Self-Doubt

Self-doubt has been gnawing at my brain for many years now. I think my problem started by when I was in elementary school. Someone was there to criticize me on every little thing. I remembered when I was a part of some dance group that I and some friends created for the school's annual talent show. We were doing a dance routine to "Lipgloss" by Lil Mama. Gosh, time flew! This girl, Nikita, who I always admired for her outspokenness, was the group leader and came up with a few dance moves that we shy girls could do. It was some hip rolls, a few squats, and the finisher was a jump split. The jump split and the random squats weren't an issue for me. It was the hip rolls. For some reason, I had a wave of anxiety to move my hips in such a feminine way. I didn't think it was in my nature to do that; I kept thinking, "Everyone is going to look at me and laugh. I can't do this." So, every time it was my turn to do the hip roll, I became stuck and uncoordinated. Then, Nikita told the teacher, "She can't dance. She's too scared."

I never felt so embarrassed in my life.

The teacher asked me what was wrong, but I refused and told them I could dance and disliked the choreography. Then, I was put on the spot to suggest a different move. I couldn't come up with anything and had to stick with Nikita's routine. It was hard. My brain kept thinking, "You can't do this. Only the pretty girls can do this! You look silly..." My self-doubt and intense insecurities caused Nikita and the teacher to put me in the back of the group. People congratulated all of the girls after the performance except for me because no one realized that I was on stage the whole time.

I was invisible.

From a young age, self-doubt and insecurities plagued my mind. When I was in high school, I had some theatre teachers criticize me intensely about my speech. I knew my speech wasn't perfect. I grew up around those who spoke AAVE, I lived in the hood all of my life, and I lived in states where people say "Tawk" instead of "Talk." However, my theatre teachers showed me no mercy in it, and here goes my self-doubt knocking on my door, saying, "You'll never sound as good. You'll always have a lisp. You're just a product of your environment. You'll never break out of that." Then, I got my first role in a play during my freshmen year. I played a maid, of course. I swear that's every black girl's first role in high school. In my part, I opened the play with a huge monologue.

I butchered the shit out of that monologue.

My part in the play wasn't a huge part. If anything, I was like the centerpiece on a coffee table. There to look cute. Yet, that monologue was extremely tough for me. My lisp was horrible; I couldn't stay present at the moment and kept darting my eyes around the room, subconsciously looking for that escape. I awkwardly left the stage and faded into the darkness backstage. Just like in elementary school, people congratulated the actresses after the play and were met with confusion when they saw me as a part of the cast. My director noticed my struggle, and instead of taking the opportunity to teach me something, he just shortened my monologued and told me to memorize that. Therefore, I went from being on stage for 5 minutes to 1 minute and 3o seconds.

After that moment, I started to say fuck it.

Over time, I began to start assessing myself. I self-doubted myself for many things because I feared failure and didn't think highly of myself. Growing up, I never learned how to bounce back from a failed attempt. I was told by many adults to "get over it" and "try again." The "get over it" never helped me because I was never over it. I always thought it about, whether it be a few days, months, or years. Now, I'm trying to appreciate the little wins I receive, give myself praise for my well-deserved accomplishments, and reiterate that I'm a boss in front of my bathroom mirror with toothpaste foaming in my mouth.

The journey isn't over yet.

Every day I am making an effort to improve my mental state. I have researched my chronic self-doubt, and according to the Google self-diagnosis research facility, I may have what some will call Imposter Syndrome. It is a form of self-doubt that transfers to comparison to others and feeling inadequate regardless of how much you have done to deserve your position, the award, or praise. I've only told you all two snippets in my life of me experiencing self-doubt, but I didn't tell you guys that during the "Lipgloss" performance, I helped many girls improve their splits, helped pick out the outfits, and some other girls asked me to join their group. During high school, I was chosen for many significant roles and participated in competitions. In one competition, I received a scholarship to the New York Conservatory for The Dramatic Arts for my performance and received a bronze award for it too. I was an active member in everything I did, but self-doubt and all of the hidden insecurities blinded me for such a long time.

Looking back, I didn't think that anything that I did was well deserved, meaningful or that I could even do it. Now, I can appreciate those moments, have belief in myself, and accept those wins gracefully. I don't know when the day will come when I will be able to take something without questioning it, but in the meantime, all I can do is try, and I have been doing very well in my progress.