for the first time at 21 years of age. I only had a high school education and did not have a lot of work experience . The jobs I was able to get did not pay a lot and I struggled to provide for my son on my own. What I was seeking was happiness but what I was finding was nothing but struggle and an uncertain future. I loved the new freedom I had found. And the fact my home was no longer a battle ground, which it had been most of my life. I became embattled in a horrible custody battle for my son that lasted for about 2 years. His father showed up at my doorstep one day and asked if he could take him for ice cream. He never bought him back. I was not allowed to see my son until I was able to fight his father in the courts a year later. This was a devastating experience. I began to hate John, my son's father like no other person. And I became consumed with that hate. When you recent someone like I did it is hard to find happiness.

I did eventually obtain custody of my baby and I was living the life of a single mother again. I wanted to do the best I could for my son. And I loved him with all of my heart. But the pressures of being a single mom and not ever having anyone to help me with anything where hard. It was me and my son against the world, we where on our own. Looking back I would not have it any other way. But back then I did struggle with money, I spent most of the time in fear of how I was going to pay for rent and for food. Everything always worked out but the pressures of having these responsibilities all on my own where harsh. I guess because of that and the fact I was full of resentment towards people of my past, I cracked.

I feel into a life a drug addiction and alcoholism. The freedom I had to do anything I wanted went to my head. And within a couple of years I was out of control. I didn't want this kind of life and never imagined it for myself. As a little girl I remember fantasizing about my wedding. And the kids I would have. The type of house I would have and with the white picket fence and all. That was my idea of a happy life, it was far from the one I had. I spent the next several years in search of the person to make me happy. I visited a many gentlemen in the evening hours only to find they where not what I was looking for. I was the life of any party for a while. I can not say I didn't have fun. In fact my life was one big party from sun up until sun down. But my heart held a heavy sadness I could not shake. I felt alone and abandoned.

My addiction cost me everything at the end of it. I was not able to be the mom I wanted to be or the person I wanted to be. I could not keep out of treatment centers or jails or institutions. I could not even keep a job, my life became a living nightmare leading to me detoxing on my drug dealers recliner. Trust me there is not much happiness in that. I found recovery and have been clean a number of year. But it was a struggle for a long time. I started my life all over and had to start with nothing and build my way up from that. Eventually I meet the man I was meant to marry and I can say we have a happy life today.

I guess the road to happiness can be a long journey for everyone. Filled with bumps in the road and obstacles you have to get through. Once you find happiness it is worth it. The one thing I learned about being happy is that there is not a person or thing that can make you happy. Happiness has to come within you, and if happiness is what you want, happiness is what you will have.