The 12 Ways to Cope When Caught Cheating

Helping cheaters avoid the ramifications of their cheating is what r/adultery is all about. This is how we get labeled “evil.” This is why we have trolls hounding us. This is why we are the lowest of the low — but the information below is indeed necessary in this vile world of adultery.

1. Figure out what kind of affair you are having.

This is probably the most crucial step. Are you having an exit affair? A mid-life crisis affair? Are you polyamorous? Are you broken? Did you meet your soul mate? Figure it out. Because understanding what kind of relationship you are having helps map what you should do next. This is much harder than you think. Usually, it’s a sick combination of different needs and vices that make no sense.

2. Silence and listening are your friends.

You just got confronted by your spouse. You could DENY, DENY, DENY, and panic…or you could listen. You need to understand how much information they have and where they got it from. Most cheaters panic and deny and then start confessing bit by bit. Don’t do this. It’s normal to not be able to think on your feet. It may help to do a practice interrogation like cops use in front of a mirror. Look at your facial expressions. Think before you speak.

3. Are you coming or going?

This is a big one, and not to be taken lightly. If you are staying…you need to start working on reconciliation. Like right now. If you are going…GO. Don’t be the asshole who drags their feet, trying to figure out which grass is greener. Both are tough. Both are filled with remorse, and neither are sure bets. Just make a choice and stick with it.

4. Delete. Everything.

Chances are your spouse has enough information to hang you. Don’t give them more. All texts, trinkets, love notes, sex tapes…I don’t care. GET RID OF IT. Why? Because unless you have a kink for listening to your spouse read in detail your sex acts with another…They love this stuff on the infidelity boards. They obsess over every single detail and will beat you over the head with it over and over again. Change every password, delete every account no matter what. It’s done. You have your memories.

5. Get an STI test.

Not when you get caught…but now. The whole “you are risking my health argument” has merit. Nip it in the bud. You care about your spouse, wear condoms, and get regularly tested. A clean bill of health goes a long way to shutting down that conversation. This is common sense. It doesn’t mitigate the betrayal, but at least you are an adult about it.

6. Go to individual counseling as well as marriage counseling.

But only if you genuinely want to reconcile. If you don’t, don’t waste anyone’s time. Individual counseling is your chance to mourn the relationship that just ended. Don’t say stupid shit in marriage counseling about how much you miss the affair partner and how your lover completes you. Individual counseling is for that crap. Marriage counseling is for figuring out how you ended up in an affair in the first place. Don’t pretend. Be present and be truthful without being hurtful.

7. Don’t blame your spouse for your affair.

I know — the affair is the symptom of other problems. But the choice to have one rests on you. Accept that. Embrace that. Put on your adult pants and deal. You didn’t murder someone; you had sex with someone. You fail in morality, but not as a human. You hurt another person and have some hard work to repair trust and faith in you. This takes time. Nothing gets solved quickly — the road is bumpy.

8. Disclosure is actually your friend.

The scorned spouse loves to disclose because they assume everyone will be on their side. Let me be very clear about this…lots of people cheat. Your mom is pissed off at you, but guess what, she is still your mom. Scorned spouses who want to disclose to everyone are looking to hurt you. And any scorned spouse who reveals your dirty laundry to kids under fifteen should be shown the door and never seen again.

9. No communication means no communication.

Unless you are willing to leave your spouse for this person…it’s over! This cuts deep. It’s agonizing. Like heroin withdrawal, but necessary to get clean and start over.

10. How to handle your affair partner.

This is the biggest one. You should be a better person and make sure your lover knows you are going the no communication route if this is your choice. You should sit down and write your former lover a letter and provide closure. Be respectful. You were intimate.

11. Don’t blame your affair partner for your actions.

You didn’t accidentally get laid; you loved every minute of it. You will need to examine your moral code, but life goes on. It will be miserable for a while because of your poor impulse control. And it will probably get better with the above list. Patience with yourself and your partners (former and current) is necessary.

12. And, finally: Don’t lose yourself.

You are a person. You are an adulterer, but not an ax-murderer.

Like the tag line for The Scarlett Letter: We are terrible and human. You are too.