The Failed Taylor Swift Serenade

I'm about to show my age, but I remember when Taylor Swift first came on the scene in 2007. (Yes I am feeling super old just writing this.) Being a choir kid since I was really young, I always wanted to be in the spot light, almost to the extent of Lea Michele from "Glee". I strived for fame, and I wanted everyone to know who I was. Now keep in mind, I definitely didn't have the vocal chords that reflected how I sounded in my head- but I wanted to be someone.

7th grade was a huge year for me. There seemed to be this silent pressure of making a name for myself. I wanted to be someone that was remembered- but more importantly someone who fit in. I severely was craving attention from others because of what I was lacking in my own social environment at home from my family. Alot of instability and fighting but that's what made music so important to me. Music was my escape from the realities that I was dealing with on a daily basis. Performing made me feel important and it was the thrill of holding the microphone in my hand and the world seeing me in the present moment.

I bought Taylor Swift's self titled Album "Taylor Swift" in 2006. That bright blue cover and catchy song Tear Drops On My Guitar severely impacted me. If she could write her feelings out in lyrics and sing them for millions on the radio, then I wanted to write my own song about Luke. Now I'll admit, this was the point where if I could go back in time and warn my younger self about the years of humiliation ahead- I totally would. Unfortunately that time machine doesn't exist that we know of yet.

I just moved to this school in 2006 and was still trying to find my footing in a new space with the kids. However I was that awkward weird girl who was really tall, and was very book smart. I wore glasses, and had a severe case of teenage acne that seemed to unfortunately follow me into adulthood. However there seemed to be this really sweet blue-eyed boy that I found myself looking at more and more as time went on. It was this stereo typical romance scene in a Netflix movie. Awkward nerdy girl, falls for what seemed to be the most "red-neck" boy.

Luke to me was all that and a bag of chips. He was nothing like the boys I was used to. Luke liked baseball as much as I did, he hunted, rode 4-wheelers, played football, and did all the "manly esque" type things. But what sold me was that he had these piercing blue eyes. Like the guy made me melt with the slightest glance in my direction. The worst part was, I was not in the slightest way casual about it. I genuinely liked this guy and he turned me down more times than I could count. So I began to get creative.

I was determined. I wanted this boy to genuinely take me to homecoming. I wanted this football god, to hold my hand and serenade me. We would ride off into the sunset with this Taylor Swift album playing in the background and that was it! Maybe graduate and get married young. Dude. I had it BAD. So after thinking it over I knew the odds were stacked against me. I had no musical instrument experience, and very minimal amounts of friends who could teach me to play guitar over night. Talent show was literally in 3 weeks. So I did what any talented musician does- you fake it till you make it.

After art class one day in passing, I ran into a girl name Cheyenne who was also just as awkward and weird as I was. I casually mentioned that I was planning to enter into the talent show and that I was writing a song. I didn't realize that the next question that came out of her mouth- it determined I was dead set on entering. "What is it about?" Now here I had 2 options. Simply put- lie or tell the truth. But being in good faith I would've thought she would have honestly not told anyone, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Eventually I found myself going over to her house, and we were practicing. Debating on what to wear, whether to have glitter etc. I grew up in a low class household- so I in no capacity had any money to throw into this act. What's even worse? We decided to sing this damn thing like the movie Pitch Perfect. Yep. We went straight acappella on this. I shortly realized I made a mistake! I had no guitar playing abilities what so ever. Clearly I could've backed down at this point and saved my personal image, but no. I was dead set determined that if I actually went through and sang this song that he would've actually turned around. We would've ran out of there a couple after my performance. But more importantly, momma didn't raise a quitter.

Finally the day of the talent show came, and there was a buzz in the air. I was genuinely excited! I'm getting through each period, and I am all dolled up for what it was worth. All the sudden I was in Spanish class, and I heard someone scream out, "Hey Kayla! Is it true? You wrote a love song for Luke?" Shear horror and embarrassment. This girl, the one I trusted my music with she spilled the beans to the entire school. How was I supposed to go through with this? I was absolutely terrified and remember going off on this poor girl 2 sets prior to us going on stage.

"I'm sorry Kayla, I just wanted you to have the best chance of getting with Luke." she stated. I had every chance to back out at that point, and I still proceeded into the show. The most cringy and mocked moment of my life finally came to pass. I was there back stage panicking, pacing. But eventually they called our act and we walked on stage. They announced the name of the song. Does He Like Me? I know so fucking original, don't judge me. I was like 13 at the time.

Eventually the clapping stopped, and all I remember the bright white lights burning into my face. I was sweating, and I kept looking out into the crowd looking for Luke. Eventually the song ended and instead of applause, what erupted was laughter. Just a shear amount of laughter, and I was mortified. Not only was I mortified, but I remember walking off stage and there was Luke in the back of the gym with his face bright red and embarrassed as he could be. I don't know what I was expecting at that point. I was just genuinely hoping I was similar to Taylor Swift after that happened. Instead all that lead to was the next 6 years of mockery.

Luke definitely didn't ask me out, but instead all of his friends would make snarky comments in the hall way. I was just genuinely known as that attention seeking kid. I even would do public speaking events at the school. When it would come to reading something scripted, before I started I always heard, "be careful guys she's about to start singing about Luke." Followed by a sea of snickers, and this happened all the way up to my 10th grade year. I was severely bullied, but as time when on I felt the need to apologize to Luke.

Eventually I reached out to him on Facebook in 2020. Here was the guy that was my crush for the longest time. Happy. Had kids, and a wife, not much had changed other than the fact he wasn't as attractive as I remembered him to be. I remember asking my self, is this worth it? After all this time is this guy going to genuinely even care? We were grown adults and had our own lives- but I did it anyway.

I just messaged him a genuine apology and oddly enough I got a response back. He was really cool about everything and I sort of was able to close a chapter on my life that I was still holding on to. Bullying is one of those things that I think affected a lot of people in high school regardless of where you are at. It's even worse now thanks to social media I feel like. You couldn't pay me enough money to go through high school again. God bless our teachers for putting up with kids and genuinely loving your job.

But now as an adult with kids, I can't wait to share the cringy stories of my past and use them as learning tools. If I could go back and tell my younger self to not do this on any level, I probably would've listened. I may have had a quieter version of school. Eventually though I think I would've encountered some level of bullying. So even then I don't think it would've changed anything.

And to Taylor Swift, if you ever read this. Just know you impacted my life through your music in more ways than you'll ever know. I see you and validate your experiences through bullying. Every feeling and thought you ever had about people making fun of you for writing songs about the boys you loved, I have been there. But I also realized, not everyone is going to like you. I just learned it later on, just like you did. Because of you I learned that your true friends will stick by you. You are a strong, smart, and talented woman despite what others may say.

I say this with full retrospect of the letter I wrote to myself in therapy later on. I had to stop beating myself up for the mistake I made over a music decision that people didn't like. I had to keep pushing forward, I found myself loving music either way, I finally bought a guitar at the age of 28. Better late than never to finally learn, and use it as a therapy tool for healing. Maybe I'll rewrite the song I wrote for Luke and dedicate it to you on my first best selling album. Instead of the original title Does He Like Me? I'll call it- I Don't Need You To Like Me Because at the end of the day I know my self worth, and I definitely don't need a man to like me.

It's called self love babe.

-Kayla