The landslide of emotions when you can't say sorry...

Dear Mother,

I wish I told you how much I love you just once. I’m not shy yet I remain mute. I wait for you to be lying on your death bed taking your final ragged breaths. You wheeze and splutter. Still the words stay buried deep within me.

I feel overwhelmed by utter self-hatred. I always felt like I was on the edge, about to burst into a million different pieces. I have this choice to either let life happen to me or destroy myself. I know that's such a cliché way of thinking, but there's nothing else I can do. If I am to follow in your footsteps maybe it will be others who are my destruction.

The battle never ends. It is taking a toll on everyone, even the people who create it. My world became so bleak, so ugly and it seemed like the only way out is death.

An average child, wrapped up in playing, learning, growing. Wanting to stand out, fit in. Fade away, and shine bright. Your loving embrace always covering me, protecting me without a thought. Arms that encircle are omnipresent without needing to ask, catching me when I fall, saving me from myself.

As I mature I question more, and begin to wonder. A dull ache begins in the pit of my stomach.

Guilt

Of who I am and what I have done and haven’t done, what can I do to rectify the wrongs, anything? Or are the actions I now contemplate all too late

Terror

Of everything to come, and all which is lost to me.

Fear

Of the future, without you there will be none.

Melancholy

for everything that has gone, slipping away into obscurity as am I.

All of this emotion inside me and “I love you,” or “I’m sorry.” Mere thoughts as fine and tenuous as the whisper of the wind through the trees. In my ears the wind is a tornado while I stand rooted in the centre of tornado alley ripping you apart with my lack of words. Thoughts lay scattered like the debris after the storm.

You start to crack before me, spewing your venomous lava and still I remain mute. A bushfire of emotion rages across your face an effort for a reaction, something, anything is better than the void. Next comes a tidal wave of emotion from you, a flash flood of your tears stream forth. Internally my own tidal wave of sadness engulfs me.

A rage of monumental proportions shakes from you, shattering your very foundations and tumbling me to the ground. Laying before you I now witness the disease, I find my voice.

“Why Mother?” There are no words you can utter, your time has come to be silent, your anger at your child is clear.

“I’m so sorry Mother, I wish I could take back all the hurt and pain caused over the years. Alas I cannot, nor can I promise to change for the change is too great and the hour too late for you.”

Another wheezing breath, and the shudder of the severity of this situation. I am loosing you, time is running out.

“I love you, if only we had more time together we would be able to mend my ways. To right the wrongs and to prove myself to you, make you proud.”

Determination leads me on to tell you, my mind screams at me to do not tell and prove my love. Words mean nothing to you, actions are what you require, for me to demonstrate your importance and my love.

I will start today in my own little way to prove by making a difference.

All my love,

Mankind.

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