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I Refuse to be Afraid to Love

Because love is a gift

By Autumn SeavePublished 3 years ago 4 min read
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I Refuse to be Afraid to Love
Photo by Christopher Beloch on Unsplash

A little over a year ago, I lost my husband to liver cirrhosis. He was the love of my life and I’ll always have him in my heart. But I know he would not want me to be alone for the rest of my life. I know he would want me to find love again.

At first I was afraid of loving someone again. Because if I love someone, they might be taken from me again. Or worse yet, they might not love me back.

In the past year, I’ve met other pained souls. I’ve met people who have lost loved ones to death. I’ve met people who have had relationships end and been hurt so badly that they felt the same way that I do. They did not want love. They just wanted what I wanted — friendship, companionship, and sometimes, sex.

I was fine with all that. Until I realized that I loved one of them.

At first, I was freaked out. It was too soon. I wasn’t ready to love someone. So, I just called it “the feels”. I told him. And he was ok about it. As long as I didn’t expect anything of him.

The feelings grew stronger though. I was daydreaming about him all the time. I never stopped waiting for his texts. I wanted to make plans to be with him as much as possible. When I didn’t know when I would see him next (we have a long distance relationship), I would get antsy.

Eventually, I had to talk about it.

I knew from the beginning that he was not looking for a committed relationship. He did not want anyone living in his house. He didn’t want to get married again. I didn’t think that I wanted that either. But there was part of me that thought we could have more.

Finally, we talked it out. And I realized that we would never be more than what we were. Long-distance friends that had great conversation and great sex. But we would never live in the same city and would certainly never live together. And that he might never feel the same towards me as I did about him.

At first, I was hurt. I was sad. I was disappointed. I actually considered ending our relationship.

I let some time pass. That helped.

I still feel love for him. And I think I always will. Who knows — maybe he will come to feel the same. But not likely.

I refuse to convince myself that I can’t feel love for him though. Just because the feelings are not exactly the same, it doesn’t mean that we can’t have a wonderful relationship. It doesn’t mean that we can’t continue to enjoy each others company, go out and do things together, and have a very fulfilling sexual relationship. It does not mean that he doesn’t appreciate me or our relationship. It just means he has his own issues about love to deal with. Or not deal with.

It has only been over the past few months that I have realized that I shouldn’t be afraid to love people. Love is an awesome gift that you can give someone. And because it is a gift, that means it does not have to be reciprocated. Giving the gift of love is enough.

How do you stop being afraid to love?

  • Accept that everyone is at different stages in their lives and may not be ready for love when you are.
  • Accept that everyone has different needs and limitations and you can only control your own, not theirs.
  • Accept that it is ok to love someone and not expect the feelings to be returned the same way.
  • Accept that love does not have to follow the relationship hierarchy that society expects couples to follow.
  • Accept that there are different kinds of love.
  • Accept that love does not have to come with words.
  • Accept that love may not be forever and enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

Love is never a bad thing. Love is a gift, an honor and a privilege. Give and accept it. Love to love.

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About the Creator

Autumn Seave

Erotica, Sex, Dating, Polyamory, Relationships, Life — My homebase here: http://inkyblueallusions.com (buy me a coffee, purchase my books, etc)

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