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"Shut up"

I want to share how I really feel

By Juliette IvyPublished 2 years ago 3 min read
3

Everywhere I go, I feel I don’t truly belong. Every song I sing along to, amongst those beside me feels disharmonic. As if I’m the odd one out and this is always how it’s been. I feel like I was born in the wrong place, with the wrong people and I am constantly experiencing that same experience over and over again.

I feel the need to explain that here, to share it in the way I like to write because I want you to see my heart. I want to bare my soul to be seen and felt and it would mean everything to me if you could relate. Because to share my pain and have someone else feel like “shit someone else is the same” and have that make you feel a little bit better or a little less hopeless is where the wholesomeness lies within me that I’ll share. There are darker things within me that I’d also like to share, perhaps I’m a little scared. But this is a bit like a diary entry for me, spilling my thoughts out, confessing how I’m feeling, you’re like the person to listen to me that I wish I could talk to.

Here I’ve got nothing to lose right? I could just say anything.

I have often felt in my life that I’ve had no one to listen to me. I listen to everyone but who listens to me? Shit I think I got to the point where I didn’t even know who I was anymore because I’d just listen to people and be this wallflower sort of thing that would just experience others but not know what to say myself in response and fear that if I did say anything, it would be judged. I think I was judged as a child a lot, in fact I was. There are a few experiences I can pinpoint that could easily have lead to this fear in me. I remember when I was about 12 and in school, I was trying to sit with the group of popular girls and I felt so out of place. Whenever I’d say anything to them (it seems ridiculous but this actually happened), they’d just tell me to shut up. I don’t know why I put myself through that, but having felt such a lack of belonging and wanting so badly to be acknowledged, I sought out to be around the people that “meant something”. It’s ridiculous to think about now, that there can be a few people that are considered more important than the rest and everyone else is just insignificant little ants in comparison to them, but that was the reality of how people seemed to think and I was a little ant for a while.

This way of thinking has seemed to follow me because there is fear in me to say what I truly think. To share my stories and experiences, I always fear that I’m not doing something right. That I’ll be too this or too that and I’ll experience criticism which is the same flavor as those “shut ups”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not gonna not try and not put myself out there, because I’m here aren’t I? But that fear remains anyway. I want to share how I really feel. I want to share my responses, what I think. I want my chance to share my perspective and sense of self with the world without restriction. I don’t want to hide. I don’t want to pretend that I don’t feel what I feel when I feel something. I don’t want to pretend that I’m not afraid when I’m afraid or that I’m confident when I’m not. The truth is that I don’t want to experience another “shut up”.

Childhood
3

About the Creator

Juliette Ivy

Navigating the seas of a spiritual awakening and the journey of self actualization, I have many stories to tell. Mostly about what I find out when I dive into myself and uncover the root behind my pain.

Reader insights

Nice work

Very well written. Keep up the good work!

Top insights

  1. Compelling and original writing

    Creative use of language & vocab

  2. Excellent storytelling

    Original narrative & well developed characters

  3. Eye opening

    Niche topic & fresh perspectives

  1. Heartfelt and relatable

    The story invoked strong personal emotions

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Comments (2)

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  • Emily Dickerson2 years ago

    I also really like the image for the story as well! Beautiful

  • Emily Dickerson2 years ago

    I feel your pain. :) I see how desperate you are to be known, seen, heard, and loved for who you are. I'd bet you grew up in a similar situation to mine that no one heard your feelings or validated them, that you had no safe space to be yourself... I was right there, too. That's why we write, isn't it? If you tell me to shut up so you can't hear my voice, your eyes will certainly see what I have to say. :) I'm with you. <3

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