The Long Con

Regrets are for those who haven’t tried the wealth of opportunities we have extended to ourselves daily and these can lead to embarrassing moments, but a flushed and blushing face is always worth taking a chance. I was twenty five when I had my first baby, actually my wife at the time had her, but I did my part. I’d never been around babies, I was the first in my family to have one, so I’d be doing a lot of firsts, but I have to say changing a diaper scared the shit out of me.

My daughter Katey was going on teo weeks old and I had yet to accept the challenge, but early one Sunday morning I heard her crying from her crib and the now ex was exhausted, so I figured what the fuck, I’ve seen her do it, I’ll give it a go. I walked down the hall and found these big eyes staring at me, apparently my daughter wasn’t expecting her dad any more than I was expecting to be there.

The ex had set up a changing station in the room, and these were the days of cloth diapers, numerous powders and salves. I picked up Katey and she began to smile, I should have stopped there, but I had booty duty and I promised myself I was going to take in the challenge. I set her down on the changing table and there were two shelves directly above the table with every thing I needed. I pulled off the dirty diaper, filled with poop, and wiped her little booty. She was still smiling but there was a look in her two week old eyes I hadn’t seen yet, it scared me and probably scarred me as well.

Everything went fine, she was clean and the last thing I had to do was pin the diaper in and we were golden. I grabbed a diaper and went to put it on and she projectiles pooped that freaked me. I threw my hands in the air, accidentally knocking of both shelves, I protected Katey from the danger but the wuicknesss of the unexpected noise had her crying. Baby powder was flying everywhere my baby was crying and so was I, the ex came running down the hall and I retired to the couch, utterly spent and still very emotional. Katey was teo weeks but apparently this scarred her so bad she didn’t forget.

Now we flash forward fifteen years and three more kids later and her mom was helping Katey as she now possessed a driving license, the beginning one, she had to have a parent in the car and I wasn’t going to put my life a risk with a fifteen year old driver. After a few months her mom mentioned Katey was very good at driving and my daughter begged me to go with her fir a short spin around the neighborhood, I accepted.

She drove me around the quiet streets and lo and behold I was shocked, she was good, very good. She pulled into our driveway and I was praising her prolifically and she was so proud of herself, then I noticed that look in her eyes again. She went to turn off the car but neither of us noticed she had yet to put it in park, she accidentally, at least I think accidentally, hit the gas and ran right through the wooden garage door, the door exploding in pieces like a bomb had hit it, the thing literally splintered. I reached over and threw the transmission in park before she drove through the house, but by now we were both crying again, her tears from fright, mine from laughter, this had to be the longest con known to man. We still laugh about it to this day, but she had definitely gotten me back. Fatherhood isn’t easy, nor is childhood or for that matter any of the hoods.