Sex Was Bad Unless You Were Married

When I tell people that have only known me for a few years that I grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness they are shocked.

I swear. I’m sexual. I’m very open-minded. They just can’t imagine that this could even be possible.

It’s true, though.

I actually wasn’t a Jehovah’s Witness all my life. I got to know it when my family moved into a small town (the same one I live in now) and our neighbors across the street were Witnesses. They had a daughter just a little older than me and we started hanging out. She talked to me about it. Her older sisters, who babysat us, talked to us about it. They invited me to the Kingdom Hall (their church). I didn’t have a lot of friends, so I went.

Over the years, those Jehovah’s Witness kids drew me in and they became my friends. And I kept going to the Kingdom Hall. It was less about the religion and more about the friendships with kids that felt as awkward in the world as I did. I fit in there, whereas in school, I didn’t.

As I got older, I studied. Bible study. Because three days a week at church wasn’t enough. And I learned. And I became convinced that it was the “one true religion.”

When I was 16 I dedicated my life to serving Jehovah. I’d been going out in service (going door to door and sharing the good word) for several years by then and at that age, I was convinced that this was the way I wanted to share my life.

My mom and my sister eventually came to “the truth” after I did (although my mom had been a JW growing up and was already familiar with it) and even my uncle who lived across the country came back with his wife. He’s now an elder.

Growing up a teenage Jehovah’s Witness was anything but easy. We were strongly discouraged from getting involved in any “worldly” activities. This included after school sports or birthday parties or even going over to a “worldly” friends house after school. We should only associate with each other whenever possible.

If we did associate with “worldly” people outside of school, we were encouraged to talk about Jehovah all the time. “Informal witnessing” it was called. So, obviously, people were not eager to hang out with me.

As I got older, it became very apparent that sex was bad. Thinking about sex was bad. Masturbation was bad. You should see the things that they told kids about masturbation — basically, touching yourself would lead you down a path of depravity and even insanity and you’d do crazier and crazier things and before you knew it you’d be a whore begging for cock on the streets. Well, not literally, but close.

For me, that was a lot of guilt. I started masturbating when I was 11. And sex was on my mind all the time. So I read the Bible more. I studied the magazines. And I prayed.

I got in a lot of trouble, too. For dating worldly boys. For dressing too sexy (skirts should never be more than an inch above the knee). And as I got older, for going to bars. And for getting date raped when I was 20 (I was drinking so it was totally my own damn fault).

It took me a year after that date rape incident where I was made to feel like I should be punished for it (lost privileges like answering at meetings and going out in service) instead of going to the authorities and reporting it and getting professional counselling. I worked hard, prayed, went out with a good little JW boy, and got my privileges back.

I didn’t think about sex any less. I broke up with the JW boy because it was leaning towards marriage talk. Yeah — he was 19 and I was 21. And his parents were discussing marriage with us.

I was having none of that.

We broke up because the idea of being the good JW subservient wife terrified me.

I skipped town, moved to the city, didn’t tell a damn soul other than a couple people where I was, and drifted away. That was how you had to do it if you wanted to still be able to talk to your family. That was how you did it if you didn’t want to be disfellowshipped and not able to have any of your loved ones ever speak to you again.

I met my children’s dad, started having decent sex (at least I was having fairly regular orgasms — he was very orally skilled), and never looked back.

Except that wasn’t true. I did look back for a long time. I felt like I had disappointed Jehovah. I felt like I had disappointed my family (my mom and my uncle and my grandma). I felt so much guilt!

I loved sex, but I could never fully enjoy it because I wasn’t married. I was living in sin. I thought about moving back to my hometown and letting them disfellowship me and immersing myself back in the religion so I could get Jehovah to love me again. So I could see my old friends again. So I could be good again.

I didn’t, though, because I had my first child just before I turned 25. By then, I thought that her dad was the love of my life. I stayed and thought about religion less and less. But the guilt was still there, deep down.

It wasn’t until I went to university and my mind opened up. I learned about other religions. I took women’s studies classes. I experimented sexually (it was around then that I had my first affair with a woman). I got strong emotionally, intellectually, and even physically.

I broke up with my kid’s dad (who I did love for a long time but he was kinda shitty and didn’t treat me great) and started having more sex. Damn. That was fun.

I kept exploring and learning and it was around then that I started identifying as bisexual and a feminist. And the more I learned, the less guilt I felt.

I got over my guilt.

I moved on from my past.

I became my authentic self.

But being a JW will always be part of who I am. And it is why I will always advocate for education and sexual information to be available to everyone.