Screw Me Over

“I’d like to end my presentation with a quote from Toni Morrison. She said ‘The function of freedom is to free someone else.’ I believe that’s why it’s our obligation to educate instead of hate. We have to think about our future. If one doesn’t want to hear what you’re saying, they give up that chance for freedom and stay stuck in their own minds.”

How in the world did all of that come from my lips? Did it really even matter? It sounded amazing. That was never expected to come from me as I was nervous as hell. However, looking through those slides helped me turn it into my own.

My peers loved it and that made me feel great. Even Jackie in the back corner, who sleeps the entire class time, loved it. That was unexpected because she never stays up for presentations. She never pays attention.

Of course, the professor studied my excitement with an upward brow before finishing the grading on my assignment. Of all the classes I get eyeballed in, it has to be my African American studies class. Most of the class was made up of mochas, caramels, and dark chocolate students. Where was there room to be eyeballed in a class like this?

There were a few white students in the class but they were treated just like the rest of us. If anyone was expected to be eyeballed, it was them.

Anyway, my presentation was on how to present our culture to people who couldn’t relate. It’s culture for us and education for everyone else. Why not invite others into our world? Just because a few bad apples misuse it for their own purposes doesn’t mean we have to just keep it within our own community and stay afraid of others taking it.

It’s hard to gain allies when we’re too busy pointing fingers and speaking out of anger. It’s not the answer. Plus, how can you educate people like that? We deserve to be learned about as well without the worries of a few people making us look bad.

Anyway, we had just a few more presentations and through them all, I thought about how everyone was interested in mine. Questions were saved for the few minutes before class ended but students were listening to my ideas and my solutions.

The excitement and shock all faded after one of the presentations because I was focused on the content. I took some notes and had multiple questions for the presenters. At the end of the class, we all got to gather around and answer questions from our peers. Some played devil’s advocate when asking questions about my project and others just asked serious questions like…

“What’s your opinion on culture appropriation? Why should others learn about our culture when they want to use it for their benefit or switch it up however they feel like?”

“Why do you believe this peaceful method works? Martin Luther King Jr. tried it the peaceful way and he ended up dying.”

I answered them the best way I knew how and, before you could blink, class was over. The feeling of knowing I did what needed to be done crept on me slowly and it made me feel so much better. All I could do was try and the class seemed to like it since they had questions after.

“Hey, Rena. Just wanted to catch you before you left and tell you that you did an amazing job. You’re right about the more we know, the more we grow idea. Now, you can let your shoulders fall and take a breath of relief. See you tomorrow for the study sesh though, right?”

What a smooth talker our class aid was. Though he was so good looking, I couldn’t get over his articulate speech. That was the biggest turn on. Even when using slang, he was slick with it and didn’t even have to try. So mature.

I couldn’t help but get weak in the knees like SWV. While he talked, my eyes were all over his pink lips curling into a dimpled smile and my head nodded in awe. His feet were pretty big but you know what they say about feet.

As he walked out the door, the picture of his dark green eyes and the way his beach blonde hair fell slightly over his forehead flashed before me and I was totally smitten.

“Ms. Benjamin, class is over and Jed is gone now. You can leave too. Also, your presentation…”

Oh, here we go. Another ‘critique’ on my presentation just so he can make me feel less than. This is what he’s known for around the campus and on the website we rate professors on. There was no other professor that taught this class so I was stuck with him. For someone who’s supposed to be ‘for the people’, he-

“It was fabulous, Ms. Benjamin. I could relate to so much of the information you presented. I see you being a wonderful teacher because it’s already in you and I’d love to have my son in your classroom when he gets there. That’s all I wanted. Have a good day.”

He said that like he had to say that as a professor but hell. A compliment is a compliment and I’m here for it. My jaw dropped and my eyes burned from the happy tears forming in them. Good thing they never fell from my eyes. I never heard that from any professor or teacher before. Do you know how that makes me feel? College is already hard as it is. His praise made things much better.

Chuckling at the words as they circled around in my mind, I thanked him and left before the tears fell onto my cheeks. So much of hiding them. They’d suck at hide-and-seek. They escaped like they were running from a scary guy.

That was pretty thoughtful of Professor Vaughn because he rides my ass like white on rice, using the excuse of having high expectations for the class. He could just be passionate or devoted to his job instead of a prick with a stick up his ass. His expectations are way too high for a class that freshmen are required to take. It’s what we call a ‘prerequisite’ class. It’s either this or other history classes. It’s like high school except you have to pay for it.

Yay to capitalism! Whoever’s getting money for our education is one lucky person!

Speaking of jobs, I had about two hours to kill until work and nothing made me happier than to see my sweet kindergarten and first graders’ faces. They are going to be ecstatic about our project for this afternoon. We’re making watermelon volcanoes, all part of our STEM portion of our afterschool program. Every child has been assigned a job and I have my discussion questions so we can talk about the project. See how much I love my job?

After thinking about my project, my nose got stuck in a steamy romance about this college girl wanting a guy that dated every guy besides her. It caught my attention because the girl wasn’t exactly a nerd but she was surely smart and a badass. Who doesn’t want a smart badass woman?

As I looked up from the pages, my eyes caught onto Little Miss Princess strut through the Student Union. The bad bitch blonde with a diva attitude. The Queen over all the freshmen who doesn’t speak to peasants. She strutted over to me in her white open-toed heels and white maxi dress with white Chanel sunglasses on…inside.

“Just so you know, I’m not here to talk. I just need to borrow your Spanish book for class.” Tiffany asked as she folded her thin pale arms and crossed her heels. Her light golden blonde hair fell over her shoulders as she looked both ways in suspicion of someone catching her talking to me. Here I thought she didn’t talk to peasants.

“You do realize that this isn’t high school anymore, right? Here’s the Spanish book by the way.”

“Yeah, I know that. However, reputations are still a thing in college, honey. You’ve got to get with the times. Change your style and upgrade. Walmart shoes are so elementary school.”

Well, when I make as much as you do from my aunt’s pockets, then I’ll get me some Gucci and ‘pop them tags’.

“Tiff, image is not everything. People do not care about what you’re wearing. They’re too busy trying to graduate around here. If people are talking about you, they must be super bored and have no life. Basically, they’re strange people peeping on actual college students. That’s very absurd. Anyway, why is image so important to you?”

Her pink-glossed small lips flattened as she cleared her throat and took her sunglasses off slowly. Oh, I’m worthy of that?!

“If I’m not mistaken, Ms. Educator, image means public perception. PUBLIC impression. Not self-impression. This means that people are always watching, whether secretly or openly. You want to be the girl that they talk about and be jealous of. That’s why it’s so important, Rena. Plus, Aunt Clara always says that image is everything so you’re wrong on this one, teacher. Toodles!”

Of course, she listens to her evil aunt that barely took care of her and her sister. I couldn’t imagine living off a self-absorbed aunt and hardworking uncle that gets no credit from his wife. I couldn’t imagine living off someone that barely takes care of me.

Sure, there’s probably financial benefits from this but that’s the only thing they can really brag about to their friends’ circle or use against you in an argument. You may not see it but many people do that and it works like fast-acting hair removal cream. They have something to use against you or something to brag about to other people like they really care about how you feel.

I’d rather struggle with student loans and a check I barely see.

Sighing to myself over that conceited bobblehead, I picked up my book again but the sight of tents, blue and white balloons, and students partying with drinks in their hand had me distracted. So much for not having alcohol on campus. What’s up with all the red solo cups?

Anyway, it was homecoming week and, as much as I wanted to hang out, it was out of my comfort zone. Ever had that feeling that you’re missing something or want to do something but you can’t find or do that something because you’re worried all the time? I know they say take chances because you could never see those chances again and life is short, but what good is it to take that chance and fail? Feel embarrassed? Look stupid or get hurt?

Learning experiences I wish not to learn from. I’m comfortable in my own little bubble even if it means I feel alone. It’s a safety net for me. As much fun as the pre-party looked, I couldn’t help but think the worst. The world is such a scary place and anything could happen. A shootout, a knife fight, a sexual assault or rape situation. It’s happened on campus plenty of times. Hell, a damn tornado could fly through the campus and nobody would know.

Somebody could put drugs in the drinks, someone could start a fight, and anybody could come up to you and randomly choke you. Yeah, I’ll pass on all of that. It’s not worth the risk.

Momma promised my granddaddy that I’d stay at this college for two years. I can’t stay here if I get choked out by a random college student that’s drunk as hell. There’s so much to think about when it comes to parties or…celebrations.

Students with food and drinks in hand, dancing to the sound of the music and mingling with their peers. Little do they know how much danger they’re in. The worse happens later this week. During the weekend, everybody will be having parties in their apartments or off-campus and that’s worse.

My eyes planted back into the words of my book but a gentle touch fell onto my shoulders and I jumped up out of my seat to see the dangerous rascal laughing at his attempt to give me a heart attack.

“Seriously, Brian?! What the hell were you thinking?! What are you doing?! You really want me to sock a textbook to your face, don’t you?!”

His light brown eyes widened and his caramel skin glistened from the light outside while he answered “Chill out, Rena. I’m just messing around. You know how I am.”

Yeah, I do know how you are. An asshole just like these other guys around here. And talk about messing around? Don’t let me go there.

“What do you want from me, Brian?”

“Look, I was just wanted to ask you if you wanted to go to Homecoming with me but, from the way you jumped at my touch, I’ll take that as a no.”

A no? There’s no good enough reason in the world to go anywhere with this guy. I can think of 99 reasons to not go with him and him being a decent human being isn’t one of them. I couldn’t trust him with a lock of my hair. He wouldn’t know what to do with it. He’d stand there with drool dripping from his mouth, probably wanting to eat it.

Some people deserve to stay in your past for a reason. How he followed me here to college is beyond me.

“Thanks, Brian, but I’m not attending. Too much at stake.”

Furrowing his eyebrows, he had the nerve to ask me why and act as if he played no part in my decision. He played a part but he wasn’t the main reason. Why would I tell him any of that though, right?

“I have to work, papers to type, a project to work on, four rabbits to babysit, and a baby bear to feed and play with. Thanks for the offer though.”

Just as I ended my conversation with the boy version of Clueless, it was time for me to go to work. Thank goodness because that conversation was going to be pretty awkward if we had kept going. One more minute with the free-spirited ding dong and I would’ve exploded.

Some things are just better left unsaid because you’d be wasting your breath. It all goes in one ear and out the other when it comes to Brian Thompson.

Just like morals and the many women he invites back and forth to his apartment, my feelings came in and went out of his mind.