The Art of Being Alone

When I first began my college journey I had nerves that crept through my spine up until it ached in my throat. I was out of my comfort zone but I felt a loneliness I wanted to escape from, a sadness, a need for being seen. Perhaps, I didn't realize this until now but my feelings of sadness seeped through and overtook my entire being. I was sad for the way my life wasn't fulfilling me. Unsure of what I wanted from it. Lost, dazed, and confused for most of my life. I didn't know why my feelings would be so harsh sometimes. I felt a nervousness every where I went, scared of the world around me. Mostly scared of relationships with people. I didn't want my heart to break over and over again. That feeling over took the core of my heart and pulled at my heart strings so hard sometimes I felt like I couldn't breathe. Yet, somehow you came a long and swept these fears away.

I masked these feeling with learning how to act in an acting class I had decided to take. I thought maybe if I put myself in a place where I was forced to be I'd get rid of all these feelings and for awhile it worked. I learned to escape them and focus my mind and fantasies in other made-up worlds.

Then, as I became pretty good at the acting, I went to audition for a intimate and serious role as a nun. The first time I saw her, we didn't speak a word to each other, but I noticed her instantly. I wanted her to notice me. She seemed smart, confident, and funny. I tried to focus myself on the play but my attraction for her over took my dreams and she became that dream. I was quieter than her, less sure of myself, at least thats how she portrayed herself to be.

I remember the instant joy I felt when I made her laugh and spoke to her for the first time. It was like a bullet shot me in the chest and I couldn't stop smiling.

Then, as we proceeded to get into a relationship. I was overtaken by the attention she gave me. She made me feel so loved. So seen and heard. It was overwhelming how she made me feel I couldn't find the words to speak. But she did, she spoke for us.

The bond we shared I thought was one that could last a lifetime. Until, it became dark. She didn’t let me speak to anyone except her and her family. She didn’t want me to have friends outside of her own. She controlled my narrative. I thought her utter obsession was love. Until, the very end I didn’t know she was cheating with another person a good amount of the time we were together.

I found out after we had broken up that she was pregnant. It broke me, then I realized as I sit here telling you this. It had infringed a scar in my soul that has left me scared all over again to give my heart to anyone.

I gave my heart away a long time again and I never really got it back. That’s what the relationship with someone can do to you. It’s easy for some to get back up, but for me it took my entire life to get back up again.

Still when someone smiles at me I smile back, but fear strikes me.

I’ve learned to love myself and being alone. Before I didn’t like being alone. Now, I feel a warmth within me when I’m able to have some time to myself, an unexplainable peacefulness.