Re-inventing Me

I grew up in a rough way, alcoholic mother, lots of ugly things happened to me in my youth, but a lot of great memories came with that, like living in an apartment complex that were all like family. I knew everyone! The manager would leave the pool open in the summer til midnight and we would have amazing pool parties with music, food, alcohol and lots of drugs going around. I wasn't doing any of the drugs, but I did drink some when I was 14, never enough to get drunk but just enough to fit in... oh and I did smoke some pot once, but I didn't like how it made me feel so I didn't smoke it again. I wasn't a very cute tween, due to glasses, zits and because I had to wear the same clothes to school every day, I got picked on a lot at school for being "an ugly freak". That was the emotionally beaten and bruised girl in middle and high school I became...a complete emotional ugly duckling, (which I don't know why they say that, because I can honestly say I have NEVER seen an ugly duckling...they are super cute!)

I stayed beaten down and ugly for years after, and then I got pregnant with my one and only child, and things started to change. I raised him to the best of my ability, but throughout his young years I would say things out loud to myself when I was getting ready for work, or to take him to school, like "well, ya can't fix ugly" and he would immediately retort with "momma you're not ugly, why do you say that?" and I would tell him because "momma" was told things like that her whole life, so I would just say it. Then one day I heard him playing in his room with his little army men, and I could hear him saying things like "straighten up soldier, quit being a stupid idiot" I began to realize quickly that little pictures have big ears and he was hearing and repeating history when it came to belittling himself or judging others, this would not stand!

I knew as a mother and a fairly decent human being that I could not let him hear any more negative bullshit coming out of my mouth, so slowly but surely, I started trying to change my view of me, thus changing my son's view of the world. This for all intents and purposes, is a very hard thing to do, because I had spent years conditioning myself to believe all the garbage I had been fed, so the undoing of all of that would take more than the 21 days to break a habit. I began daily by looking in the mirror daily and telling myself "You are beautiful, you are smart, you are worthy, and I love you" I did this for six weeks straight and you know what happened? I noticed small changes within me, such as I had grown a bit more confident in giving out advice, I started to take charge more instead of sitting in the back of the room and waiting for someone else to come up with all the ideas, I actually had some decent input to give, and it mattered! I had decided to start a business, get a couple of jobs and started teaching my son how to be a more confident person, because he was very shy. I started building his confidence at about 12, and I watched him flourish into a young man who was ready to conquer the world!

Then came the day he was introduced to illicit drugs...and all of my hopes and dreams for him went down the drain as I watched him become addicted to marijuana and alcohol (and no I didn't just stand by watching, but you really can't be everywhere your kids are. There are more drugs peddled on school grounds then in the streets these days). I watched it happen and did everything I could to keep him from it but let's face it, I was not a very good influence, I was working at a bar by the time he reached 15 years old and was quite the party animal, not to mention; we were living with my boyfriend of 3 years at the time who was a full blown alcoholic, so the influences he was exposed to were not very positive. This would result in him walking into a large grocery chain at barely 18 years old, drunk off his ass and stealing over $500 worth of Jack Daniels and Heineken. This stupid move got him killed. If you want to know how it all happened read my other story "Celebrating Lost Loved Ones" and that gives you all the details. I went from a confident woman to a lost, alone and ashamed person once again, and I was beating myself up constantly about his death. I would spend the next 18 years, telling myself I was a terrible mother and that if it weren't for me, he would still be here...and I fell right back into "ugly duckling". To some extent that could be true, but not the way you're thinking right now. I now realize that maybe giving him the "you can be anything you want to be" speech can be a little dangerous. Does anyone say, "hey kids! you could be anything you want when you grow up, a meth addict, pothead, a drunk hell even a crack dealer!" I don't think parents think about these things when they envision their children all grown up, I know I didn't. Now, don't take what I just said wrong, of course we should always encourage our children to be the best "them" they can, but being upset at their bad grades does not help self-confidence. I feel like being positive nomatter what, influences a healthy balance of mentally prepared/problem-solving abilities in them for future use. I also made sure he knew the world was not such a nice place sometimes, that is important. Don't scare them to death, just show them what "could" happen should they go down the wrong road. Here I am blabbering on about "how to train you kids to be wonderful upstanding citizens" when I am supposed to be talking about me! I decided to get married...twice! The first marriage was convenient, and I was 26, yes, I know how bad that sounded! I didn't love him, and I was young and impulsive, thinking my son needed a father since his was in prison. Yes, I now realize that was a terrible thing to do to that poor man, he was completely in love with me, and I did not return the feeling. We only lasted about a year, then I walked away and at 48 fell in love and married my current husband. Technically my first husband and I were married for 18 years simply because I had never filed for divorce. Now I have a life I can be proud of, I have completely shed the "ugly duckling" and now know that I am a beautiful, confident, mentally stable swan! It took a lot of trial and error to get here, and lots and lots of mistakes, but I am happier than ever, and I will continue to be this person for the rest of my life. I recently found Christianity again, and I can't tell you what knowing that God has your back, does to self-confidence. You can do almost anything if you really want it bad enough, you just have to keep telling yourself "I CAN do this, I AM worthy" and then go get what it is you want, and do not let ANYONE tell you otherwise. I know it sounds easy, but it's a lot of work convincing oneself to be a go getter, because given the choice, most people would rather just muddle through life without any big risk simply because that is what we are taught. Go to college and learn a trade, get a good reputable company to hire you, work for them forever, get your lousy little pension, and retire into bliss. Well, hate to tell you, but that is not how it works anymore. Companies are now making it a practice to push out the senior partners in most companies because they don't want to give you a pension that cost them a lot of money in the long run, when they can hire that excited new young intern to do your job for no pension and half the pay. I really don't like the way the corporate world has turned, but I refuse to be part of that world anymore, I will start my own business, hire people that want to work, because let's face it, that is a thing of the past as well, some don't want to work hard, some just want a handout. I want to instill confidence in all the children that call me mom, I want to help make a difference in the lives of our youth, so they don't turn out like I did, because children these days are anxiety ridden, and afraid of the world, simply because they have no self-confidence. I was bullied and beaten as a teen because I was poor, now if I see that kind a shit going on, I stop it in its tracks, and where I used to fear confrontation, I welcome the opportunity to help others see that bullying is not ok. I tell them my "ugly duckling" story and can hope I make a difference. I wouldn't be writing these stories without the confidence I now have, because I would be too afraid of what people would think, but now I don't care, either you read them or ya don't! "Don't make no nevermind to me" as my grandma would say, because in the long run the only opinion of me that matters is mine.

Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed this story. If you liked it just click on the little heart icon at the bottom of the page...I would be much obliged.