That one time I peed myself
it happens to everyone... right?
When was the last time you peed yourself? Like, full on, wet your pants?
Perhaps you were a child. It was a long road trip, your Sprite was working overtime, and you just couldn't hold it any longer. Or maybe you were sleeping, dreaming about a waterfall. Totally innocuous.
Or maybe you're a woman, and you've had a baby, and you recently coughed or sneezed. You birthed a human being. Your body is irreversably changed. No shame in that.
I, too, have birthed a human being, but this is not one of those stories of "oops I sneezed; my pevlic floor, she ain't what she used to be."
This is a full on, peed myself in public, had to do the walk of shame without the fun sex story to go along with it.
I blame my mother.
She's an RN. When we were kids, she would take my brother and I with her when she donated blood. We'd wait around for her, ask to drink the juice and eat the cookies provided, watch as Mom reclined and squeezed that little red ball, all to save some stranger's life.
She was a hero.
Ever since, I'd always wanted to do the same thing.
I was twenty-two. I would have donated earlier, but I've always been a slight person and my weight wasn't high enough to contribute. But at twenty-two, I was finally ready. They wouldn't be turning me down.
I drove to the next town over to make my appointment, giddily filled out all the forms and waited in the lines. I was a big girl, watching them put the needle in, smiling as I got to squeeze a familiar red ball while someday, perhaps, saving a stranger's life.
I sat and waited, happy to do my part for the community, feeling great, texting Mom about how I was finally donating blood just like she does! She kept me company, texting back and forth, as moms ought to do.
The machine beeped, indicating that it was over, that I'd done it, that they had enough of me to help someone else.
The nurse across the way looked up, still busy helping someone else, and nodded that he'd be with me in a minute.
The machine beeped again. He was still busy. I was patient. It was all good.
The machine beeped a third time. He looked over at me... and his eyebrows shot up.
That was the last thing I remember before passing out.
Have you ever seen this movie called Waking Life? It's a weird movie. I recommend watching it on mushrooms. Basically, I inhabited that movie. There's a specific scene where a guy is driving a boat that is also a car, talking about dreams. I hung out with him for a while, in my DMT-trip-esque adventure in unconscious-land, where I'm pretty sure my body thought I was dying.
After some time, there was a loud noise in my ears, like I was standing beneath a waterfall, and everything shook as if there was an earthquake.
My eyes snapped open.
Four nurses hovering around all exhaled a collective sigh of relief. They'd been minutes away from calling an ambulance. I looked around, uncertain of where I was, what I was doing. They told me I'd passed out and had a seizure. Neato.
They handed me a juice box and told me to contact a friend to come pick me up. Shakily, I reached for my phone that had been tucked in between my legs. Odd... it was wet. Like, really wet. Was I that sweaty? I did feel quite warm.
Then, they brought out the mop to clean up the giant puddle of pee beneath my seat.
I'd pissed my damn pants.
Apparently I have what is called a vasovagal reflex. My body had felt all the blood rushing out of my system, assumed I was about to die, and promptly shut that shit down. When your body shuts down, it also evacuates your bladder.
After drinking my juice box and recovering, my fiance came to pick me up. I was given a little red pin to thank me for my contribution. They didn't give me a little yellow pin for my other contribution. I asked. And then, the blood donation people politely asked me to never donate blood again.
We went out to celebrate and got burgers, with my peed pants and all. Even though I'd pissed myself, I was still a hero, and heros get french fries.
Just because I peed myself, that doesn't mean you will! Even if you do, peeing your pants is a small price to pay for saving someone's life. If you're in Canada, you can visit this website to get started on your blood donation journey. Just learn from my mistake and go to the bathroom before you get started.