Summertime Sadness

It is certainly confusing being me sometimes. Lately, I feel as if I have just literally blown sh*t up. While I have been sort of, grieving over summer being over, essentially... I had a lot of trouble even when the weather had suddenly changed. You see, I adore the spring-time. Here, in New York, I feel like the longer I've been on this earth the shorter, and more irrelevant the spring-time air has become. I love fall, again, I love and appreciate that we have seasons... but it's something about the change that gets me...

It's sort of interesting that I mention that, change. Today, I let my relationship go, it's dead. Personally, I have felt dead for a long time. To him, it may have come as a shock. Not to me, I was tired of pretending.

I can no longer be a people pleaser...and I thought I was pleasing myself, though - too, don't get me wrong. In reality, I know I was playing it safe and no future was ever to come of this. He would never want to be in my life the way I would like a partner to do so. At this point in the game, I want a partner. Not a food buddy, not a sex toy. A real ride or die, a partner. 50/50... and when I am little out of it... understand that they will need to pull-up the 80-percent for me. It's not that I need or WANT anyone to "complete me," that's asinine. What I'd like to start with is at least someone that is looking in the same direction as I am.

A commitment, maybe not marriage - but something more than maybe I'll see you for dinner at your house like a time or two this week. I'm not looking for someone to go out with all the time - I just do not want to feel alone anymore. Like, I have to play this game that my house or my body has to be a certain way to be loved. That I am constantly worried if I fight with him he'll just go back to his other ex-girlfriend and ghost me forever. Still, that I have to keep his favorite ice cream in the house when he can't even think of me to let me know - well, anything, about his day-to-day. Somehow, I know all this is wrong and I still kept as quiet as I could. Someone who didn't appreciate me then, while some things had changed for the better - it wasn't what I thought.

I haven't felt myself, I think, since all of this was repurposed. At first, I thought I was happy. That I had made this decision, event though I knew he didn't ever want to marry me (perhaps, anyone, who knows) or commit to even living together.

The last time we had been together was very tumultuous - there were times I'd rather not recount and we were both not proud of. The way we spoke to one another was vile. I knew it wasn't normal to treat anyone that way - but the way he constantly rejected me in every way possible was so damaging to me - it is actually something I still haven't recovered from. When we finally did break-up, it was only because his ex who was in a relationship with a woman for ten years decided to hit him up. He was literally sitting at her table with her family for Thanksgiving the very next day. Didn't speak to me for months, until I accosted him at his job because the silence was deafening. I didn't think it was fair to leave me hanging that way. It was cruel. There's a lot more to that but when he was able to recount a lot of their relived relationship to me in the months after - I reeled from it. It exposed the superficially covered wound and rubbed salt in it so deeply - I hadn't really realized I was still angry about it - until now.

On one hand, that person did us a favor. In retrospect, even though at the time I fell into such a deep depression - while the break-up was a major part of it - but not in the ways that one would normally think. I was almost to the point where I was suicidal again - coming out the other end of it I believe it did us both some good. She broke the cycle. It was a terrible trauma bond we had, we kept having terrible fights and missing each other and starting the hamster-wheel all over again. It was just what he did after it that was very wrong. Also, very telling (as if I didn't already know) how little he respected me. How little he really and truly cared for me in the way I needed - I do not think it's exclusive to me at all. But, all wrapped up in my ego-burrito, im not about looking at the grande scheme of things... I'm all about me...

This is a bit complicated, and I realize I am being vague or that I probably don't even make sense. Yes, I know, we have established that am not good at expressing myself. It's also been hard to deny that I have been repressed during this whole relationship. It's hard to gather my thoughts about this but - it really was the right thing to do. I've been crying a bit about it today as I have to grieve this as well. For the last time, I'm letting him go. It is not his fault, exactly, it's really me. It really isn't him, it's me.

This time around, it wasn't full of drama, although I definitely exploded at the end. I don't even want to look back at that negatively - though I'm not too happy the way I handled myself- or anything, lately, to be perfectly honest. I'm doing the best I can I was keeping low for the status-quo, trying to be calm. I was a liar. I was lying to myself and I started to hate myself for it. I was the anthesis of my own beliefs. I was living a lie. It's not to say I will be better off or not with or without him. I wish him the best and it really is hard to let go but - this is best for me.

I am the other woman.