Skipping School with Jerry!

It is funny sometimes how an event can be scary when it is happening but it can be funny at the same time. Later, when you tell the story of the event, it turns from a scary sort of funny story to a hilarious anecdote. This is that kind of event.

When I was in high school I belonged to a group of kids who really didn’t feel like school was that important. I say that because we rarely went to classes. We certainly did not follow the rules.

Looking back at some of the stunts that we pulled I have to admit that if my children act this way I will beat the hell out of them. Come to think of it, I think that may be why I received so many hard punishments. Hmmmm, moving on.

The particular event involves many parties. I cannot remember all of the people involved in this event, and I wouldn’t reveal their names anyway for fear that their children might read this and then get the wrong ideas. But there were about ten of my close friends that were involved in this particular event.

One day, the majority of us decided that we did not want to go to class this day, so we decided to cut class and walk to the mall. Seven minutes after the last bell, the gaggle of us started out away from the school. I was in the midst of the group when I suddenly got a funny feeling. I turned around and saw my mother’s black van coming up the street.

In a panic I jumped behind a fence. I needed to hide or I might actually get a whooping in front of my friends. I might have gotten away with the deception but my mother recognized my friends and looked for me. Just about that time one of my friends, I’ll call him Jerry (the only reason I name him is that he is important to this story later), turned and spoke to me. Thanks dummy, now she knows that I am here!

She didn’t stop, though. Weird! Well, my friends were determined to go on. So to the mall we go.

First stop was in my neighborhood to get a certain friends wallet, I think. We went to his house for something, and we were hanging in his basement when we heard his garage door opener. OH CRUD, what were we going to do? EVERYBODY IN THE CRAWL SPACE!

We waited in there for a good little while. It was a little cramped and one of my friends started to freak a little. Then we heard the sound of my friend’s dad in the ROOM WE HAD BEEN IN! He was inches away from where we were hiding! Now we were sure that we were dead!

But the dad, I guess, was just looking for something and he left after just a few minutes. We waited till we heard the garage door opener again and we all fell out of the crawl space. We decided then that we had better get going for the mall, posthaste.

The way to the mall was long, though. And we had to go a certain way so that one of my friends wouldn’t get caught. He was a little paranoid about getting caught so we indulged him and went through Sand Creek to avoid his house. It was a short cut anyway, sort of.

Sand Creek is really not much of a creek. The only thing in the name that is not deceptive is the sand part. It really is a ditch that runs through our town. The water that does trickle down stream in it stinks really badly. There is a tone of mud, though, in the creek bed and this mud sticks to your shoes like a glue.

So we cut across country, so to speak, and finally was preparing to emerge from the creek as we neared the main road that would take us straight to the mall. One of our friends, a moody but brilliant male friend, wanted to hurry and he was tiring quickly of several of our other friends so he and another friend took off just as we came under the bridge that Platte road crossed over the creek with.

Most of us wanted to stick together so we started to search for the pair. I had, I think, a long stick or pipe or something in my hand. I was obsessed with swords; I always have been, so I had held on to the stick for a good while.

Our good friend Jerry, (you remember him right?); he heard a noise up ahead and went running forward. “Hey guys, I found them…..Oh crap!” Oh crap? We look up to see a policeman drop into creek next to Jerry. Oh crap is right!

The cop says, “Stop!” We stop. He says, “drop the stick!” Stick? Who has a stick? My mind is blank. The officer repeats his command and touches his gun. My paranoid best friend says, “Put the stick down, dumbass!” He then knocks the stick from my hand. I am still blank. Huh? What stick?

The thing we did not know was that the parking lot directly to the north of us was for a Tupperware headquarters and the building had been robbed several times. So when the people who worked there had seen us come up the creek bed, they decided to stop us before we burglarized them in broad daylight. They called the police on us. Yup they stopped us stealing their plastic bowls.

So the cop has us line up against the wall, Spread Eagle. He says, “You know what to do.”; like I had ever had a run in with the law before. My old man had, to be sure, but not I. The cop says to me, “I said up against the wall!” He touches his gun again! The same friend that hit me before shoves me up against the wall, and hisses, “you are such an idiot!”

Now we get to the pat down. He asks each of us if we have any drugs or weapons on us. No, no weapons. Right? Wrong! Jerry whispers to me, “Dude, uhhh, I think I might get arrested.” Oh great, why? “Ummm, I think I have a knife in my pocket.” OH SHIT, JERRY!

The cop comes to me and pats me down. No weapon, great. No brain either, but hey it’s my first time.

Then he comes to Jerry. “Do you have any weapons or drugs on your person?”

“Ummmm, I might.”

“You might?”

“Uh yeah, I had a knife in my pocket and I think I forgot to take it out.” Jerry reached for his pocket. The cop put hand back to his gun and says, very quickly, “don’t move! I’ll get it.” He put his hand into Jerry’s pocket and drew out the contents.

There was a pack of juicy fruit, an unused condom, and a hair brush. No knife. Great, thanks for scaring all us Jerry.

So now that we are not dangerous, the officer wants to talk to us. Where are we going? To the mall. Didn’t we have school today? Yeah but it was a holiday.

You know how when you are watching television and a news report comes on and there is that one guy on there that is about as eloquent as a dog fart and knows about that much? Yeah, I can tell that you do! That one guy that you say to yourself, “How did he get to be the spokes person?” Right, its weird how easily that guy get to be the spokesperson. He just talks the loudest.

The cop then asks us if we were devil worshippers. We all had black leather jackets on and long hair so that qualifies us as Devil worshippers, right? Jerry says, “Uhhh, yeah dude kinda!” what?

The cop says, “kinda? How can you be kinda?”

“Well, dude, we don’t believe in god or the devil.” Speak for yourself, dude!

“Shut up, Jerry!” Somebody hissed at our new spokes person.

Right about there a car is passing on the main road and the driver yells, “QUIT SMOKING POT AND GO BACK TO SCHOOL!”

The cop looks at us and raises his eyebrow, “you boys been smoking weed?” Although I could not answer for the rest of us, I had not been smoking anything. The others, well I couldn’t say….but Jerry did.

“No way, dude! We all volunteer for a piss test!”

“Shut up, Jerry!” That was my friend who had smoked a doobie just a few minutes before.

We were saved from peeing in a cup by the little radio on the cop’s shoulder. “7-baker-3” (I can’t remember the real call sign but it sounds cool right?)

“7-Baker-3”

“Three more of them hoodlums just hauled ass down the street. You want me to stall em?” That would be our runaways.

“No, let them go.” He turned to us and said, “Take your asses back to school, got it?”

“Yes sir,” we all nodded.

He left and so did we; straight to the mall.

I tell this story all the time. It used to be a funny anecdote about a friend that just could not shut up. Now it’s a reminder of a time when I really thought I was cool. Not that I wasn’t, mind you. I just knew I was. And it’s a great reminder to me to look at my kids through my teenage eyes and still be tough (I’ll still whoop their asses, make no mistake) but at least I will identify with their nonsense.