The Fleeting High of Retail Therapy

I have a confession. I am an irresponsible over spender. It’s not a rare condition. I have a friend who cannot stop buying clothes despite, the fact that she has to make her basement her closet so they all fit. Her favorite outing when we get together is coffee first and then shopping. I love her dearly but she’s a bad influence on me.

To be honest, her influence doesn’t make me do anything I don’t want to do already. I will spend money on anything. Mostly money I do not have. Actually, always money I don’t have. My bills are forced to suffer…and we all know what a “great” idea it is to ignore what you’re actually expected to spend money on. No matter. I fail each and every time to make the correct choice. Each time I am approved for another credit card or my lines of credit are increased, I both curse and praise my situation.

Just recently one of my credit cards increased my line of credit by $1000. I was thrilled. I was terrified. I have less than $100 left. I cannot tell you everything that I purchased…because I honestly cannot remember most of it. I just know that everyday the post office, UPS, FEDEX, PRIME … take your pick … delivers something new. And for maybe 1 day at most, I convince myself that these “things” have made me happier, that they’ve made my life better. It’s all a lie though. The sense of guilt and shame shows up eventually and I’m out of money. But even that doesn’t deter me when I find something else I believe I cannot live without and especially when I have some new way of paying for it.

That’s why I am an irresponsible over spender. I cannot resist what the post office, UPS and FEDEX provide for me: Ten to fifteen minutes of joy and happiness. I will do whatever it takes to have that. If a day goes by and I haven’t received a box, plastic bag, cardboard sleeve or bubble mailer, I feel unnaturally sad. Deprived even. It’s really no way to live, but I don’t know if I can stop.

I am in therapy. (Who isn’t, Right?) My chronic over spending is a topic we visit very, very often. My therapist and I cannot decide which of my conditions is responsible for this defect, this flaw. Is it the OCD? An obsession I have no control over but need to get control over and soon? Or is it the Depression? Do these packages give me the few precious moments of happiness that my life seems to Lack? Maybe it’s being autistic? A need to collect items and keep them close to me?

We discuss ways and means to fix this defect, this flaw: Instead of buying books, go to the library. (“But I need to possess the books,” I’ll say.) Wear the clothes you already have, don’t buy anything impractical this month. (“But that Goonies tee shirt from Modcloth is too awesome to pass up,” I’ll lament.) You don’t really wear makeup. Do you really need more lipstick? (“Target sells so many different brands and they’re cheap. What’s a few more?” I rationalize.)

It’s never-ending and I always have an excuse for why I need more. Even I am getting tired of it. OCD. Depression. Autism. My reason could be any one of them. Or all of them. That doesn’t change the fact that I need to stop spending. Other people have the same conditions I have. Do they have the same need that I do? How do they manage it?

I sure would love to know. In the meantime, I’m hoping publishing an article about my “habit” will leave me chastised enough to make me want to stop spending so much. Call it anti-retail therapy. And if you see me out and about, getting ready to buy more of anything, for God’s sake take my credit cards away from me.