Single Mom Chronicles

I have been a single mother since 2008. I became a double-time single mom in 2015. Two men left me alone to raise two daughters. My children are quite literally my world. I lost my identity when their dads decided to leave. As I write, my only identity is being a mother. I have no social life. I have no boyfriend. Taking care of my children consumes me. I have to work to make ends meet. I still fall short. It was (and still is) suggested that I get a second job. I continue to refuse. If I am always at a job, when will I see my children? When I am away, they miss me and I miss them.

I gave birth to my first daughter in 2006. I was only 20 years old. Her father was 22 at the time. Her dad and I met when we were kids. I was just 6 years old. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I told him. I asked him if he wanted me to keep the baby or not because I didn't want to be a single mom. How ironic right? He's gone by the time our daughter was about 2 years old. I left him actually. He was a serial cheater. He was an alcoholic. He was a thief. Just because our relationship ended, he is still responsible for his child, as am I. He was extremely hurt by me leaving him so he told me to let my next man help me take care of our kid. And with that, he would never consistently see or help pay for the care of our daughter again. I pulled up my pants and got it done. My baby was gonna be good without him!

I gave birth to my second daughter in 2015 at the age of 29. I met her dad in a Facebook group. He was a damn rebound. He was nothing like he portrayed himself online. In all of the pictures he posted, he would be out having fun. He was always surrounded by people. He had watches on his arm and drinks in his hand. He always looked nice, slacks and button down shirts. In reality, everywhere he went was paid for by other people. He only had like 2 pairs of shoes. A pair of sneakers and a pair of dress shoes. The dress shoes had holes in soles from him wearing and walking in them so much. He had maybe 5 pairs of pants. He had no job, no car and no place of his own. He also had 4 children with 4 different women. I didn't want to be baby mom number 5. I honestly didn't want any more children. Taking care of one kid alone was hard enough. I got tired of taking care of him, so I broke things off. I start to feel increasingly more weak by the day. I could barely stand one day, so I went to the emergence room. I was sure it was just dehydration. I figured they would give me some IV fluids and send me on my way. The doctor comes in and tells me that I am six weeks pregnant. I was in disbelief. Now I'm pregnant by a guy that cannot help me take care of a baby. He could barely take care of himself. Plus, we had already broken up. I was on birth control. I always say that God must've really wanted her here. The price of an abortion had gone up to $450. I didn't have any health insurance, so I would have to pay out of pocket. I didn't have that kind of money available. He didn't have money for it either. I briefly entertained the idea of having unprotected sex with someone and telling him I was pregnant and leading him to believe the baby was his. I couldn't in good conscience do that to a man or to my child. We got back together. He left for good 2 months after our daughter was born.

I have a 16 year old and a 6 year old. I love them both to pieces. Everything I do is for them in one way or another. I have conditioned myself to think and tell other people that "I am ok not having friends" or "I don't have the time for a man." Neither is entirely untrue. Having friends means going out. Going out means spending money. I am already struggling, so I don't have any extra money for socializing. I work five days a week, sometimes six. My time off work goes to my girls because we are so close. We are all we got. What happens when they grow up and leave me though?