Small lessons

I liked you.

They say you should go after you want and I did that. I told Ally I liked her. She was a junior with short curly black hair that shaped her round glowing face perfectly. She always wore loose clothes that did not necessarily hang on her in a way that most girls wore in my class, but made me notice her cute style. I was attracted to her because she seemed different.

I don't know if it was all the TV shows or Wattpad stories I had engorged into my brain from countless boring summers, but I wanted to know more about her. I wanted to know what she liked and what she thought about. She was so mysterious to me. When I invited her to sit with my friend and me, she was so quiet and closed off, and one thing about me. I like mysteries. I liked people who were quiet and didn't want to be the loudest in the room. I glanced at her once again across the locker room as she wiped off the sweat from gym class. Yes, not the most appealing view but I loved looking at her.

As she began to go to her locker I quickly approached. I took a big gasp of air and I looked into her almond eyes. Then my eyes shifted to her lips and my first thought was wow. I usually don't stare at people when I'm nervous but she was so gorgeous.” Hey Ally, let me get your number. “ I said trying to be casual. I pulled out my phone and dropped my gaze. “Ok,” she said very blandly.

I looked at her beautiful round cheeks with my heart racing and my face filled with a smile that I tried to contain. She put her number into my phone with the name Ally. I stared at her number until I got to my next class. I ran to my friend with excitement. Her eyes widened as I got closer, ready to hear the tea. “ She gave me her number, omg,” I said. She looked at the contact I had for Ally plastered on my phone still. We sat down into the next class together and talked about how amazing me and Ally would be together.

As the day ended my lovely companion anxiety kicked in. This particular day my anxiety wanted to contemplate if Ally was even interested in dating the same sex, if I was too young for her, or if she could even like me that way. I panicked instantly as my heart guided me to her phone number. You'll never know until you try right? That is what my mind convinced me before I sent my initial texts.

We all know that moment. When you shoot the text and throw the phone across the room. Just to, a few seconds later, run to the phone as soon as that ding pops up. Well, that's what I did. The blue bubble popped up on my phone in blatant words. I read “You are nice and so cute, but I'm Demisexual. I would rather get to know you more first.” Demisexual is someone who feels sexually attracted to someone after getting to know them. I reread that message until I could remember it. It was a little bit longer but for the most part, this is what she said. Now, looking back this wasn't a rejection, kind of, I don't know. At Least she thought I was cute.

Let me let you all know what led to a devastated Jonae.

So, we texted over a few days. Luckily, I chose to make this initiative a week before Gym class and the school year ended. I rushed things... I can admit that. I made myself seem like the biggest loser. I asked her to be my girlfriend after less than a week of texting, not dating, or anything. After her response, I walked with my head down low to the bathroom and cried. Not because I was heavily surprised, but because I imagined her and I dating and that thought was destroyed with one disappointing text.

Sadly, we never talked after that. I didn't know how to continue conversations when she talked about leaving for college and that felt so far from me as a freshman. Either way, after that epic failure, I gained courage and explored more areas of myself. No regrets because I would not have done anything differently because I love the way my life has turned out and this moment helped me take more chances. Now, I am dating my best friend because it's best to live with no regrets.