Th[anxiety] Giving Problems:

This is a PSA that a lot of families are really toxic and attending a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner should not be mandatory just to save face.

The holiday season always gives me anxiety every year.

I long for the days in the future when I have my own home and can host my own Thanksgiving the way I imagine it to be. Sans toxic relatives and monotonous conversations that are riddled with negativity.

I have always hated attending homes that were filled with very unhealed people - and I mostly mean my own family. But unfortunately a lot of people have this happen because their older family members are very toxic and do not talk about such things as abuse or improper behaviors.

Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by HORRIBLE HOLIDAY CONVERSATIONS that you had to smirk and uncomfortably sit through because there was literally no escaping it.

I thought so.

You know, those conversations about how lefty and outrageous the young people are these days for doing crazy things like "accepting one another" and "expressing their boundaries".

You turn to the left and your families' friend is ranting about the Karen at work who gossips and is a total nuisance (spoiler, they are actually the Karen and are actively gossiping right now).

You turn to the right and your uncle is piss drunk, slurring the same dumb stories he has told a million times about how cool he was when he was younger and how guys now a days are so "insert horrible language/term" because they don't do "manly things" like they used to.

You see across the room how your grandfather is talking about WEATHER. Weather. Its supposed to get colder now...

Your grandmother is loud and proud about her hip replacement and how she needs to be on rest for at least another 6 to 8 weeks, though the doctor said how AMAZING she was getting through the surgery. How she will probably be able to do walks now around the block and everything. AND everything.

You see your younger cousins doing Tiktok dances to their propped up phone on the fireplace, while another creepy family friend watches and tries to chime in with crude remarks.

NOBODY asks how you are or what you are doing in your life like they actually care. Your Aunt Penny wants to know who you are dating and if you have a job. Not actually ABOUT those things.

Or worse, you are married and everyone asks you when you are going to get pregnant. Even worse, you are married with kids and they are telling you that you must be DONE because having kids is so exhausting and they bet you "can't wait til the kids go back to school".

There is always a crying small dog that bites out of blind rage. Always. And it looks like it has never been brushed or bathed. OR it is combed out with a bow and ridiculous fresh grooming, making it look like a show dog. And your Aunt's are all wealthy snobs that have fake friends, are part of the PTA, plus cannot actually stand their marriages.

The list goes on. A lot of stereotypes, but also a lot of truth.

All these people get together each year maybe 3 or 4 times to do a little face time in real time, where they act like they are in a school play. Everything is planned out, scripted, and costumed. Nothing feels real.

This is NOT everyone's family. But it happens more than you might realize. So be thankful if your holiday season is filled with peace, love, and honest conversations that are NOT homophobic, crude, or flaky. Seriously - cherish those family members who are REAL.

I have always gotten anxiety from these bad interactions. In fact, I have been the girl who is uncomfortably sitting in the middle of it all going down. Just sipping tiny little sips of ginger ale from a luke-warm can while I try to not make eye contact with anyone and stare sort of down into my plate or the table cloth pattern.

What a cute little plaid pattern.. with flecks of gold threading.. probably from Marshalls in my favorite little area of holiday decor. Let me just count the rows of green, red, and black... how the plaid overlaps and then gets highlighted by the gold...

Until I can anxiously get up to go to the bathroom for the 6th time to check my eye makeup, take deep breaths, and flush the toilet so people think I was actually peeing.

I felt self-conscious for a really long time about my social anxiety, especially when others pointed out that I was "quiet" or "serious". So often focused on my own role and attitude, but never examining what triggers I was experiencing and where it all stemmed from.

Now that I really think about it, I can put my finger on what was wrong in these occasions. I hate being in social situations that are CURATED.

Coming from an abusive and narcissistic home growing up, I was used to EXTREMES in the other direction. Excessive alcohol, screaming, something being broken, and even the tree coming down.

But these types of Th-anxiety... This felt unsafe too.

The thing is, people who are not honest scare me.

When people sit around and do not really TALK, it feels really OFF. Unnatural. Weird.

I wait eagerly to hear someone talking about their passions and goals. I wait for someone to genuinely ask another person how work is going and engage about the honesty of the situation. Whether GOOD or BAD, I expect genuine engagement between two people. So even if the job is tough, they talk about it. And it reaches a positive note even of suggestions or helpful resources for the person who hates their job. Because who wants a person to hate their job and not offer solutions?

I wait around for someone to say "and then I finally came out as pansexual. Now I am happy as ever and glad I am dating whom I want to." To which the other person says something supportive.

JEEEEEEZZZZ I am waiting for someone to turn to the creepy family friend and say - "THOSE are MINORS and you are acting inappropriately so please leave."

I am waiting to see the day when family members share how they realized they were wrong, hurt, traumatized, or triggered and talk about it. Whether it is a random Tuesday or on Thanksgiving. Because the family is so loving and open, any day is a day for talking about feelings and personal growth.

When I go out to someone's home and celebrate a thing I am hoping for the energy to feel honest and vulnerable. Like everybody knows that the other has gone through some real rough crap and is totally accepting of it.

I am so sensitive to the energies, feelings, and the unspoken emotions that people HOLD BACK. So while people think they are masking very well, I know some other relatives in the room are secretly thinking about their own shame and feelings of low self-worth. I know some of them are putting on a face to save the day instead of really coming out authentically with how their life is going.

But after all I have seen and been through in my 31 years on this earth, what I really wish for everyone is the gift of healing.

To be able to see, feel, and heal through their traumas.

All we really have in this world are these little moments together.

All I think about when picturing hosting holidays and special occasions in the future is giving everyone the feeling of safety and belonging.

I want no one to feel like they have to escape with an excuse or hide in my bathroom riddled with anxiety.

I want no one to feel excluded or discriminated against by dumb and inappropriate banter coming from a relative or invited guest.

I never want anyone to feel like they have to put on a brave or fake face just to be around me.

So I look forward to the future holidays I host when I can make everyone feel welcome.

Until then, I am choosing to honor my boundaries and energy by not putting myself in social situations just to save face. It is what feels best for me personally and I am going to work on raising my kids to feel like they are able to be themselves always. Even if that means not always making appearances or staying the full length at an event because it does not make them feel comfortable or safe.

I know I am just one person with this perspective, but I no longer shame myself for being "anti-social" around situations or people. Instead, I examine and process the details of the situation to then make the best-informed decision for myself.