Say Her Name

You’ve heard it said:

“Distance makes the heart grow fonder.”

“We’re soulmates! Best Friends!”

“For richer or for poorer, in sickness & in health, til death do us part…ish”

Then, WHAM — a discovery that your heart & soul, the man you chose to marry, is a monster, a narcissist, your rapist, your sexual deviant dictator, your own personal well of hell; has been dipping his stick wherever & with whomever he pleased.

This is a cautionary truth; that is all mine; that, unfortunately no one ever really knows the evil that lurks in the hearts of men. I actually don’t think he has a soul, a conscience, or a boundary in his being that would make him rethink any sexual encounter; offered or not. Nor would tangible, irrefutable evidence sway him to admit wrongdoing; he is most definitely cavalier & callous. Please let me know if you are one of his victims — you’ll feel special, but you aren’t; I am in the same boat after 20 years of marriage & 3 kids.

I thought I knew my person — we weren’t perfect strangers plucked out of oblivion in a random scheme to ruin my life; the world had not conspired against me. Entire communities & groups of friends & classmates know both of us. Our fathers worked at the same company for a stint - mine became highly regarded in international business & his left the corporate world to pursue his passion in the classroom as an artist. Both were men of faith; devoted completely to their families & fascinating in very different ways. I grew up on the same street as his paternal grandparents, & even attended the same church. Not one thing in his family history would indicate he was any different from then the others from our respective small midwestern towns. My dad & the two of us attended the same small liberal arts college in my hometown—faith & family hopelessly intertwined.

Bottom line: I didn’t just pick him from the husband store, but if I did; I would demand a refund, sue for negligence by way of a defective & dangerous product. I would never accept an upgrade—throw away the mold & never reproduce ever again.

I do admit, my naïveté—accepting such a rush to marriage. He left his longtime college girlfriend for me—I now know she removed the warning label, changed religions, & never looked back; lucky. He was cheating on her nonstop & I, I thought I was winning. I was blinded by young love (or lust, if you will), promises of adventure, travel, and fun.

What I got:

Heartbreak

Isolation

Sabotage

Financial ruin

A finely curated forest of generations burned to the ground; there was no grafting of branches on the family tree. He chopped me up & fed me to the fire; I was slow roasted; so subtly over time that any spirit I had, was DOA. He removed us so far from the field of family & friends that I was convinced that forests ceased to exist; the warm embrace of branches became brittle, the deep roots could not reach the water, & those delicate leaves rotted & never regrew. The tree that I thought was firmly planted, never, ever, took root.

Invite the blight, the rot, & the devastating disease — the damage overwrought life. His dalliances — those other women. He burned the forest to the damn ground; I was charred, but he could burn bright & endlessly, as I my ashes blew in the wind.

Here is a sampling, descriptors without cures; to name & to say out loud. One could be you, but he doesn’t care; not about you, not about me, not about our three children, lost unaware. I warned the ones I could, not out of jealousy, but to spare their despair. He is the tree; outwardly strong & easy to hug, but beware — he is hollow inside.

HR ——the original Home(w)Recker & likely the OG. Human Resources could have saved my life, but it was nothing—he’s just a friendly-close-talking-SOB.

MH the Mercy Homewrecker——because God. She is the extra most bestest stage 5 clinger & convicted Christian, ready to sit by his side at church. (Can I get an AMEN?) She believed every inch of his lies, so much so that she was ready to toss the bouquet (& her life) in one fell swoop. I sobbed at her fantasies about marriage to him as she continued to daydream; waking up in my house, in my old bed—to my 3 kids jumping in with them; bubbling over with unrealistic expectations.

Montreal aka Fire Hose——and I quote “she can suck a mean dick.” Whilst investigating this one; he got creative with her contact info, Maybe: Melissa, then from: Maximillion, then Spam, & finally Scam — he wins this round for the most nicknames created, by him for him.

Brasiliana or Brasiliano——he explained it best when he said Brazil was like Montreal, but “what you’re thinking & more…so much more.”

Really?——she puts the real in real estate, but he’d never do anything with her <<gasp>> she’s a married woman!

Splat——points if you get the reference. She apparently cornered him at one of their locations; the type of encounters where she takes his clothes off, & maybe a few more hookups, but he’s still learning to count.

Flight Attendant——basic AF, but she crash landed & quickly set a course to land in our city; being from Vegas, she is a natural born gambler.

Someone

Someone2

The Entire Island of Aruba——it used to be one happy island until he got there—we got there; stranded for 5 months. Pandemic

Wet Blankets——we live in a somewhat tropical area & he expects me to believe that my kids (who do weird shit, but not this weird) brought blankets on a two minute drive to the first school. I was born at night, but not last night; the blanket I was swaddled in was warm, not wet.

Russian Rouletta & Other Conspirianas ——claimed he was roofied, when I expressed concern that he needed to get a rape kit; he declined further comment without his mail order bride.

Please let me know if you have had this happen, or; may think you are one of the women. He will soon be out of my life, but not forever — I have to share our kids for the next lifetime, not just the 15 years; I waited a long time & lost a lot of babies & my future to him.

I am not special, so if you see a man with a handful ED meds & a pocketful of dreams — RUN — you ARE special.