Some Moments

It had taken her more than 12 weeks or about 3 months to realize she was pregnant. She kept bleeding on her periods. Honestly, it was just supposed to be a routine pregnancy test at the doctor. She was eating less, vomiting often, tired literally all the time and had passed out 3 times in about 2 months. Once at home, once after swimming, once at work. She was with company each of these times. She had made an appointment with her doctor and found out she was pregnant. The Doctor practically had to pick her up off the floor again, but this time Sawyer was conscious. The sickly sweet smell of the hospital floor and the aseptic lighting made everything feel very unreal, as though suddenly she were underwater. She remembered being so nervous on the way home… will Liam be okay with it, will he want a baby, does she even want a baby? That final question made her imagine baby curls or green eyes on an infant, and she felt something stirring within her already… of course it wasn’t actually the baby moving, but it was the baby moving her.

She imagined tiny fingers and fingernails… an umbilical cord absorbing what she alone would be able to provide. It was so unfamiliar that for 45 minutes in the doctor's office parking lot she looked up exactly where her baby was on her phone. About the size of a lemon with newly developed vocal cords and eyeballs-closed, but eyeballs, she was attached to her little zero (she started calling her baby zero in that short time after the ghost dog of the nightmare before Christmas—Jack and Sally’s dog).

Sawyer’s attachment to this thing that she had known about for less than 2 hours scared her. She loved it… it took her over 7 years to fall in love with the man she now shared a home with and had known her mother for 16 years before she left and never fully loved her. She was never fully loved in that time. How peculiar and surprising the world is. This divergence of rules and logic made Sawyer even less sure about what her love would say. Sawyer felt she knew positively what he would say but she stopped that sentence at the period in her head because she did her damndest to not use her peculiar talents on those she was most intimate with… if he couldn’t she shouldn’t and if she did then she owed him a completely uncensored train of thought. While total authenticity is amazing, an uncensored train of thought with no time to think, sort, or learn did not really behoove anyone.

Would they be too young? Would he be unsure? Were there other priorities to attain before he wanted a little Zero for himself? He was 22, so there may be more of the world for him to experience, or more seeds for him so sow? She cried for about 10 minutes and then fear or adrenaline stopped those tears as quickly as they started. Just about every scientific fact would disagree but she felt the second heartbeat, she became aware of another presence within herself that created something vast and large as the Rocky Mountains she had grown up next to.

She had an hour drive home then about an hour and a half to two hours before Liam got home. Normally she kind of hated baths, but when she peed, she looked at the tub and it was as though she were looking at a bacon egg, cheddar and cream cheese bagel covered with hollandaise sauce (an invention she had been eating for about 6-7 weeks now). Sawyer NEEDED a bath… with bubbles and lavender, and tea “Oh my god,” she thought I’ve been drinking coffee maybe two- three times a week during this pregnancy, how could I be so stupid as to not ask my doctor? It was her classic mother-judgmental voice. The knee jerk reaction of all the judgment she had received her whole life. The voice that told Sawyer she was wrong, never good enough, too smart, too stupid, too trusting, too vicious that whispered these things and echoed her every action. She started a hot bath and attempted to find an old bottle of milk bath and lavender oil. As the tub filled up, she looked at her body in the mirror.

Her boobs were somehow spilling out of her 34 D cups and now that the doctor had revealed the pregnancy, quite tender. Her stomach actually did seem to protrude a bit around the hips- always naturally curvy, it wasn’t really on her radar. She put her arms around it and again, she knew she FELT something alive. Science doesn’t know everything. Sawyer would never be arrogant enough to say sheunderstand or knew 100% of things within this universe. She did not trust anyone with this knowledge either, so she remained open. Sawyer knew she had a little zero in her. She looked at the roots of her hair that had been dyed a rose pink six months ago and realized that her blonde roots had grown out about twice as long and thick and shiny as normal. Suddenly she saw herself as a glowing momma. And sometimes when these shifts happen, there is only moving forward. Some things will change absolutely everything.

That night, when Liam got home, she was actually asleep on the couch in giant sweats, a bun in her rapidly growing hair and an old “Denver Broncos” t-shirt of his. However, their 18-month old kitten was asleep on her stomach and purring. The cat had only started to do this within the last month or two. Now Sawyer knew why. She knew. Elsie KNEW that mom was a mom now. She knew something was happening.

“ Hiiii honey bunny!” Liam said while slamming the door closed. “Whatcha watching?” He said as he moved over to the extra large and extra comfortable bean bag and leaned down to kiss her. “Wow, she’s really been purring and loving on you huh? You know, I wasn't sure if a Feral cat would ever form an attachment…” he kissed Sawyer cheek again and she looked into very large, very green eyes and felt her “stomach” jump. He pet the cat’s head “but damn have you made an impression on her! She’s loving snuggling you!” He chortled as did she while her eyes filled with tears and she kind of wanted to cry her eyes out.

“Yes, love, I think she knows that we are all family here.” she beamed. She said it and meant it matter of factorily but also meant that there would be a “future family” but of course, she could not expect him to know what she was talking about.

“Think about what you want for dinner-“ her mouth watered at her instantaneous image of food “-and i’m gonna go shower, honey bunny” he kissed again, “ I love you sawweddee”

“ I love you too, baby” she looked down and Elsie was still laying on her stomach. She was a silver grey tabby with yellow eyes and large black patches including a large portion of her animalistic face. She gave the appearance of a jungle cat, a survivor, a fighter. Sometimes Sawyer saw Elsie’s face when she looked in the mirror.

For the next two months, they were in complete bliss. Liam, true to form, had been a perfect protector and provider. He made Sawyer food if she was too tired to stand. And one day, sitting at the park while she nibbled a soft pretzel, he gave her what appeared to be a very old, very beautiful emerald and diamond ring. He pledged to her that he would marry her someday and that their child would be loved. More loved than she ever was. He took Sawyer to her ultrasounds and they heard a tiny little heartbeat. They both called him Zero. She took her vitamins and drank herbal tea. Mr. Wagner was so supportive he gave Sawyer more desk work, less of the stressful reads, but unfortunately, there were times that called for her peculiar capabilities.

In a blissful night of deep and dark sleep, Sawyer started awake. Something was wrong. She clutched her belly as it ached and cramped. She tried her best to toss and turn herself to sleep but every position felt deep and pressure filled. When she got up she tried to make some herbal tea for her little Zero and relax back to sleep. The water started to bubble slowly, and she felt all of a sudden as though she were in a dream, lightheaded and then a deep cramp filled her, it shocked her from her neck down to her knees and she looked to the floor and saw horror. Blood. A few drops turned into more too quickly. She went to wake Liam from his peaceful sleep, feeling guilty for whatever was about to happen.

Stunned silence practically shook the bright hospital room. After the doctors had left it was like everything had died. The light was too bright and the air was choking. she couldn’t bear to look at Liam and she was sure that Liam couldn’t look at her. The tiny life was gone now. The little flame that had lived in her belly was out. There was nothing left to speak of. it would be days before the bump in her abdomen was decreased. Sawyer had lost her family… it was gone.

When they took him, it was the first day of spring. She held him because they told her to, Liam also held him because they told him to. They signed a certificate of still-birth, but it didn’t mean anything. The world was about to burst with beautiful flowers and trees, but her life force waned.

The next two months were filled with silences between Liam and herself. Silence and anger, actually. Squabbles broke out over breakfast, dishes, complaints about showers and an utter dissatisfaction between the two of them. Their loss was palpable at every turn. She had started to go to work before he woke up and stayed late. Very late. And on occasion, even slept at the office. Her belly had gone flat. Flatter than it had been in years because of her complete loss of appetite and the general feeling of sickness that plagued her, even in her disturbed sleep.

After what could be construed as a “working bender”-she spent 3 nights at work with a bottle of bourbon, then came home at noon to catch up on sleep, though she knew it was hopeless. Really, she knew she needed to go home and check in, take a shower, and get some rest. When she walked in, Liam was lounging on the small couch, a disturbed look on his face.

“Nice to finally see you.” He said it so sarcastically, her instinct was to run head long at him, but she didn’t. it was her nurture and not her choice.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, this case is pretty big for us, she had a lot of statements and people to interview along with video to review, and this guy-“

“-Yeah, I know, it was complicated and you saw something and did something AMAZING,” his voice dripped acid around the word, “You saved the whole world at a secretary’s salary…” it was unappealing to her ; he had told her that those were things he loved about her. So, for the next few hours, they fought. They fought until she was dizzy and until she had expressed her indignation about his lack of respect for her work and her job. Honestly, she even insulted his steady-paying, benefit-having kitchen job. Sawyer really believed forever that Liam did good and admirable work. In her anger about his distance the last few months, she was angry about how he condescended her work, she was angry that he had taken what she felt was special about her and turned it into something that was “strangling the relationship” (that quote came up from her argument from Liam). However, in his defense, she may have expressed something like, “didn’t you pay all that money for college to do journalism?”

No, none of this sounds great and seems to represent a very toxic relationship, but Sawyer would have interjected to state that these moments are not what she remembered when looking back. What she did remember was him waiting outside her bedroom window and guiding her out, down the side of the house when she had a black eye or sore arms.

What Sawyer always remembered in sixth grade when she told Bobby Williams she wanted to go to the valentine’s dance with him through a note and then he accepted! On the day of the dance, he handed her a note in her tech class ( they built constructions that were made of popsicle sticks to withstand weight and hers was the WORST) the note that Bobby handed her had a heart next to her name and when she opened it, stated that he, “would not be able to attend the dance with her as he has other plans”. She was crushed. Math class came next in her schedule. Sawyer couldn’t stop crying. She had lit the note on fire in the girl’s restroom and tried to push the ash forcefully through the sink drain, but that didn’t stop her tears. She had a test in what was called “pre-algebra” and although she had got a 98% on her test, it was covered in streaky tear stains. After she turned in her test, she got a note that told her she was wanted in the office.

Sawyer slowly made her way to the door of the classroom with the small pink slip, wondering what She had possibly done to visit the principal's office. Okay, so, yes, she had left tech class in the middle of Bobby’s demo, but she came back before the end of class. That couldn’t be a violation. Her math class was within the same hall as the offices, so she walked slowly and strategically. Had Mrs. Tengler told them that her test was tear stained? As she approached, she saw Liam there waiting for her. He was two years older, so he had the option or privilege of being an “office aide”. An “office aide” was more of a free period to study until you had to deliver one of these pink carbon-copy slips that she now held in her hand. it looked great on transcripts when you got to high school for those who had “ambition”. She did have many ambitions, but her mother always reminded her that she never met anyone that had Sawyer’s intelligence that did any good with it, so it was probably best to ignore her ambitions for fear of dominating the world. Or so she believed at 11 years old.

As her mother's words and Bobby’s letter flipped around her head, she saw Liam waiting in the trophy hallway outside the main office kicking his toes into the carpet and casting his eyes down. she just kept walking, his presence, even then, even before she knew she loved him made her feel safe. He knew what her life REALLY was. inside and outside of school. To be honest, a lot of her embarrassing moments had happened in front of him and he had been privy to her breakdowns in a way that literally nobody else had been. As the boy who lived a few houses down, they became natural friends as he was quiet, but confident and incredibly smart. they could spend hours debating different beliefs and views and books until the sun came up and they would start all over. At that moment, she realized that she had a best friend named Liam.

These memories are what she remembered still, but in that moment, and in that fight, she felt she needed to let go. She had let go of her tiny baby and felt such intense guilt over failing to take care of and protect her family. After about an hour of viscous snapping and occasional yelling, Liam blurred out words that could not be taken back

“You kept doing your horrible stressful job, you NEVER stopped to take care of our child, YOU lost the baby just you” Silence. After the hours of fighting the silence made the apartment seem vast and the space between them seemed infinite. Hot tears quietly ran down her face, soaking her pale cheeks, occasionally dripping onto her lips. It was several minutes where they just looked at each other. His green eyes leaked an occasional tear. Sawyer realized that he will have always said that. There were no take backs, he will have never not said it to her. The future she had in mind disappeared. It was so strange, she had always expected him to be there and always expected to be there for him. AFter that, all she could say in a watery manner,

“I’m-I’m so so s-sorry,” a deep breath in, “i-i know i- i know i failed-failed our family” she choked and sobbed around the word, “but i think it’s best if i leave, now that i know how you f-feel.” His eyes widened and his eyebrows wrinkled. He wiped tears from under his eyes, realizing what she was saying to him. He exhaled.

“I didn’t…” he trailed off, his voice sounding weak and child-like and he started over, “I don’t want you to leave. I’m-“

“-Sorry?” She interjected. “I’m sorry too. YOu’ll never know how much.” She tried to cross the vast space between them to touch his face and his hair. With her left hand, she saw the emerald next to his green eyes. He hugged her and she hugged back. The tears had stopped, maybe she was out, but she felt like she was shocked more than anything.

“I’ll always love you,” he whispered

“You too,” she choked out pathetically. For a moment, they just stared at each other. “I’ll stay at work for a while… do you want the apartment?” She felt ridiculous asking such pragmatic questions at a time when her heart and her soul was absolutely shattered.

“No, I can’t imagine opening the door without you here…” his left eye leaked a little bit “please, don’t you think we will work this out?” There was an infinitesimal shake of her head. Sawyer went to the cupboard and pulled out their stash of cigarettes that had been getting used more and more over the last few months and gestured outside with him. They stuck their feet through the bars of the railing and sat in silence.

“Maybe we should hold onto the apartment? It’s just been so hard, I’m so sorry,” he choked and sniffled through the statement, but something was broken between them. Sawyer felt that it would never possibly be recovered and it would be cruel and torturous to both of them to drag it out.

“I know you love me. I love you too… but it’s too much… too hard…” what she wanted to say is the space between them had grown so big she didnt’ know if she could find her way back. That what he had said about failing the family, had changed him to her, that she had changed, that a piece of herself had died with little Zero, that she was missing the times before when they weren’t so worried. She couldn’t manage saying any of that to him so she smoked in silence. A twisting rolling cloud of smoke configured and reconfigured and then disappeared somewhere.

They had configured and reconfigured, but unfortunately, there were some things that would change absolutely everything.