The Eggplant Picture

If you send a picture of your Johnson to someone without them asking for it, your a visual terrorist. Period.

I've been online dating for a couple months now, and I must say that the amount of men willing to send a picture of their tallywhacker without consent is absolutely abominable.

Who the f*ck do you think you are? Dwayne Johnson? Because that's one man who WOULD send a picture of his tool with consent from the sendee.

The first guy that sent me a picture on OkCupid (yeup, like Taylor Tomlinson, I've pretty much given up on love and just throwing my chances to the wind) he was a lawyer. A cute lawyer. And we had been flirting for a few days and I was like 'kay, I get it.'

Not that he was going to get it.

I'm sorry but he was a real weirdo after that. After the picture of his trouser snake, which I would have forgiven, he then proceeded to send in other pictures of himself in a rubber suit and chains being whipped by someone off screen.

...that's just a bit too much for me.

Contestant number two, asked me how my day was. When I responded fine, he said:

"It's about to get better."

And then I got a picture of his kielbasa sausage with a little hat on. A little top hat.

What the f*ck do I do with that?

Why put a hat on it? That is a genuine question, what do you get out of dressing it up like a GI Joe? You don't see women putting lipstick on our vaginas. Although I have heard of women getting some kind of crystal design after a bikini wax. I would consider neither.

Contestant number three...well, we had a nice conversation and then we traded snapchats.

The first picture he sent me was of him laying back and holding his wand in his hand. Quite aggressively.

Why do some men take a hold of their banana like they’re about to yank a carrot out of a garden bed? Doesn’t that hurt? I mean I know it can sometimes look purple but is that because of the blood under the flesh or because you grip it like an out of control fire hose?

I took off my snapchat from my dating profile because when I woke up one day to 15 new messages, I was too nervous to open them because I figured all 15 were various versions of bushwhackers with just slightly different backgrounds.

I thought we’d be past this phase of visual terrorism as a society.

But NOOOOOOO

What do you men think we say when we get an unsolicited shot of their wang?

“Oh golly! He must really like me!”

Nope. You know what we do?

“Ugh, what’s wrong with him? No I mean it, like medically. IS that a scar? Wait is that a rash? OH god that is most definitely not coming anywhere near me.”

When I get a picture of a mans snozberry, normally I just block them.

But someday I’m gonna give some bastard a Freudian level complex about his dick.

Gentlemen, please, STOP sending us pictures of your junk.

IF we don’t ask for it, don’t send it. What makes you think that we want to see that if we don’t even know if we like how you style the hair on top of your head?

Most of the time, it’s not a flattering angle.

Also please stop taking selfies with your phone in your lap. We don’t want to see you from blowjob angle.