Rant of the Day

I’ve always wanted to do something like this, start a blog. The issue was always the question, “what about?” Do I blog about what I like to do or the places I’ve been to which aren’t more then the places I’ve lived growing up. But then it came to me, like all my ideas do when I’m fed up with everything around me and nothing going my way. I may just rant today and see what happens.

I’m an epileptic. For a while I hated it, resented it. For a long while I saw it as shackles, keeping me from getting anywhere. I’d lose jobs, lost my drivers license because of it. Anything that has to do with independence, I lost. But I have grown to accept it recently and that’s after 30 years of having it. The road isn’t easy, not that people who don’t have epilepsy have it easy either. There’s challenges that people don’t think about or at least I believe people don’t see for epileptic’s such as myself.

Right now my whole life seems to have to revolve around everyone else’s. I don’t feel like I’m in control of my life. That’s what I mean by independence. If I want to go somewhere or need to be somewhere at a specific time I have to wait on other people to take me and it never aligns with their schedule. Im nearly always late or never make it. Recently I got hired at a new place and my work schedule started at 6am. The trouble was I couldn’t hardly find a ride at 6am. I can’t walk either, I’d never make it from living out in the middle of nowhere. You’d think I’d have one every day given the fact I live with 4 other adults who can drive and work but aren’t.

That’s another thing, I’m not supposed to be working a physical job but like I said no one else is and I guess no one else has my determination. Wish I was on disability, I’ve been denied several times, but that’s beside the point. The point is it’s dangerous in whatever job I do. I was working fast food for a while, flipping burgers. I moved the spatula a certain way and it caught the light for a brief second. That brief second was like a flash of light and it caused me to have a seizure. I woke up in a chair and they told me I nearly fell onto the grill. Another circumstance, which happened a week ago. I poured dirty mop water out and watched the water go down the drain. The swirl of the water sent me into a seizure. I fell into the tub, my face submerged in the water as it went down.

Anything and everything is a trigger. Most things that people take for granted, I can’t do. For example, going out to eat. Granted I’m dirt poor with no money to my name so I don’t have the luxury of going out to eat anymore. But when I wasn’t I still couldn’t go to a sit down. Trying to eat, all the people around talking at once, the music of the restaurant jumbled in, it all together is too much on my senses. Pretty much anywhere that has lots of people and many things going on I can’t go to. I can’t remember the last time I’ve gone to a movie theater because the loud speakers and the big screen are too much as well. Temperature is a big factor too. I can’t be around heat for too long. Which means summer days you won’t catch me outside.

Speaking of outside. To the people and their cars that sound like they’re going to fall apart do to your sound system being better then your car. I can tell you guys to stop doing that but you won’t but on the slight chance that you will, I must say that is a trigger for me. I use to live in a hotel and every time one of those cars came by which was every day, I would seize. There was a lady who took the seats out of her SUV and replaced them with giant speakers and subs. This thing was ridiculous. I told her not to turn it on because I’d have a seizure.

She said, “oh you won’t. You’ll love what happens.”

“No I won’t,” I replied as she turned it on.

Her hair went up and danced around with each beat of the base. The flag in the window waved as if it was being blown. My body flailed like a fish out of water on the ground. For 6 days after I had 13 different seizures.