Sweet Addiction

It has been a week now since I cannot write a whole sentence without being blocked.

It is not because I have no ideas. I have plenty of them. The real problem is that they are mixed in my head, like strips of spaghetti twisted altogether in a tiny bowl. Under this circumstance, it is almost impossible to take one without messing up the other strips.

Yesterday, I did not want to mess up the neurons of my tiny brain whatsoever. I just took a bar of chocolate, stopped writing, and started to eat my favorite food.

While I was eating, I was also thinking about my slight addiction to chocolate.

Well, I do not eat chocolate every day, I just eat it when I am nervous.

Funny enough. But it seems like these days I eat chocolate more often because being nervous has become quite a part of my life.

Pressure to have a new job, pressure to get good results, pressure to have money… too much pressure on me. And now, another one starts to crush me: the pressure to write something great.

When English is not your mother tongue, like in my case, it is even more difficult to write SOMETHING GREAT than if it were your first language.

I may have the ideas, the rhythm, and the moment M has come to initiate my crappy story, and that’s when the internal battle between languages chooses to start over: whenever I have English words, I have another structure in my head, and when the English structure is like a flow, I forget most words.

If you are an English native writer and you only produce in this language, maybe you haven’t experienced this difficulty. Believe me, it is a very serious problem.

When you cannot write because of the lack of signs to express your ideas, it makes you feel furious, because you see and feel the power of your text and then you are blocked by another power, which is unfortunately yours. It is like seeing a part of you oppressing the other, and you cannot do anything to resolve this problematic situation.

Languages are not a unique barrier, and sometimes they may even be a tool for creativity. By the way, everyone is blocked sometimes, and the reasons may be different from one person to the other.

In my case, it is the overwhelming of ideas.

Some days I hear many voices and noises in my head and cannot even select one single sentence because they all want to rush out at the same time.

They are likely to trample fiercely on one another, and finally got outside crippled, and, if not dead, agonized. Therefore, I want to grab one of them and leave the others in their cage.

But it is not that easy, I feel the meaning, but I cannot express it. It is trapped by the others.

I breathe first, but that is not sufficient. I need to do something else: get close to my chocolate closet.

Whenever I see a bar of chocolate, I transit to another place where I enjoyed the complex texture, smell, and taste of brown chocolate, which is just like my fucking crane.

Funny enough to forget I couldn’t eat sweets…. Whenever I start to eat chocolate, I can eat it all day long.

Now my iron is low, and I am anemic, maybe I must focus on pure chocolate…

“Well, that’s not enough!” said the doctor.

I need to eat more vegetables and fruits, instead of just swallowing a vitamin pill after filling up my belly with junk food and sugar. But when I am pecking at the delicious chocolate, there is no space for this kind of reasoning.

Besides my thought is getting clearer, and my nerves are just steady, once my eyes are visualizing a stunning chocolate of any type and texture, just the simple word, chocolate.

Maybe I must take some major decisions, like not bringing chocolate home, and putting fruits everywhere.

Well, I don’t know if I programmed my brain like this, but there is no other thing that fosters my creativity more than a bar of chocolate.

Now I am exploring new ways to stimulate my creativity, I finish up my ultimate bar of chocolate, hoping that one day I may overcome my sweet addiction.